stand absolved.

how vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live. thoreau, of course. (that bastard.)

i didn't want to just sit at my computer and go "blah, i stayed indoors, i'm sad" or "blah, i should stay indoors, i'm sad" for the length of the sadness, because it felt really monotonous and...somehow made me a bit sadder. admitting things does that, you know. that's why  but anyway, i finally left my room because i wanted to. as opposed to having to walk the dog, or tag along for some weird car ride somewhere. and you know why? because my friend asked me to help her with her homework assignment.

why it got me excited, i don't know. but it did. basically, it was just creating ideas for a movie, using food to symbolize something. (i don't know who this teacher is, but a class on food and movies? sounds like my kinda thing.) maybe i really do want school to start, because i came up with like, twenty ideas for her. and since yesterday was a holiday, for some reason, i went to her college to visit her. because she said we could go hiking. yes, i may have scared her friends with my somewhat unnatural wish to see an axe murderer, but i also amused them with my social awkwardness from not having to deal with people for weeks. we bought exercise gear too. so it worked out pretty well. the day was pretty good.

luckily this all happened when it did, because school starts tomorrow. unfortunately, even if i am back to an acceptable level of self-loathing, i still don't think i'll be too friendly when i go back. but that's okay. 

i feel like i was going to say something... but i can't remember....

huh. i really can't remember.

well.... my dark cloud has vanished!

oh wait. i remember. the other reason why i left my room. i had a string of dreams each night the moon was full. only one made me really happy, though. i was sitting and talking to jeff buckley, and looking up at the moon. it wasn't really crazy conversation, just idle chatter, i suppose. and then he got up, because he wanted to go for a swim, and he looked at me, smiled, and said, "stand absolved." which is like, the greatest thing anyone has ever said in one of my dreams, as far as i can remember. (incidentally, my dog, b.j. was curled up beside me when i woke up. but that has nothing to do with anything. maybe.) actually, when i woke up, i decided to pierce my ears. for the first time. technically, for the first eight times. (five in the left, three in the right.) but probably not until october. my friend wants to be there. she says i'm insane for getting eight at once. i like pain. who knew? and then that same day, my sister exploded and told me about how she feels the same way about our mother that i do. (i repeat, who knew?)

anyway, you guys are pretty awesome. for putting up with all those bad vibes. (why are you all so awesomee? it's...disturbingly enchanting.) i think after all that unhappiness, life should give me a break, eh? for at least four months... i think that's only fair. but, you know, i'll take what i can get. so yeah, i'm going to take his advice. jeff's. even if it was a dream. haha, not much to report on here. but i'm glad i feel better.