this is what you'd hear if i could speak my mind.

i am a neuron
shocking and small
wrapped in layers
and layers
of fat.


my mind
the Pyrex cup that holds 
my sanity, fluid
half empty, half full
hot to the touch
impossible to hold
the cold stream of reality flows
it cracks. 


don't fight mania, don't fight depression
glide, slide, slip, trip 
upwards into the clear canvas of elevation
sink, fall, descend, recline 
backwards, down into the seat of madness. 


i'm all kinetic and no potential. 



what can we do with it, this Humanity? nothing.


october twenty fourth, twenty-thirteen. that's when banana told me she was taking a leave of absence. it was my dad's birthday and i was already pretty much in the dumps. but i smiled. that's okay, i told her. you'll be back. i went through something not unlike a mental breakdown, where i started crying in class and actually told my classmates and teacher how much i missed her. being worried about your friends is stressful as heck but sure enough, just like she said, she was back. and we fell right back into our old routine, whispering too loudly in class, laughing at all the stupid things people wasted their time with. they don't care about what's really important, she said, rolling her eyes. whatever. we just gotta get through this. i can't even count how many days i've watched her flip her long brown hair defiantly over one shoulder before going to her car. every step said screw this school, i'm over it.


february twenty first, twenty-fifteen. the day of my birthday, i get an email from my teacher. see, banana and i were class partners. so my teacher felt obligated to tell me that she's withdrawn from the program. i already knew, long before the email. but it really sucked to be told that. i've been defending her violently in class. whenever people say, soo... where is she? haha, she's probably not coming back. i'd tell them they were being completely rude and end all conversation on the topic. i would do that for anyone who was being traduced but even more so, when it's one of my close friends, i get that much more upset. like clockwork, the school counselor sends out an email for a workshop on emotional stability. which i'm obviously not going to because no one who's actually on the edge of emotional instability is foolish enough to walk into one of those things. at least not on campus.

so here i am now, unable to sleep. i have this class tomorrow and i don't want to go. at the same time, i have to go because i need to keep my life at this pace or it'll fall apart again. also, almost equally, i'm really starting to realize how incapable i am of functioning around people for extended periods of time, so i've been slowly withdrawing from my social circles while simultaneously being more active in them (so as not to raise suspicion).

i don't know how it's working but it is.

the good news is i've been doing all my homework. the bad news is that my brain is starting to do its own thing again. i haven't had caffeine in... two months. and i've got about eighteen cans of red bull nearby. i'll probably need it for tomorrow... but anyway, more good news... um, one of my best friends is getting counseling for his depression, yay! he's being proactive about his marriage, which is good. the bad news is, my therapist absolutely sucks and talks for 50/60 mins of our session about NOTHING. the good news is, i've managed to avoid seeing him for about three weeks now. so i'm going to see how long i can keep this up before i can quit. and just to end on a happy note, puck asked if i'll accept a hug tomorrow as a birthday present. WAIT.

okay, random story.

last week, he saw a girl that he thought was me. she had a tattoo of a cross on the back of her neck but everything else seemed similar to him. (i have no tattoos.) so instead of saying hi or something else normal people do, he ran his finger down her tattoo. of course, she spun around and was like, "......." at which point, he asked her to print his homework. she did. naturally. (i mean, creepy or not, the guy is gorgeous.) so he told me this story when he saw me later that day and guess who passed by? the girl. even though he wasn't wearing his glasses (a valid excuse), we look nothing alike, she and i. puck, right? he's super weird and yet he's pretty cool.

so here's me, running back and forth between feeling horrible about abandoning most of my friends and feeling great about the fact that such a lovely boy is friends with me. two different kinds of hell, but hell all the same.



lesson learned.

so i got kicked out of internship because i hadn't written enough logs. okay, i thought (after a long period of grumbling), i can deal with this. i'll just stick with it until i get this degree. meaning i'll be in college for another year. i can accept that because i'm pretty stubborn about getting this degree. one way or another, i'm getting this degree. seriously.

i can live with this. i'll be stuck at this school for another year. okay. fine.

banana and i are in the same major. she also got kicked out of internship. why? she missed a few days because she gets migraines. and no, she wasn't making it up, the weather's been pretty capricious here and she doesn't deal with the cold well. she called in and told her supervisor each time, naturally. still, our school said, blahblahblah, you've violated our contract. so now for her to get this degree, she also needs to be in college for another year. she did all her logs (as well as other assorted assignments).

this, i cannot live with. she'll be stuck at this school for another year. not okay. and not fine.

everyone was pretty upset when they found out. they say the people in charge of this major set the program up to fail us (as in all the students). but what can we do? we have no power here. so banana and i refused to accept what they offered us. you can graduate, they smiled. just not with this degree. we said no, thanks, we're getting it. and so we shall. hopefully. i didn't even mention that the other girl in my internship class suddenly returned to her state of origin without the degree. most likely a combination of my reason and banana's reason. (dropping like proverbial files.)

i'm pretty worried about her because she's not taking this well at all. (helping others really does help you, even if you're in the same boat.) also, waterbear ended up going to inpatient last year. she's out now, which i love, but i also feel bad, because i'm trying to move forward with my life. and i don't want to do the things we did together forever. i know that's not the foundation of our friendship but it's a pretty big brick. it's weird that i'm saying we're such great friends, and yet i don't think i'd be able to explain this to her. today is her birthday and i want to call her, but i don't because she wants to come pick me up so we can go smoke and drink with her other friends. i know she'll be hurt if i don't call but i don't know what i'll say if i do call. i just don't want to fall back into that. also i have a really bad habit of trying to be everyone's savior, which is partially why i didn't even have the motivation to do my homework last semester. worrying about your friends can get really depressing.

aside from that, i'm definitely moving forward with my life. i agreed to go to this therapist dude, although he sucks. but i'm learning how to speak up. he really, really sucks. but if i don't want to sit and listen to him talk for one hour, i have to say something, and not back down because he's old and i'm trying to be respectful and polite. i've got a lot to work on. but i'm getting there.

i think where i was when i wrote last time was a horribly dark place. but although the tunnel's gotten longer, i can still see the light at the end of it, so.... i'm going to keep moving forward.

although it irritates something deep within me that i can barely describe, i have to roll over/sit/stay/speak when the people at my school tell me to. i call it legalized prostitution because we sell ourselves for this piece of paper that really means very little at the end of the day. and yet it means a lot to us because it means a lot to someone else. i don't know. it's really silly. i don't like being told what to do and how to think. but i suppose what i never thought about was that i don't have to think the way i'm pretending to, i just need to play along long enough to graduate.

the hard part now isn't going to be doing the work, it's going to be finishing this phase of my life so i can move on.

but thanks for the positive vibes, i really appreciate it.