i like sam's butt. (and i despise my mother.)

i heard it would be a good title, and (surprise!) it is.

i don't even need to explain the first half, should be totally obvious why i said it. (and if it isn't, then you suck.)  but i will explain the second part. my mother, unfortunately, has a bad habit of saying "xxxxxxxx is coming over to see you because they haven't seen you in forever, and they didn't tell me when, so be ready for them to come over at any time." they never do, but usually it's someone from the church i used to go to. (if they saw my eight piercings, they'd shit a brick. at the same time. all of them.)

i can't believe they really think i'd go there. they eat lunch together after service. (a congregation, congregating. it used to amuse me.) someone always asks me, though, "do you want something to eat?" psh, no. but then someone else will respond, "how is it you don't eat but you're not even that skinny?" obviously, that's the correct response to someone who doesn't eat often, right? because you're giving me a reason to want to eat again. (sarcasm.) or maybe someone will say, "you should eat something." instead of the other line. but when that happens, they complain-- yes, complain-- to my mother about my unhealthy eating habits. if you see me one day out of seven, you don't know a damn thing about my eating habits. stupid people.

speaking of stupid people, i just don't like most of the people there. the few people i do like always tell me the little kids look up to me-- which, unfortunately, is true, since i'm the only person who uses their brain there, but i'm a terrible influence, so why would you want your children to look up to me?-- and these kids should see me eat healthy food, so they'll eat healthy food too. how about.... no. go be a good parent and spoon-feed 'em their veggies. don't ask me to be a role model. also, i still feel really bad about my little cousin's birthday party. (the one i didn't attend so i wouldn't have to eat cake. or anything, really.) actually, i've been avoiding my little cousin because people keep telling me she looks up to me so much. and she does. it sucks. she's been crying because she misses me. but i can't go see her. i don't want her to look up to me. i'm cool. from a distance. like a house on fire. but get too close, and you're gonna have a bad time. so i avoid her.

speaking of avoiding people so i don't have to eat, that's basically all i've been doing. i just feel like avoiding people in general, though. i had one of those awkward girly moments last night and told my friend i felt gross. (you would too if you had just taken three laxatives because of five crackers.) she said maybe i should juice fast. (again, with responses from other people being totally inappropriate.) i told her i was going to bed, but i didn't tell her it was because she had just told me what my brain was telling me i should do, only with water.

speaking of fasting (look! everything's so connected!), i feel like my brain is shifting into that mode. or maybe my body is finally as disgusted with itself as my brain is. i couldn't even finish a cup of coffee i made this morning. i had to pour it down the drain, because it was virtually untouched three and a half hours later. it's kinda bittersweet, though. it means i'm probably falling back into that state of self-loathing that leads to crawling under my bed, reading semi-depressing books, using bus fare for laxatives, and weighing myself as much as possible and hating myself for even the tiniest changes. actually, back up a little...

speaking of semi-depressing books, i just ordered some today. if i'm going to be home, i'm going to stay in my room and read things at my level of happiness.

random thought: why don't people say "fie on you!" more often? it's a damn good phrase.

actually, just speaking of books, this girl.... let's call her harmony. i caught her reading impulse by ellen hopkins. (i love this woman. and her books. but mostly her, because the books wouldn't exist without her.) and that made me so happy. i love seeing people reading depressing shit. (happy endings? no thank you.) in fact, i love that so much i offered to lend her my entire collection of ellen hopkins's books. (whether she wants to read them or not, i'm going to give them to her. i only offered as a polite way to warn her.)

speaking of girls, i like sam's butt.

and i despise my mother.

now that we've come full circle, (and i can also hold my bladder no longer), away i go.

also, now that we've come full circle, i'm not entirely sure what this post was meant to be about.



Englishrose said...

life on the edge by keith lane is one of the most beautiful, haunting and inspirational books ive ever read
hope ur ok

TinyRose said...

I feel the same about my old church. I stopped going because I got sick of feeling judged on my appearance. You think yours was bad? Try being a mormon. A mormon who drinks both tea and coffee. Is vegan (they are suppose to eat meat). Swears sometimes, Dresses "immodestly" and has nothing against tats or piercings.
There also was a girl in my church who I was close friends with. She was bullied by all the others for being overweight. She started eating more like me and was fasting a lot. So everyone started saying stuff about how she ate, and how unhealthy it was. I was pissed
And I love Ellen Hopkins. Her stories are so real. No sugar coated crap. I liked Perfect and Identical the best I think. Identical was really good.
I'm the same as you. Give me a good semi-depressing book any day. I'm reading Wintergirls right now for the third time...
Hang in there sweetie.
Sending my love <3

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

what is this love for my butt
who told you that was a good title idea
it is a shitty title idea
fuck mothers. i hate them. i hate everything about them. mine can suck Norwegian balls.
'if they saw my eight piercings'.
this is why i fucking love you.
damn them i say. damn them with a vibrator.
my cousin copies my eating habits which is shit so not only do i eat normal, i eat extra when i'm around her because she's this stick thin kid and i just don't want her to live on a diet of shit.
three laxative after five crackers. does ANYTHING come out? for me. if i have x laxatives with less than a hundred calories, all it does is give me painful violent stomach cramps.
"read things at my levels of happiness."
just my fanfiction. it's for free. /shameless advertising/
fuckING HELL. i read Crank once and it was super duper fucking awesome with a butterknife.
this post was about my butt babe get with the time

-Sam Lupin

determined girl said...

Hahaha, woman, how did I not know about your blog until now? You crack me up! Gonna read more of your posts while procrastinating...

Lots of love from a new follower!

Anonymous said...

I love Ellen Hopkins and therefore I love you. Well, I love you anyway. But more now, if possible.

I'm glad you're back.
I bet you look all sparkly-wonderful-amazing, with your new peircings; I love them already. And I'm slightly jealous, I haven't had a new one in too long. I miss that silver needle. Weird? Pch.

Love you, darling.


Jax said...

I missed you too! I've been so off track with food and working out that I just decided to drop off the blogger planet.

sorry about the church people. I really liked the Ellen Hopkins book I read. But it was too depressing for me to read, it hits too close to home I think.

Hope this week is the best!

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