round and round and round.

yesterday i didn't go to sleep because i stayed up writing a three page essay. apparently, the teacher only wanted one. (good news: she liked it anyway. lucky me.) i also stayed up studying for a test that turned out to be open notes. somehow i manage to function normally without sleep. unfortunately, with that comes a greater chance for impulsive behavior, a decreased possibility for logical thinking, and the knowledge that nothing will make any sense.

take this afternoon, for example. a friend of mine asked me out on a date. i said, sure i 'll come along. i have nothing better to do tonight. sleep? nah, i'll come hang out with you and some other people i don't know. i'd be a liar if i said i didn't have fun, but i can have fun with just about anyone. what wasn't fun was when he dropped me off at home, and was obviously going for what i assume is the standard finisher to every "date". i dodged, gave him a hug, and got the fuck out of that car. he's quite possibly the last person i would've expected to do something like that. but he did. and now it's there, in the air between us. (hopefully he picks me up for school tomorrow, though, i really don't think i want to take the bus.)

you know what doesn't make sense? crush # 2. the tiny creature who's had a crush on me for the past (approximately) four years. i know i said, i rejected him for a good reason and i'll probably keep that up because i'm stubborn. well, no. i actually really want to tell him i like him. but of course, now that i'm ready to go full david cassidy mode and start singing, "i woke up in love this morning," or "i think i love you," he's totally not paying attention to me. i mean, he is, kind of, but not the same as before. and i'm afraid it really is because he has me figured out. i don't like being predictable. and no matter what i do, he just looks at me the same way. he doesn't even give me good hugs anymore. he's just doing schoolwork and focusing on blahblahblah. school sucks.

i need sleep. my eyes are literally dying. i have class all day tomorrow, from the morning, until 9 at night, and i have no break-times. that being said, i'm probably going to stay away all night tonight too. i witnessed a really negative racial moment tonight and it upset me. a lot. so i'm going to watch malcolm x (the 1992 film), and then contemplate privileges and oppression. and then i'm going to do my homework for tomorrow. and if i finish all of this before 5 am, then i'll go to sleep. if not, i'll stay awake. two days in a row, yay. i don't count fifteen minute naps as sleep, although they do help. it has to be at least 2 hours for me to say i slept.

damn that crush # 2 for placing my mind in turmoil. i rejected that brainy kid and i rejected my friend tonight, all because of the hope that this stupid guy still likes me and won't reject me. i should make some tea and think about that too. my brain is going in circles, which is nice. sometimes it jumps from topic to topic to topic to topic, and sometimes it stays on a few topics for absurd periods of time. they're both nice, but the second one feels better right now. bleah. he has insomnia too. i should text him.

stay up all night before having to stay awake all day. text crush # 2. do homework. watch a movie. and finish it all before it's time to leave for school. this plan is so bad, it's good. i like it.



time out.

i should be studying for a test in my quasi-psychological but basically feminist class. (for the record, i have nothing against feminists. i just despise irritating old women with whiny voices and hypocritical thought patterns.) however, i don't really want to study, i need to figure out what i'm doing tomorrow, and the day is almost over, which is really bad, considering what day it is.

quickly, now.

meow. <3

i didn't forget, my fellow nail polisher. i hope it was good. i hope you're smiling. take care of yourself, friend, whatever you're up to. i hope the weather's amazing and the sky is clear and the stars are all sparkling above you and such. everything should be lovely, because it's your birthday. but then, you already knew that.

i hope you have a happy birthday, ray.


twenty one.

i finally turned twenty-one. (happy new year to me.) because of all the things i was doing with school, i didn't have any time to plan something. or do anything. as far as "birthdays" go, it was uneventful. i've wondered and still wonder why i still subscribe to the notion that something exciting has to happen on my birthday, or something involving other people. in retrospect, nothing good ever happens when i try to spend time with people on my birthday. either way, it's nice to still be alive.

if  you had asked me nine years ago what my life would be like when i hit twenty one, i would've had some crazy ideas. some of the things i wanted to do when i was younger, i did. actually, up to this point, most of the things i wanted to do when i was younger, i did. a few things were just completely stupid, pointless, or otherwise unimportant, so i don't really mind having not done them.

i found out that one of my friends is moving to another state about two weeks ago. i was really upset with him, because he didn't tell me, and i found out through another person. but then i realized how stupid it was to waste our remaining time together. that's one of the cool things about growing up and having so many experiences. i realize things a lot faster than i used to. like when someone's full of shit. or when i should keep my mouth shut.

i'm starting to appreciate simpler people more. you know how some people just complicate your life and make everything stressful somehow? i don't need that. simple people (not stupid or boring, necessarily, just simple) are easier to talk to. they're easier to be around. they're like sneakers versus high heels. you can have them around all day and be completely comfortable. i know a few people who are like that all the time. i enjoy them. i'm finally getting rid of negative company. i want to be a person i can completely respect. that includes my choice of friends. for example, this muppet-like girl (and no, i don't mean awesomely puppety, i mean something else entirely) and i had this conversation. for the record, she thinks the sun shines out of her anus and we should all subscribe to her issues. wrong. and wrong.

her: is your smile broken? [insert shit-eating grin.]
me: yes. yes it is. [straight faced.]
her: oh really? why is that?
me: i can't smile when i look at your face.

that was a good day.

my room is as messy as ever, and i still carry my teddy bear around with me from time to time. i'm happy about that. i don't want to be like a lot of my friends, who crumbled under the pressure to grow up at a certain pace and let go of their childhoods. i don't plan on doing that. i like banana's i-don't-give-a-fuck attitude. she knows who she is, who she wants to be, and maybe she'll be offended by your reaction to her from time to time, but she'll stay that way. she's awesome. people who don't let other people change them are great people. unless, of course, they're horrible people. then they're still horrible.

i wrote a letter to myself for my birthday. i told myself, don't flip a tit over useless $#!*. i think that's probably the best advice i ever gave myself. everything else came from other people. the best advice i got on my birthday was from my supervisor. she said, "if you hit a wrong note, hit it again." basically, if i make a mistake, learn to be okay with it. learn from it. i have a tendency to not want to do something again, if my first shot at it is horrible. (i.e. i refuse to take my driver's test until i stop hating cars.) i don't think i'll grow as a person if i keep that up. so i don't plan on it.

i like the blankness of year twenty-one. i'm going to have fun with it.