stand absolved.

how vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live. thoreau, of course. (that bastard.)

i didn't want to just sit at my computer and go "blah, i stayed indoors, i'm sad" or "blah, i should stay indoors, i'm sad" for the length of the sadness, because it felt really monotonous and...somehow made me a bit sadder. admitting things does that, you know. that's why  but anyway, i finally left my room because i wanted to. as opposed to having to walk the dog, or tag along for some weird car ride somewhere. and you know why? because my friend asked me to help her with her homework assignment.

why it got me excited, i don't know. but it did. basically, it was just creating ideas for a movie, using food to symbolize something. (i don't know who this teacher is, but a class on food and movies? sounds like my kinda thing.) maybe i really do want school to start, because i came up with like, twenty ideas for her. and since yesterday was a holiday, for some reason, i went to her college to visit her. because she said we could go hiking. yes, i may have scared her friends with my somewhat unnatural wish to see an axe murderer, but i also amused them with my social awkwardness from not having to deal with people for weeks. we bought exercise gear too. so it worked out pretty well. the day was pretty good.

luckily this all happened when it did, because school starts tomorrow. unfortunately, even if i am back to an acceptable level of self-loathing, i still don't think i'll be too friendly when i go back. but that's okay. 

i feel like i was going to say something... but i can't remember....

huh. i really can't remember.

well.... my dark cloud has vanished!

oh wait. i remember. the other reason why i left my room. i had a string of dreams each night the moon was full. only one made me really happy, though. i was sitting and talking to jeff buckley, and looking up at the moon. it wasn't really crazy conversation, just idle chatter, i suppose. and then he got up, because he wanted to go for a swim, and he looked at me, smiled, and said, "stand absolved." which is like, the greatest thing anyone has ever said in one of my dreams, as far as i can remember. (incidentally, my dog, b.j. was curled up beside me when i woke up. but that has nothing to do with anything. maybe.) actually, when i woke up, i decided to pierce my ears. for the first time. technically, for the first eight times. (five in the left, three in the right.) but probably not until october. my friend wants to be there. she says i'm insane for getting eight at once. i like pain. who knew? and then that same day, my sister exploded and told me about how she feels the same way about our mother that i do. (i repeat, who knew?)

anyway, you guys are pretty awesome. for putting up with all those bad vibes. (why are you all so awesomee? it's...disturbingly enchanting.) i think after all that unhappiness, life should give me a break, eh? for at least four months... i think that's only fair. but, you know, i'll take what i can get. so yeah, i'm going to take his advice. jeff's. even if it was a dream. haha, not much to report on here. but i'm glad i feel better. 



❤ ♥ Sam [Misha] Lupin ❥ ❣ said...

can i still write gay sex with that quote

what. i did not leave my room. because i wanted to die in feels and write gay fanfiction that nobody will read. ew. homework is gross and icky. can i eat it

movies and food. you can use like water for chocolate. or The Machinist. because i'm sure the lack of eating symbolised how completely sane he was also the way he just a silver of the food and then left the black coffee all out in the open and ffffff. also, you can use American Psycho where the woman was eating and he was like "nah, i'm losing weight" then we can fast forward years before where the Machinist happen and put those movies together and then say HE HAS RELAPSED IN HIS NON-EXISTENT EATING DISORDER. THIS IS ALL A DREAM. so. yeah.

ew. exercise gear. i do not like to move.

holy shit. Jeff Buckley is so cool in your dreams can i have him and stand absolved what does that even mean but it sounds cool so let's just stick it in somewhere.

PS. even though 90% of the population can't pronounce your real name, i'd have you know nobody can pronounce mine yet either. c:

-Sam Lupin

Rayya said...

Woop woop I am glad you feel better too! <3 Damn that dark cloud I hope its gone for a while :) Love you <3 x

Slimarific said...

We all go through tough times so we will always be here to support and listen to any problems, big or small :).

What great advice the dream gave! I hope you are able to grab hold and run for the hills with it. Remember, we have to make our own happiness and success in life, it rarely just drops into our laps *hugs* xx

jackie said...

it's so interesting that you were getting advice in your dreams. I can't imagine one of my heroes just talking to me, I'd probably freak out.

I miss you and I'm glad you're back and not sad and I hope you have a great start to school.

Venus said...

Fighting off dark clouds are so much fun... not. Glad it went away for a while and I hope it stays gone. And jeez I am jealous. No one ever says anything that cool in my dreams.
It's nice that your sister feels the same way about your mom. I keep trying to convince all of my sisters of how awful a mother mine is but it won't get through to any of them... But your sister feels that way naturally.
I have such a hard time getting out to do things with people but for the last few weeks I have been dragged out nearly every day to do things with people and it really does raise my enthusiasm I think. Perhaps leaving the house sometimes is... dare I say it? Healthy.
But the more I am out, the less I have to think about eating. Can't wait until it gets cooler so I can go out easier...
I hope school goes well for you. Try not to get too overwhelmed with everything. First day you usually never get homework so enjoy it yeah?
Good luck and smile :D

Anonymous said...

My god.
I'm so happy for you.

This post actually made me smile.

Tons, tons, of love.

Ashley Nichole said...

You have wonderful vibes, keep them coming!

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