the minimalist.

i was on the bus this morning, reading one of the books on my list (life-size by jennifer shute), when my mind started racing wildly (as usual). my train of thought went something like this:

home is where the heart is. (don't ask me where this initial thought came from). so my home must be my body, then. if i'm a minimalist, my home shouldn't be cluttered or full of unnecessary things. therefore, it should be as small as possible. (and then i somehow jumped to) storing fat must be like hoarding. and hoarding is not okay. people who hoard end up on those weird tv shows, where other people can laugh/stare/snarl at the massive amounts of crap they've managed to hold on to for years. and storing massive amounts of fat is just as gross as storing massive amounts of rat poop, or baby squirrel skeletons, or whatever it is people are into these days. (and of course, i found myself thinking) it's definitely a lot worse to hoard fat than to hoard rat poop, because at least no one would know you were storing rat poop unless they came to your house and saw your disgusting, but impressive collection. fat is like, there. constantly on display.


wait. book lists. that reminds me. monkey mind is next on my list. the memoir, about anxiety. i'm excited.

anyway, now i'm sitting in school (supposedly doing homework). yoshi, my old buddy, is sitting near me. i can't help but admire his boniness. as he previously told me, he only eats one meal a day. wouldn't you know it-- he ate it just now, in front of me. eating in front of people is kind of a big deal, right? you don't just eat with anyone. you eat with people who've earned the right to watch you consume food. (am i right? or am i totally deluded? i don't know.) actually, while my sister was here --incidentally, she appears to have gained fifty pounds since i last saw her. no hyperbole here; she really did gain weight-- she ate in front of me. and ate, and ate, and ate. i kind of wish some people wouldn't eat around me. but it's different with yoshi since he doesn't normally eat in front of people.

i'm losing my train of thought. where's my brain today....

yeah, so i'm admiring his sleekness while he does his homework. and while i pretend to do mine. it's easy to not get caught staring at someone when they're focused on something else. i like his hands especially. see, he's holding his phone, and every time he moves a finger, you can see his bones shifting through the skin on the back of his hand. beautiful. absolutely beautiful.

speaking of beautiful, i was on the stairs in school the other day, and this guy popped up in front of me and we made eye contact. i didn't expect it. his eyes were, for lack of a better word, orgasmic. seriously. i looked into his eyes, gasped, and said, "oh my god... your eyes are beautiful." and then i stared into them long enough for him to feel uncomfortable and slink away. but i'll see him again. (muahahaha! we go to the same college. it's inevitable.)

by the way, yoshi gave me a wristband a little while ago, and he told me it glows in the dark. so obviously, i put it on. i was totally pleased with how well it doesn't fit. seriously. i can fit my entire other hand through the space between my wrist and this thing. i like it.

you know what else i like?

that i gotta pee right now.

but it was fun, updating like this. let's do this again sometime.



it's not as bad as it seems.

two months of good behavior.

no late night parties. no drugs. no drinking. no smoking. no leaving home and staying at someone else's house for days.

instead, lots of studying. homework. coming home on time. keeping the house clean.

hell, i even took my piercings out. (don't ask me how i feel about this.)

didn't change much.

first of all, my crazed attempt at getting straight A's this semester was actually disturbingly impressive. worked in all of my classes except one. of course, it's that one class that drives me up the wall. second, being the good girl at home doesn't change a thing. my half sister (dad's side) is coming here in a little while, and my mother doesn't want her to stay here. and she came to see me, so we're just gonna leave and stay somewhere else. i already know that when i come back, i'm gonna get tons of shit for it, but i don't really care anymore.

on top of that, banana took the semester off.... halfway through the semester. her life got a little too crazy. i know i get mad at her and i'll say she's a total bitch, but i honestly do care about her. we still talk, but she's not here anymore. she knows how messed up i am, and i know how messed up she is. we used to look out for each other. so with her gone, all of my issues have been unleashed. like tuesday. i was pretty irritated because of that class i mentioned before. so i got up and walked out of the room. we have exactly four students in that class, so this wasn't a casual exit. took my wallet with me. to the bathroom. normally, banana would have been around, so i'd be a little more hesitant about whatever i was planning to do, but not anymore. anyway, i cut in the bathroom, came back to class like everything was cool. i probably wouldn't have done that if she was still around, because she would have run through our little checklist. (oh well.)

can't visit her right now, because her house is basically three hours away from mine by car, and i failed my road test. no license yet.

insanity definitely helps a lot when it comes to dealing with stuff. and isolation.

and teddy bears. i got a new teddy bear. i call him bones. he's adorable. he's got a little bow and everything.

you know what else helps? winter. i can't wait for mind-numbing cold weather. and snow. we had a decent amount of snow fall on tuesday. it was awesome. didn't stick though.

anyway, i'm okay despite all of that. (haha, which isn't saying much.) i have to finish cleaning up before i leave. i have to figure out what i'm going to eat with my sister, and i have to hide a lot of my stuff before she gets here. (like the pills under my bed and the razors i've got laying around.) and i have packages arriving today, but i probably won't be here when they do.... which sucks so hard. my mother's probably gonna flip her shit. (what else is new.) add the cherry on top: i'm skipping school today. (so much for being the perfect student.)

i'll try to keep this updated, but it's hard to remember what i have to do these days unless i write it down. and even then, i can't write things down unless i remember them. *sigh* but whatever. i hope you're all doing alright. better than me, even. seriously. i hope your brains are still functioning normally. i'm kind of just riding the wave of madness right now. i'll see where it takes me.

it's all wrong, but it's alright.