organized / chaos

i have to be really organized at times like this, when i'm super distract-able and find it hard to focus on one thing for two long. i tried typing five posts over the past few weeks, and none of them were ever finished. just drafts. if i finish this one, thank fuck because i won't ever really be sure how i did it.

the more chaotic my mind becomes, the easier it is to seem like i'm holding everything together, it seems. as long as i stay organized.

so i really can't understand why i decided to clean my room. and i don't mean shiatsu massage styled cleaning which is nice but isn't anything too intense, i mean a deep tissue massage kind of cleaning that gets into cracks and crevices i long forgot existed. i put my books back on the shelf; they were on the floor by my bed before, within reach. when i had time to read, this was perfect but now that i stumble into my house half asleep, tripping over my old friends feels more sacrilegious than anything else.  now they sit across from my bed, spines facing me. they're very lovely, all lined up like this. sadly, i barely put twenty percent of the books on my floor on the shelf. the rest are still on the floor.

then there's the books i decided to put in my closet. books i don't and probably won't read. books that if i really needed to read, i'd go get them. books that are taking up more space than i have. they're stacked up neatly though, alongside the boxes piled high full of my clothes. one box has clean shirts under sweaters under pants under wear-- under underwear, that is-- under a pillow that i switched with another pillow because it wasn't fluffy enough and turned my cloud nine dream-lands into dusty martian landscapes. (not that anything's wrong with mars, but i'm more in need of a few unicorns, fairies, and elves at the moment.) my guitar is leaning nearby, on the chair covered in papers that have no place in this room. and that's only a small portion of my floor.

my bed is clean, at least. warm, fuzzy, and cozy. just the way i like it. i know i have to clean before tuesday, because that's when i kidnap my boyfriend. tuesday or thursday mornings. then i bring him over and we sleep beside each other, wake up reasonably  happy in comparison to mondays, and then play video games until he has to go to work. but i can't have him coming over with my room like this. so... oh well. he'll live.

it's funny, to him. really. he finds my need for organization amusing. baby, no offense,  but i don't get people like you. i just stay relaxed. if i have to do something, i'll remember, and if i don't-- oh well. i'm not sure if he's just overly complacent, though. his memory is so bad that he really should be more organized. but that doesn't matter.

i think i'm really good at holding things together outside of my room but on the inside, it's all whirlygigs, whizzpoppers, bells and whistles. i'm not worried that anyone will figure that out, though, or see what's really going on.

i always keep my door locked.

honestly.

exuberance.

this must be what that feeling feels like. a state of exuberance. an exuberant state of being. the quality of being full of energy, excitement, and cheerfulness.

it's not because of the ants that are crawling all over my room right now, because that's not a good thing, but because of just everything. everything is wonderful. and brilliant. and amazing. i was chatting with my supervisor (through text) so comfortably. it's odd, because i can barely talk to her on the phone. in person? heck yeah, i can read her body language and respond appropriately. any other method of communication, and i'm totally confused. but when i saw i had a text from my supervisor, i was like, fuck yeah! it's nice to be accepted by real adults. and she kept the conversation going! it was exhilarating.

i know what i feel like. i was on the train and i had this thought. basically, if i was a person who was deathly allergic to almonds, and i ate chocolate, i'd be fantastically curious about hershey's milk chocolate with almonds. mainly, because the woman next to me at the time started choking on a piece of almond, coughed into a tissue, and then continued eating as if nothing had happened. i figured, if i was allergic to almonds, after seeing that, i'd want to try the damn thing anyway. i'd eat the fucking bar. or i'd try to. i'd probably end up dead by the third bite, but i'd eat the damn thing. and i figure that basically sums up my reaction to everything right now.

besides texting my supervisor, i seem to be developing a friendship with one of the outpatients, a wildly talented and highly dynamic giant of a man. he's like the big friendly giant. he might as well be. that would make me sophie, i suppose.whatever. i'm not actually sure if this is allowed, since i know we're not supposed to do that kind of thing with patients, but i guess anyone on the outside is fair game. never know until ya try, i suppose. i've also picked up talking to strangers. it's been working out well, actually. most people are so confused by my energy that they just play along. maybe. i don't know. one of my friends was standing near me for a few minutes, and then turned and said, i need to get away from you. i just can't with your energy right now. and you need to calm down. yeah. okay, thanks, i'll do that. and also, thanks for speaking up. because i really wanted your opinion.

whatever. i've been reading again. and writing music. and drinking tea. and babbling. mostly babbling. and i have a strange urge to clean my room. and it snowed out of nowhere today, and it made me so happy. i have this one teacher who always calls me bizarre, but in the most endearing way. as if she'd never met anyone like me. i really need to clean my room. and there are all these fucking ants everywhere, it's driving me nuts. but i'm really happy that i'm friends with the b.f.g. because he seems like such a wellspring of knowledge. and we honestly just brain-connected. as soon as we locked eyes, i started thinking i want to be your friend. and now we're friends. and we're gonna be great friends.

i've been listening to a lot of jazz, bossa nova, and swing lately. do you have any idea what fly me to the moon does to my neurons? frank sinatra makes my tail wag. i played pinball tonight. there were so many flashing colors and lights. and then on top of it, i was listening to all of this great music. fuck. ella fitzgerald? bobby darin? astrud gilberto? crank the volume. you know? i don't think i can sleep in this state. i hope i will though. luckily i don't have class until afternoon, so i can stay up all night. or something. i don't know.

all of that aside, i feel great. i want to open my window and howl into the night. or dance around until the sun rises. i want to do something. i want to find something amazing in a store that i don't usually go in. i want to go exploring. and i want to watch a movie. i want to play hide and seek.

meow.

i can feel it in my bones. i'm gonna have fun tomorrow.

honestly.