pop goes the weasel.

today was great.

i saw puck, which is probably why today was great. we had awkward small talk. it wasn't awkward for him, only for me i think. i beat around the bush a lot. and then he said he wanted to go home to get lunch because he hadn't had breakfast. then i opened my arms, and i got this... kind of okay hug. naturally, after that, i asked, so when do i get my special hug? you got it yesterday, he replied, slightly confused. i think you should give me a better hug for that A-, sir. the last two hugs were shit. that's because you weren't really into it. you know what? he was right. how wonderfully observant of you, is what i wanted to say. but i had nothing to say to that. so i said nothing. i know this is going to sound really pathetic, but i've felt so massive lately. so i can't give him the same hugs i gave him before i felt as massive as i do right now. before, i didn't mind pressing myself into his arms and letting him pull me in close. but now it's like, GAH. i don't want him to think i'm fat. or that is, i don't want him to realize how big i am. he began walking to his car. just after he vanished from my view, i ran in his direction. yelled. puck! (or whatever his real name is.) i know what i want! i want to play hide and seek! okay, he grinned mischievous as hell. you go hide, and i'll give you a five minute head start. ready? five... four... while he's counting down, he's opening his car door and putting his bag inside. i stomp angrily. like a demented five year old. you're gonna get in your car and drive off! c'mon, i really wanna play. he just smiles. but look, i'm already in my car. not all of you, i say, pointing at his foot, still on the ground. he puts both feet in. tomorrow. basement. ten-forty. i'm not gonna be there, i've got homework to do. ten forty. seriously!  ten forty. basement. wednesday, april thirtieth, two thousand fourteen. be there. i growl, good bye, puck.

and then i see crush # 3, who we'll just call shaggy. and i make sure puck sees me walking away while talking to shaggy. but once i'm back inside the school building, i abandon shaggy to go help my friend, tabby with her paper. apparently i'm good at editing papers. (shocking, isn't it? especially considering the fact that i can't even start my sentences with capital letters.) she doesn't finish, so we both go to class and agree to meet up again later.

later, i come to where we're supposed to meet up and i see crush # 4, the super tall one. let's call him tesla, because he's absolutely brilliant. (and also, tesla was wickedly attractive.) i saw him around all day today, actually. the first time i saw him today, he was looking right over my head as i said, hey! hey! and then he finally looked down and saw me. fortunately, this time, when i said hi, he saw me, smiled and said hi. i've seen you all day today. what's up with that? don't you have a home to get to? he laughed. where ya headed? said he was going to get lunch. asked what i was up to. just going to help a friend with a paper. and doing a crossword puzzle. he smiled. then this girl i know came over and they said hi to each other, and she said hi to me. and he was like, "you two know each other?" apparently, i know everyone. and then tabby shows up, and stands near us. the girl looks at tabby's  nails and goes, "oh my gosh, your nails are amazing!" and they start talking about how they need to do their nails and blahblahblah. and while they're talking, i look at my nails and i show them to tesla. and then he looks at his nails and he shows them to me, and we laugh together, because they're unpolished. it was nice. i took his commonplace book at one point, and said, may i? he said go ahead. i figure most girls would do something like write their name and number. but i just wrote an extra item on his to do list. (it said, remember to smile! because he's always studying and he tends to grimace on occasion.) then he leaves. the girl leaves. tabby and i go to work on her paper.

icing on the proverbial cake? after yesterday's fiasco, i wasn't looking forward to seeing that stupid girl or her guy today. so of course, i see in the study area, that stupid girl. and she's getting help with something from shaggy. i give tabby a brief rundown of what happened yesterday. and she gets super protective of me. she turns to shaggy, and stupid girl-- she mistakenly thought he was the idiot from yesterday, but he wasn't-- and she says, in this absolutely no-nonsense voice, "HEY. we don't want any shit, okay? we're here to work. so don't start any shit." shaggy, who's totally confused and looks really adorable (and slightly scared), tries to ask what's going on. she doesn't even let him talk. she goes, "HEY. no shit. we're here to work." and then it's really quiet and awkward while i tell her that shaggy is innocent. she apologizes to him. but stupid girl? of course not. so she leaves when she's done, and she doesn't give us any shit.

thinking about it still makes me smile.

today was strange and beautiful.



c'mon, mood, shift. shift back to good again.

last night, i went to sleep. more accurately, i fell asleep. i had no intention of doing so. it simply happened. i woke up two and a half hours later, at approximately... one in the morning. and i've been up ever since. i'm not sure why i slept so little or why i'm not tired, but nothing else today has made sense, so this is really the least of my worries.

yesterday, i told puck he owes me for helping him with his paper. he said he agreed, one hundred percent. (if you didn't know, it's one of my favorite percentages.) but then he said it depended on the grade he got on his paper. 

what if you get an A? i've learned not to expect that. okay, what if you get a B? that's an okay grade, probably the best i would've gotten in his class anyway. so if you get a B or above, what do i win? what's a good prize? [let me just pause here to say that esmeralda said i should've said "a kiss" or something equally... whatever the appropriate adjective is for a line like that.] i don't know, but a hug is a good start. and if you get a C or lower, then i owe you one.

so naturally, today, i was eager to see what grade we got. (yes, we because i wrote about three sentences in that paper.) before i saw him, unfortunately, i ran into my friend's "boyfriend". [please note: i didn't know they were even dating officially.]

brief background: my friend (or whatever she is to me now) likes this guy (her supposed "boyfriend"). until today, the story she's been telling me is that they aren't in a relationship, but they have lots of crazy sex together and hang out every once in a while. ("six hours," she once whispered to me, eyes lit. "eww," was my response.) apparently, neither of them wanted to be in a relationship, and he wasn't her boyfriend, and she wasn't his girlfriend, and dammit, they were still going to have sex and just enjoy whatever the fuck happened. i repeatedly told her, that guy offends me. i can't stand him. he pisses me off. he reminds me of my mother. but if you like him, i'll tolerate him for you. he's a total dickwad. a few weeks ago, she and i were talking about his feelings for her, and she told me, "why don't you ask him? but don't say i said to." these were her words. texts are irrefutable evidence. i asked him. he responded as all dickwads do-- in highly irritating sentences. so i ended our convo. since then, i've only spoken to him to say, hello or whatever else seems to be polite at the moment. yesterday, when i was talking to her, she referred to him as "not really her boyfriend" so everything following this is truly confusing. 

just try to bear with me

i made the mistake of being polite when i saw this dude today. i said hi. then this guy starts asking me if i'm mad at him, do i hate him, sometimes i say hi, but i don't talk to him. i say, i'm just being polite. don't read too much into it. then he goes off into this spiel about how he knows i've been saying horrible things about him behind his back, and how he'd really appreciate it if i stopped talking to his "girlfriend" (the first time i heard him actually say this) about him. i said, what did i say exactly? he said i called him weird. (for fuck's sake, i call everything weird.) i said, where's your proof? he said she showed him a text i sent her on saturday, while they were hanging out. i said, oh? and he said, well no, not really, he just happened to see it. and then later, after some severe interrogation, he returned to his original story, which was that she showed it to him. but aside from that, he said, i was saying a lot about him to her. this is where i kind of lost it, and literally called him every horrible name i could fit in to an otherwise clean conversation. here's a sample:

i think, being myself, i reserve the right to call you whatever the fuck i want to call you, whenever the fuck i want to, to whoever the fuck i want to talk to. so if i want to call you an asshat, i'll call you a fucking asshat. if i want to call you a motherless cuntlapping cocksucker, i'll call you a motherless cuntlapping cocksucker. i'm entitled to my own opinion, you dumb shit. 

something like that. (forgive my language.) then he started asking me more shit. then i saw puck. can you say emotional confusion? irritation, because of this guy. but a sort of nervous happiness because of the beautiful boy walking down the hall. fortunately, this assface i'm talking to says, oh there goes my girlfriend, you should go ask her whatever blahblahblah. 

so i turn to puck as he's passing and i ask him what we (yes, it's still we) got on the paper. he looks at the paper and this really slow, adorable smile crosses his face. his eyebrows rise, his eyes light up. he looks at me. A-. of course i'm totally excited because this means i get... whatever my prize turns out to be. i can't wait until you help me with all my other papers, he says. i laugh. yeah right. then i see my friend and, typical me, i tell him i'll see him later and give him a quick hug before i confront this chick. 

biggest mistake i made all day. besides saying hi to dickface.

i'm talking to her, asking her why she'd repeatedly tell her so called "boyfriend" (which i seriously didn't know until wayy after this conversation was over) that i didn't like him. she said she never did that. and then she changed her tune. "there was only that one text..." i'm in the middle of telling her that he said she always tells him, when he calls her on the phone. tells her where he is. i walk with her. i figure we should all stand around and get it all out there. clear the air so to speak. she has something else in mind. "can you give us some time alone?" okay, i say. i wait five, ten, fifteen minutes. they talk in the middle of the parking lot. somewhere during the conversation, they just hug. i can't see much, because my glasses are broken, but i can see that they're definitely hugging. and they intend to hug for a while. so i leave. i just walk away.

later, she sends me angry texts. "i hope you're happy now. i'm a total mess. we broke up. it's all your fault." and so on. i explain to her (in a shockingly logical manner) that even if i don't like him, that has nothing to do with their relationship. (because i'd been saying that for weeks anyway.) of course, she continues to hound me with a barrage of texts. (about six hours worth, but who's counting?) finally, i just tell her i'm impressed/disgusted by the fact that she's so determined to blame me. 

i'm still not entirely sure how it's my fault. (it doesn't seem like it, from my point of view.)

also, when i saw puck again later, like i told him i would, i was too busy being agitated over the accusations to actually get my hug and/or engage in one of our delicious conversations. one of my friends is trying to calm me down, and i don't think puck should see me in this state. so i don't say anything to him. he lingers, a slight distance away, talking to a companion of his while i talk to mine. then as he's leaving, i see a person walking with him for a few seconds. (probably like thirty seconds.) my friend, who sucks at calming me down, turns and says, "is that the guy you like? who's that girl with him?" this is basically when i lost my mind.

oh, and i still don't have new glasses.

i'm not even like, sad or something, just irritated. like, who was that girl? why is my friend so stupid? when did this stupid girl and boy start going out officially? last night? i don't understand any of this. maybe it's the sleep deprivation talking, but if he/she says anything to me tomorrow, i'm very likely to punch him/her in the face. and i don't want to see puck. well, i do , but i can't. i need to just tell him we should get lunch, and then get lunch with him. i suppose. i don't know.

the only one i really care about is puck. out of all of this messy stuff. i just want to get my special hug, for the A-. and the rest of my prize. i earned it fair and square. so i deserve it. and i'll be damned if i let this other bullshit get in the way again.

i'm enough of an obstacle in this whole puck/missinsanity thing.  i don't need more poop on my sidewalk.



damn. damn. damn.

i didn't plan ahead. i should have had a list of things to do in case of emergency.

i could have really used one yesterday, like what to do in case your mother spends the entire day chiseling away at your self-image and self-esteem or what to do in case people touch you when you didn't give them permission to. so naturally, since emotional roller-coasters tend to make me as tired as staying awake for over 24 hours does, i went to sleep. (well, that's the end of that. for now.)

lousy mitochondria and their damn ATP.

on a brighter note, i turned into a real bitch because i hadn't slept. and by bitch, i mean i stopped filtering (the things i wanted to say, not the crap that just flies out on occasion) and really "let people have it". i've learned that people don't like it when you don't listen to them. and they especially don't like it when you talk to them the way they talk to you-- like they're idiots. oh well.

i've got so much work to do today, i'm almost glad i got some sleep.

my glasses broke last week. and then my mother got sick, so i told her let's not go get my new glasses just yet. as everyone knows, a car is just a glorified petri dish if you're stuck inside one with a sick person for any amount of time. it's a bad idea. then she got better. but today (the only day this week that i have available for going anywhere to get new specs) she's driving to a whole other state for some baby shower or whatever. long story short, being without glasses this long is really giving me a massive headache. which also really wore me down.

i still hate sleep though.




i've decided.

i hate sleep. i reject it. (i've always hated sleep, but i still accepted it more or less. not anymore.)

when i sleep, i miss out on the opportunity to do other things. (i'm not sure what those things are at the moment, but if i was asleep, i sure as hell wouldn't be able to figure it out.) also, the longer i stay awake, the more puck and i can talk. and i can clean my room. and i can do all of the assignments i've got to do. and other things.

the trick to not falling asleep isn't caffeine. at least for me. that doesn't work. the crash is inevitable.

it's all about posture.

if i stay upright, my eyes will stay open. i tested this theory. so far it's working.

and the longer i stay awake, the more i can study for finals and whatnot.

no reclining, no lounging, so hunching, no slouching. and no laying, for sure. just doing. an endless procession of verbs.

the end of the school year (also known as finals season) is probably not the best time to test the limits of my mind. or maybe it's the best time. we'll see how long i stay awake. my goal is: the entire weekend. possibly even monday afternoon. which is a little over 72 hours. it's almost been 24 hours so far.

wouldn't it be funny if i stayed awake to study for finals--which aren't even this upcoming week, but the week after, i believe-- and i overslept and missed all of them?

i said funny but i meant typical.

i know it's probably going to turn out to be horrible idea. and i if i do stay awake that long, then hopefully i don't snap in front of puck  because he'll be absolutely terrified. as well he should be. but whatever. i like this plan.



super perfundo on the early eve of your day.

eighty minutes. standing outside, shooting the breeze after school.

i got his number so i could talk to him during class. you owe me a hug because i didn't get one yesterday. and one for today, i said. he simply replied, eh. i assumed that meant i wasn't getting my hug. i wasn't going to bring it up. then i saw him walking to his car (as people do when they're leaving places). so i meow-ed behind him. woof-ed. he turned a corner, leaned against the wall. waited for me.

hey. were you going to jump out and scare me? 

nope. don't i owe you two hugs?

i guess so. but i mean... one should be enough.

well, let's see. so he pulled me in for a hug, arms completely circling me. was one good enough? i stood staring, heart racing, serious as hell, before grinning and stealing my second hug. then he began circling me as he paced. then we simply leaned against the wall, soaking in sunlight. talking, talking, talking. smiling. laughing. he told me things about himself. (i'm actually a really shitty swimmer, he laughed.) i told him thingss about myself. (i love camping. i'm all over it, i grinned.) we discussed anatomy. (the heart is located here, i told him, pressing my palm against his chest.) we talked about temperature. (you look pretty hot right now, he commented, referring to the fact that i was wearing all black and a fuzzy hat while standing in the sun. thank you, was my obvious response.) we talked about his backpack. (it's eight years old.) we talked about his hair. (there's a trick to fixing it, so it doesn't fall in my eyes, he told me, as i ran my fingers through it repeatedly.) we talked about people who don't ask how you're doing after you ask them. (it's like, hey. how are you? you're doing good? great. so don't ask how i'm doing, you dick.) we talked about drinks. (i love apple juice, he said as he smiled.) we talked about his facial expressions. (sometimes i only communicate with my mother using my face. so she'll talk about something and then i'll raise my eyebrows, then she'll explain whatever it is. meanwhile, i have no fucking clue what she's talking about.) he told me little inside jokes that i could pick up on during any conversation involving him. i told him about people i couldn't stand to be around. he told me about the few people he could stand to be around. (did you see my friend? he kinda looks like cristiano ronaldo. he's pretty cool.) we used silly phrases. (that's the way the cookie crumbles. and the mop flops. and the tootsie rolls.)

turns out we have a lot to talk about. we stood there so long that my mother, who drove to my college to pick me up, left because i took too long. i honestly didn't even notice. finally, i really had to go do things. and he had to go because he was hungry and thirsty. in spite of the fact that i was enjoying staring into his eyes and hearing him tell me i smelled good, i know better than to ruin a good moment with excess.

what are you doing tomorrow?

nothing really. what about you?

well, actually, i'm going to be busy for most of the day.


but what are you doing tomorrow evening?

nothing planned at the moment.

cool. maybe we can do something then. just let me know.

yeah. maybe you can help me with my paper. 

maybe not. what's in it for me?

we can eat celery sticks. and carrots. no milk.

cool. then we hugged. he tightened his grip for a few seconds before letting go and walking (at the same speed he always walks) to his car. maybe we won't hang out tomorrow evening. and that's okay. maybe we will. that's better. either way, i'll probably still be really confused about why he thinks i'm worth any of his time.

but hey, i'm not complaining.



running out of excuses.

puck. he's as unpredictable as i am but in less insane ways. in cuter ways. in better ways. i like it.

yesterday, i stood in a hallway. loitering. chatting with my friend's boyfriend and yoshi. we were laughing about violins. the world's tiniest violin. mr. krabs. really, we were rambling. but we had nothing better to do. and then there he was. puck. i love/hate the way my brain lights up when i see him. sometimes i'm afraid he'll notice. other times i hope he does. either way, there he was, walking down the hall with that same mischievous facial expression. without saying a word, as he got closer, his hand rose. for a high five, i assumed. so i raised my hand too. (like i'd miss out on an opportunity to make contact with him.)

i'm still not sure when the high five stopped being a high five. or when he laced his fingers through mine. but it did. and he did. i tried to stall him, so he wouldn't go to class just yet. i didn't have a class at that moment. but he said he had to. i bet my teacher's in there, he said over his shoulder as he opened the door to his classroom. his teacher was there. well, well. whaddya know. then he closed the door behind him. 

again, later, i was standing in the hall, talking to my friend. puck walked into me, shouldering me gently as he passed. i ended the conversation, sidled up to him and asked him why he walks at the same speed all the time. (please note: he always walks at the same speed.) we were talking, talking, talking. laughing at certain points. smiling, non-stop. he went to use the bathroom before class. i went to hang out with people.

then i saw him again after school. i admired his facial features. as well as the rest of him. the sun shined in his eyes. clear, faded green. squinting, i said i wanted to play with his hair. he let me. he didn't even mind when i kept fixing it each time the wind messed it up. (which means next time i see him, i'm gonna be all over that.) he lingered. ten minutes, twenty minutes, thirty minutes. i just stared at him at certain points, puzzled but exhilarated. we made small talk. then waterbear popped up. and she managed to make the conversation significantly less awkward. (hooray!) and then he went home because he had to type a paper. 

my friends are all happily frustrated with me. they say i'm acting out of character. i can talk to anyone without fumbling for words. i can get anyone's number, often without trying. when it's someone i like, i turn into a giant chicken. they say i can't keep acting like i'm not sure if he's interested. they say he must be, if he was willing to stand around just so i could stare at him. they say he wouldn't tell me he'd see me tomorrow if he didn't plan on letting me see him tomorrow. they say if he didn't like me, he wouldn't ask me to sing to him. he wouldn't sit with me, he wouldn't let me hug him or play with his hair. i still don't know. do any of those really mean something? 

i just don't know.



playfully troublesome.

oh. my. gosh.

last week, this fucking beautiful roguishly handsome young man struck up a conversation with me. we had been waving to each other and exchanging high fives in the hallway for weeks before this moment, which i like to think of as the great conjunction. (it sounds very dramatic.) 

i saw him passing with one of his companions, so i waved and said hi. this is what we normally do; this is what i did. that's when he told his friend to go wherever and came and sat down with me and my friend. of course, my friend is amazingly oblivious to life, so she was no help. i got nervous. i told him he had a weird facial expression. he took it in good humor and somehow kept trying to keep the conversation going. then he was like, so what are you doing at twelve? and i said, nothing, why? to which he responded, do you wanna grab lunch? confused, i naturally responded with i'm vegan. (which is neither a yes or a no, for the record.) he said he didn't know what to say to that. i considered saying yes. then i saw this creepy dude who likes to come up to me and hug me, stand around awkwardly for several minutes after the hug, and then shuffle off, only to reappear a few minutes later. naturally, i had to hide. so i told this amazingly gorgeous creature to sit and wait for me while i hid in some far away corner.

when i came back he was gone. 


(but he told my friend to tell me he said bye.)

i didn't see him again for the rest of the week. (which was truly odd, all things considered.) this morning, though, i woke up and i told myself i was going to see him or someone was going to suffer. and you know what? i saw him. i gave him a hug as he was on his way to class. he decided to hang out with me since his teacher was late. we loitered in the hallway, playing a game known as conversation. i told him i figured out what the look on his face was. it's mischievous. he said that could be a bad thing. i told him perhaps, but not in his case. he asked me what i liked to do for fun. i said stuff. then i asked him what he liked to do for fun. he said stuff. i'm not making this easy for myself.

it's not that i want to make things difficult. it's just what i do. but he intrigues me and my curiosity has trapped me. if he was the only one who fascinated me, that would make my life a lot less complicated. but i seem to be flirting with everyone these days, age be damned. but out of all the others, he fascinates me the most. so that's good for him.

anyway, i'll hopefully see this boy tomorrow (let's call him puck for now) so i can get more hugs. his hugs are amazing. and so is his face. and his eyes. especially his eyes. where do all these attractive people come from? how is their existence even possible? how was i not blinded from looking directly at him for so long?

i just don't understand.




this must be what that feeling feels like. a state of exuberance. an exuberant state of being. the quality of being full of energy, excitement, and cheerfulness.

it's not because of the ants that are crawling all over my room right now, because that's not a good thing, but because of just everything. everything is wonderful. and brilliant. and amazing. i was chatting with my supervisor (through text) so comfortably. it's odd, because i can barely talk to her on the phone. in person? heck yeah, i can read her body language and respond appropriately. any other method of communication, and i'm totally confused. but when i saw i had a text from my supervisor, i was like, fuck yeah! it's nice to be accepted by real adults. and she kept the conversation going! it was exhilarating.

i know what i feel like. i was on the train and i had this thought. basically, if i was a person who was deathly allergic to almonds, and i ate chocolate, i'd be fantastically curious about hershey's milk chocolate with almonds. mainly, because the woman next to me at the time started choking on a piece of almond, coughed into a tissue, and then continued eating as if nothing had happened. i figured, if i was allergic to almonds, after seeing that, i'd want to try the damn thing anyway. i'd eat the fucking bar. or i'd try to. i'd probably end up dead by the third bite, but i'd eat the damn thing. and i figure that basically sums up my reaction to everything right now.

besides texting my supervisor, i seem to be developing a friendship with one of the outpatients, a wildly talented and highly dynamic giant of a man. he's like the big friendly giant. he might as well be. that would make me sophie, i suppose.whatever. i'm not actually sure if this is allowed, since i know we're not supposed to do that kind of thing with patients, but i guess anyone on the outside is fair game. never know until ya try, i suppose. i've also picked up talking to strangers. it's been working out well, actually. most people are so confused by my energy that they just play along. maybe. i don't know. one of my friends was standing near me for a few minutes, and then turned and said, i need to get away from you. i just can't with your energy right now. and you need to calm down. yeah. okay, thanks, i'll do that. and also, thanks for speaking up. because i really wanted your opinion.

whatever. i've been reading again. and writing music. and drinking tea. and babbling. mostly babbling. and i have a strange urge to clean my room. and it snowed out of nowhere today, and it made me so happy. i have this one teacher who always calls me bizarre, but in the most endearing way. as if she'd never met anyone like me. i really need to clean my room. and there are all these fucking ants everywhere, it's driving me nuts. but i'm really happy that i'm friends with the b.f.g. because he seems like such a wellspring of knowledge. and we honestly just brain-connected. as soon as we locked eyes, i started thinking i want to be your friend. and now we're friends. and we're gonna be great friends.

i've been listening to a lot of jazz, bossa nova, and swing lately. do you have any idea what fly me to the moon does to my neurons? frank sinatra makes my tail wag. i played pinball tonight. there were so many flashing colors and lights. and then on top of it, i was listening to all of this great music. fuck. ella fitzgerald? bobby darin? astrud gilberto? crank the volume. you know? i don't think i can sleep in this state. i hope i will though. luckily i don't have class until afternoon, so i can stay up all night. or something. i don't know.

all of that aside, i feel great. i want to open my window and howl into the night. or dance around until the sun rises. i want to do something. i want to find something amazing in a store that i don't usually go in. i want to go exploring. and i want to watch a movie. i want to play hide and seek.


i can feel it in my bones. i'm gonna have fun tomorrow.