after hours.

esmeralda and i brought everyone back to our hotel room around midnight on saturday to hang out and enjoy our last night together. we started off small, playing a tame version of never have i ever. we didn't have any alcohol, or anything to drink really, so we used ice cubes. i had a hard time finding things to say that anyone else in the room might have done that i hadn't. they didn't have a hard time finding things to say that i had done that they hadn't. that was great. it turned into truth or dare, which started with suspiciously pointed questions directed toward esmeralda. so naturally, i had to tell them to quit it. i had to defend her, because she and i had been friends the longest out of everyone else. then one of the guys said, let's just make it dare.

let the games begin.

we started off small, with little dares. i dare you to eat this cup of ice in two minutes, someone said to me. i started gagging at one point, much to the delight of all the males in the room. didn't do it, but we sure had fun. lick the wall, someone else said. i did it, nonchalant as hell, after saying i'd licked nastier things back in the day. a hotel wall was nothing. the lights in the room dimmed progressively from the time we started playing until we got up to some of the less innocent dares. we laughed under our breath, scoped out the room, and did our best to find dares that weren't too wild. poor esmeralda, she had to kiss two of the guys. one was her first ex, and the other was just completely unappealing (and impossible to get rid of). she took it like a champ though. (and rinsed her mouth with scope.)

the only other girl had to make it back to her hotel room, because she didn't want to get in trouble. after all, it was almost three a.m. by the time we started to run out of ideas for dares. one of the guys fell asleep, and soon it was just me and esmeralda, her ex and a new friend of ours, b. while her ex tried to find more games for us to play that would bring them back together, b and i slowly moved closer and closer.  it was cute. (he told me i needed a shirt with a fire flower on it that said "hot stuff". i laughed.) he traced tired circles on my back while i played with his hair.

then i remembered that i had dinner. i got really conscious about every square inch of my body. i started to feel horrible. and my mind started racing. esmeralda was also in the room, obviously. she's tall. thin. always has been, as long as i've known her. that didn't help much. it wasn't her fault, of course, i love her. she's like my little sister. in fact, for the entirety of the past three days, we were inseparable. but i couldn't help feeling like i was expanding, sitting on the hotel floor in the dark. i remembered her saying, earlier, while i was looking at a picture of this lady (who informally adopted me as her daughter) and i. we look more related than my actual mother and i, and we get along better. i had commented, fondly, she's so tiny. i love her. esmeralda gave me a strange look and said, you're tiny too, though. you two are the same size. could've fooled me.

nothing happened. not even a kiss. although i did think about it and he did try his best. so we talked, as esmeralda struggled to keep her ex away. even in his sleep, he was still drawn to her. i drew my finger across his collarbone. i named his muscles and bones. we faded in and out of consciousness. finally, the sun started to rise. he said he had to get back to his room, before his roommate woke up. we hugged. he left. esmeralda and i woke her ex up and sent him back to his room, and helped the other guy onto the couch, since he was too deep in sleep to do anything. then i fell took a two hour nap.

when i woke up, we had to get ready to leave. we took long showers, until water collected and dripped from the bathroom ceiling. sometime after we had both gotten dressed, while she was fixing her hair, we heard a knock at the door. she opened it, invited b to come in. conversation was harder, with esmeralda giving us sidelong glances and knowing smiles. he explained that his group was heading out earlier than expected, and asked me if he could have my number. i smiled as i gave it to him. then he left.

then we left.

saturday evening, i started writing a rage fueled post while everyone was out getting ice cream and/or tacos. (don't ask.) i felt like the whole thing was a stupid waste of time, and i was wishing i could go home. but considering the things that happened to make me feel that way, it could have been worse. and considering the good parts sprinkled in between the bad parts, i'm glad i didn't miss it. so i guess it wasn't too bad.



less than.

i'm going to at this conference/convention thing for the weekend. first of all, it really sucks because i don't totally want to be around the people i'm going with. second, i'm trying to figure out how i'll be able to avoid hotel food while i'm sharing a hotel room. (so far, not good.) third, i'm irritated because of leftover issues from yesterday and the fact that the people who are were supposed to be here about 45 minutes ago are not here, and still haven't arrived.

i'm supposed to be at this convention thing in the next forty minutes, and i know we won't get there in that amount of time. and i still have to put my stuff in my hotel room. i hate unreliable people.

so this leftover irritation from yesterday. what does it consist of? let's start with a little one.

1. the fact that crush # 4 forgot my name over the break. never mind the fact that it was only mentioned once, during the one conversation we had. i remembered his name. you think he'd have the decency to remember mine. (this being said, i forget people's names all the time, so i'll probably forgive him in the next two hours.) but the irritating thing isn't that he forgot my name. it's that he forgot my name and then when he tried to say hi to me later, i brushed him off because i was annoyed that he forgot my name. so i guess it is because he forgot my name. (again, this being said, people i've known for years don't even remember my name sometimes.)

2. because i'm insane, my mask of sanity slipped big time yesterday. and this girl was sitting in this building on campus, giving me a look that obviously said, someone please get this girl away from me, with her madness and explosive energy. what is she, psychotic? WELL YEAH. and i don't like her face. it's like she's in permanent bitch mode.

3. i lost my jacket. the jacket waterbear gave me the first time we hung out. it's got memories. i need to find it. one way or another.

4. there are birds of doom outside my window. crows. nothing good ever happens when i see crows before i go somewhere. usually i only see one.

5. these two girls keep bad mouthing owl girl whether or not i'm around them, and i hate that. she's my friend and i need to release some of this irritation. i'm thinking... cat fight 2014. (cat fight happens once a year, where i stop being nice and tell people what i really think. usually i feel so bad afterwards that it never happens again. but once a year is good. there's also bitch fest, which happens once a year, but is more of my mother and sister arguing while i sing the bitch fest theme song in my room. loudly.)

there's more, but those are the worst ones. well, the fourth one is from this morning, but the others are from yesterday.

so some of this, i edited just now. i wrote most of it earlier, but then those people arrived and i ended up having to shut my computer down so i could stuff it in my bag. because i had to  finish this post. gotta update. no slacking.

packed some emergency laxies, and diet pills. only ate the salad and a bit of bread for lunch earlier. turned everything else down. just salad would've been better, but i don't want the pressure to start on the first day.

now i'm in my room (i'm only sharing with one other person, thank fuck) and these two boys are in here hanging out. one of them i'm pretty close with (way younger than me, don't get any ideas) and the other one is new, and he's just attached to me and this girl. let's call her esmeralda because she just mentioned the hunchback of notre dame. and she'll probably pop up a lot, since i've known her for years, and i've been hanging out with her again.

i'm like, manic. and i just went on a kleptomania spree with esmeralda and one of the guys. we've been stealing from housekeeping carts all day. i've got enough scope for the rest of the month. which is good, because i value mouthwash. we'll be stealing more tomorrow. we also stole a bottle of water, because five dollars for a bottle is ridiculous. (a liter? come on.)

anyway, i can't type too long, or someone's gonna be like, "whatcha doin?" you know how nosy people are.

i didn't really say much. but it's good to update every once in a  while, right?

it's only right.



climbing climbing climbing never falling.

my friend is getting married. and i'm freaking out.

she's checking out these really cute indian dresses (emphasis on cute) for the bridesmaids, and i'm her maid of honor. so i think the order of importance for people in the wedding ceremony is as follows: bride, groom, parents, bridesmaids, grooms...boys. or whatever. with maid of honor in between parents and bridesmaids, and best man in between bridesmaids and grooms....monkeys. i get the feeling i'll look lumpy in anything she tries to pick. yes, lumpy. who wants a lumpy maid of honor? i'll tell you. no one. these memories are forever.

plus, pictures are permanent. it's one of few times i have no excuse for avoiding pictures. and i hate pictures.

the bad news is that currently, to the extent of my knowledge, i'd be the only bridesmaid without a date. the good news is that currently, to the extent of my knowledge, there's no [ +1] situation happening. which is great. really, i'm touched. no dates for anyone. yay.

on a less self-centered note, she's going to make a really pretty bide.and if any of the dresses she just showed me looked half as amazing on those hideous models, then it'll look absolutely breathtaking on her. (just kidding though, i've never seen an ugly indian model.) her husband to be is decently attractive as well. he looks like a less handsome version of aladdin, although still respectable in a non-animated way. and if the pictures of their immediate families say anything about the gene pool these kids are swimming in, their distant relatives are going to be gorgeous.

can you say duck duck goose? except in this case, i guess the bridesmaids' game would be swan swan ugly duckling. except at the end of the story, the ugly duckling really turns out to be a goose.

good news. i have five months to stop looking like the imprint of a converse sneaker in a pile of elephant scat. and bad news... school starts in two days. and i have this stupid conference this weekend, where i'll be staying in this hotel room with girls i only get along with because we never see each other. why didn't they just decide to lock starving wolves in a room together? it would end better.

wait, i need to stay positive. in two days, i get to see crush # 4 again. maybe. and i've been watching hey arnold, so i'm fully ready to display my undying affection in a completely emotionally unstable way. also, i've got a conference this weekend, which means i get a holiday from my mother and cat. although, to be honest, i'll kind of miss the cat.

i feel kind of bad that as much as i'm excited for her, i'm twice as terrified that i'll be wearing the same dress as other people. that's just terrible. and i'm also horrified about the fact that these pictures will be on facebook. i haven't been on that site in... i guess a year now. and i know i'll be tormented by the possibility of pictures up for public display. i'm being haunted by them now, and they don't even exist yet. the wedding's going to be beautiful. as for me? that's a big question mark. (it doesn't help that my sister just came home after a week of not being here, wearing tighter pants and looking skinnier than ever.)

this is bad. and i've been sitting in this body for months now. and it's not good enough. something must be done. i need a plan.

or, in case of an emergency, a ticket out of the country.



very funny.

my friend called me about two hours ago.

hey. i made the beans and such for tomorrow, but i'll need you to make some rice. funny you said that, and called at this EXACT MOMENT. wouldn't you know, i'm cooking rice right now. oh yeah? that's great. haha! yeah, yeah. i figured you'd forget about something like that. so how many servings of beans did you make? uhm... just make about seven cups. of rice?! that's madness! you're kidding, right? no wait... uhm... yeah, never mind, i'll make it. don't worry. i'm always picking up your slack. haha, that's what little siblings do. (NOTE: we are not related. but we should be. my life would be a lot better.) sure, sure, okay. i got it. see you tomorrow.

i don't know why it's weird, but having someone tell me to make approximately twenty-eight servings of rice for... (probably) eighteen servings of some kind of beans plus/etc/etc cooked thingy sounded absurd to me. why so much rice? there's no point to it. first of all, if there's too much rice, that's weird. and then, if there's not enough rice, that's weird. potlucks suck. actually, somewhere during that conversation, i think i said don't ask me anything about food servings, food makes absolutely no sense to me. i have no idea what to do with it. to which my friend responded, with more laughter, eat it?

yeah. haha. what a joker.

school starts for me on wednesday. all day today, i've been cleaning, and wondering, should i eat something? i've been eating for most of the winter break. isn't that... normal? shouldn't i eat something? but everyone always complains about gaining weight after the holiday season, i don't want to be one of those people. so i decided to have a last supper kind of thing. (so to speak.) the house was all sparkly and clean, so there i was, boiling water for rice. and then my friend called. you know that feeling, when you get caught doing something? i got that feeling. so i decided to donate my food to a worthier cause. or something like that. it made a lot more sense two hours ago. but after i decided to not eat the rice, i realized that i'm going "away" to a conference (of sorts) next weekend. and i don't intend to eat there. just because i don't like eating in front of people. and i'm not eating my friend's beany boopity blahblah tomorrow. (or the vegetables my mother's cooking, now that she's seen the rice i cooked for tomorrow. or anything tomorrow, most likely.)

speaking of which, what a jerk, eh? i cleaned the whole house, and she's in the kitchen messing it up. and she has the nerve to complain about me making the house messy. what a jerk.

but then i know if i don't eat, i'll end up telling banana probably, since she went to the gym today, and (darn my competitive side) i can be a real buttface sometimes. and then she'll be like, "fruits! eat fruits, they'll solve all your problems." and i'll be like, eating solves nothing! it's a temporary solution to a permanent issue! 

and so on and so forth.

so anyway, all of the aforementioned thoughts had just finished their third lap through my brain, when i decided, hey. i'm gonna eat something. (well, technically this was before my mother got home, so everything except that part.) and then my mother messed up the kitchen! what an outrage. normally, i'd close my door, so the stench of her repugnant foodstuff didn't suffocate me in my own room, but i currently have no doorknob.

and on top of all that, it's cold.

if this is life's idea of a joke, i'm not laughing.



participant # xxxxxxxxx.

as of tomorrow, i'll have had jury duty for two weeks. it's funny, jax, because that's one of the reasons i don't dig the whole "adulthood" situation. (and you just happened to mention it.) i don't completely hate jury duty. i'm getting forty dollars for each day i successfully drag myself out of bed and sit in a courthouse for hours, doing nothing but reading books and people watching. not high on the list of dream jobs, but not necessarily a complete nightmare.

i actually think yesterday might have been my last day going to the courthouse. only had to show up in person three times so far. my feelings about jury duty went something like this.

night before day one: ugh, this sucks. i don't even know where this stupid courthouse is. stupid requirements. stupid law.

day one: who are these weirdos... why is that guy looking at me.... i wish i could text my friends... i wish i had something to do... i hope i never have to come here again.

night before day two: not again!

day two: there's that creepy guy from last time... why is he stretching on the floor... why is that old dude so ripped... is someone snoring... what's that weird smell... did that lady honestly just say "i think you might have a situation in the bathroom"... why are all these people talking to me... i just wanna go home...

night before day three: here we go again...

day three: haha, i'm like a veteran at this... hey security guard dude! haha, yeah, i know, hand in my cellphone. see you 'round, pete! hey creepy guy! haha, yeah, it's me again. don't pull your hamstring, baby! hey, spicy asian man. what's shakin, bro? yeah. jury duty. what? it's over already? aw, darn. see you guys around, hm? yeah... haha. good times.

once you get used to sitting around doing nothing, it's surprisingly easy. reminds me a lot of college. the only difference is i'm getting money, instead of losing money. and it forces me to remain a part of society, which is also just like college. but it's so cold outside, i don't feel like it at the moment. cold and bright. never liked that combination. hazel-rah and i were talking last night, and he told me i need to learn how to swim, at which point i said i'd stay indoors forever. (or at least until school started.) and then he said, "you could get a rash from not moving enough. or even worse, fat!  you don't want to look like your sister, do you?" obviously, here, he means the half sister who gained fifty pounds, and not the one that barely grazes one hundred pounds on a bad day.

chilling words.

of course, none of that will be enough to get me out of this house today. nothing short of jury duty will get me out of bed until school starts. (actually, make that jury duty and other semi-required obligations.) my friend wanted to hang out at eight-thirty today. what is she, crazy? the sun is barely simmering then. plus, it's not like she's paying me. (maybe if it was warmer, i'd waive the fee...)

she could learn a thing or two about motivating people from jury duty.




do you have any idea how much i love dictionaries? i love defining things. for example:

the period following the onset of puberty during which a young person develops from a child into an adult. 

anyway, i've decided, as of five minutes ago, i no longer wish to be defined as an adult. when i ask some of my younger associates (i.e. the tar pits of my existence) if they consider me an adult, they say, duh. what are you, from planet estupido? of course you're an adult. at which point, i immediately start to sulk and slink away. but if you ask the other adults if they consider me an adult, they'll pause long enough for it to be uncomfortable, maybe cough a little, and then say, well... well now... of course you're adult. but then they treat me like i'm a child. (actually, the children treat me like i'm a child too.) if you had asked me more than five minutes ago, i would've said, well, gee, i've been a child as long as i can remember. i don't see any sense in changing that now. yup, i guess i'm a child. not that you would ask. (actually, i said that in class once and everyone laughed, but i was quite serious.)

most people consider these things to be obvious.

most people are wrong. [insert angry facial expression here.]

i can't be classified as an adult. adults tend to get into this mindset where they're not inclined to do certain things because they aren't children anymore. (poop on that.) i don't think i'll stop playing with play-doh any time soon. or stop watching sesame street or stop sleeping with my teddy bears. that being said, i also can't reallly be classified as a child, because i don't really want to associate myself with those.... creatures any longer. they really can be quite frightening. (ugh. just thinking about that baby from over the summer... sends shivers down my spine.)

therefore, i must be an adolescent, which means i'm neither here nor there during an indeterminable amount of time. a transitional stage for the indefinite future. stuck in the middle... until the cows come home. whatever. you get the point.

maybe after i graduate from college, i'll rethink this. for now, i like it.



moving forward.

i have this problem. it's called memory. since childhood, i've had this really great ability to remember things. that's not always helpful, especially when your self-esteem gets as low as mine does. it's really funny (tragic, actually) how something bad happens and then all of these other memories seem to pop up inside my brain.

i guess it would be the equivalent of playing football, tripping, and then thirty people piling on top of you. just for the sake of keeping you down. memory and i don't really work together well. still, every new year, i take some time to look back over the past year and see what kind of person i am. last night i told my best friend about three kinds of people-- the person i want to be, the person i am, and the person other people see me as-- and i told him i'd like all three to be the same one day. he said i'm close, but he doesn't fully know what kind of person i want to be, so obviously his opinion doesn't matter. (sad, but true.)

while i was thinking over 2013, i realized that a lot of the things i did, i wouldn't do again. some of the things i didn't do, i wish i had done. but i don't necessarily regret any of it. see, i'm trying to reach this point mentally where i can identify things that are my fault and things that aren't. every once in a while, when bad things happen, i get caught in this thought cycle that makes me feel like maybe the whole thing was my fault. sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. if a bad situation is my fault, i can't go back in the past and change it. i can only take responsibility and try to fix it. if a bad situation isn't my fault, i can't go back in the past and change it either. maybe i can try to help fix it, but i shouldn't feel bad about it.

i have many goals for the new year, as always, but my main goal for this year to keep moving forward. time moves on whether or not i do, and i don't want to get stuck in a pit of shame and self-pity (as i tend to from time to time). someone was talking to a group of young adults (and some not so young adults) the other day, and he said that humans have a tendency to believe the whole world revolves around them, and we need to stop thinking so much of ourselves all the time. one of my younger friends was sitting next to me, and he told me that i'm lucky i don't have that problem, because if i thought any less of myself, i'd be in serious trouble. my recurrent and intrusive memories don't ever help me feel better about anything. why dwell on the past? it's better to keep moving forward.

it's a new year. i plan to make it a good one. i plan to forget about the things that are behind me, and reach forward, for something better. (for all you finding nemo fans, take a page from dory's book. just keep swimming.)

i love all of you. :) so i hope it's a happy new year.