being honest.

one of my friends is having surgery today. he has a tumor in one of his lungs. when we met a few years ago, i knew we'd be friends because he said he could ruin any food for me. i called him kenny, then, no sense in changing that now. (although i found out that wasn't his name after i wrote that post.) i don't know what's wrong with him, what hospital he's at, what his chances are, or when he'd be leaving the hospital. this bothers me. i've been here before. hospitals suck.

four years ago, my dad was in the hospital. it wasn't until he needed to have surgery that i knew what was wrong with him, and which hospital he was at. even at that point, i didn't know what his chances were, or when he'd be leaving the hospital. he died, not long after his second? third? operation. just as science predicted. this is what i get for cutting myself off emotionally; i can't remember the details. i remember i was eating french fries when i found out he died, though, and the sight of everyone crying made me disgusted. humans feeling emotion? no thank you.

the other day, this lady said something i considered slightly fucked up. it came out of nowhere. she turned to me, while we were volunteering in a food pantry, and said, you know, your father had been dead for a while before they found out. i knew, because his nails were blue. your mother was leaving to take a shower and come back to see him, but i knew already. and the whole time, i stood there like, are you serious? i knew what she was talking about, and the day she was referring to. i was there, and i had actually gone to talk to him and stuff. i wasn't sure if he heard me or not, but i liked to think that he did. but i guess not. so thanks, lady, for taking away my last good memory of my father. that would make our last conversation the night of my birthday, which sucks even more, because it was one of the hardest conversations i've ever had in my life.  but back to my friend.

i really wanted to visit him while he was in the hospital, because i don't know... you know what i mean? i don't know what will happen. that scares me. but i'm so used to shutting myself down when my negative emotions start to feel uncontrollable that now i don't necessarily feel afraid, but i know that there's a part of me that is. a lot of people don't understand why i watch children's shows. they teach children how to identify emotions. i think i need to learn how to do that, because i feel like a fool. or to be more accurate, when i feel, i feel like a fool. i don't know if this makes any sense.

yesterday, i spent over ten hours hanging out with two of my friends. the guy whose recital crush # 4 was supposed to be at (he never went), and a girl in one of my classes that my "papa bear" calls the big e.  i guess we can call my friend goofy because he's pretty silly. anyway, the big e has a crush on goofy, and i'm aware of this. and he likes me, which i'm also aware of. i didn't eat all day, because the two of them make me think of kenny-- goofy, because they've played the guitar together and we've partied together, and the big e, because she started becoming friends with kenny, but then she stopped and now i don't know what's going on. i'm not really sure why the thought of kenny makes me not want to eat, now that i think about it, and i'm not really sure why that made sense in my brain. but it does. accept it. she was a little mad at me last night because she was trying to spend time alone with goofy but he told me he didn't want to be alone with her. he said, while referring to her not-so-subtle advances, there's feelings. coming from her. only. just from her side. seriously. i'd never. ever. i don't need to tell you why the first part of her name is "the big", i think you can figure that out on your own. but some fucked up part of me stirred yesterday, with a terrible plan to distract me from being sad. i don't know how to appropriately respond to many of my emotions. unfortunately, sadness is one of those. but nothing happened. mainly because i think goofy is on his way to being bulimic, and i know this will sound a little fucked up, but i don't feel like playing superhero with all of my friends right now. especially not if my solution to the problem will make everything worse. none of that matters. actually, it does. if there was anyone i could talk to in school about this, it would be one of these two. but i don't think kenny's told anyone besides his teachers and me. which is interesting to me, because i didn't know we were this close, but i suppose he thinks we are. and that's all that matters.

i can't really talk to my mother about this either. this morning, while making tea, in a greater lapse of sanity and self-control than usual, i asked her, how long after someone has surgery do they leave the hospital? she couldn't answer it clearly. and then, because i asked, she started drilling me about who was in the hospital and what they were doing there. so i told her. my friend is having surgery on his lung. the house got really quiet after that. it's not like we have the greatest relationship. we can barely live together. even if we did, i wouldn't bring it up. this is about the same time of the year that my dad was having surgery for the first time when i was fifteen, and i don't think i want to bring back those memories for her. even if she's actually trying to be human right now, i don't want it to be because my friend is in the hospital. i want her motives to be purer than that.

i guess what i'm saying is i'm scared. kenny and i may not be the closest friends in the world, but we've had some pretty personal talks, and some pretty special moments. like the night i threw up on him when i got really drunk. i've been sober for the entire semester, but if when he gets out of the hospital, if he wants to drink, we're drinking. i'm worried, also, because he doesn't want me to visit him in the hospital. i don't remember if i told him about my dad or not, but whether or not he knows, he doesn't want me to go there. maybe it's also because i told him i hate hospitals. either way, he said, it's better that you come visit when i'm at home. i said okay. but what if he doesn't make it back home?

this sucks.

his surgery is today, in approximately five hours. i'm going to deal with this the same way i dealt while my father was having surgery: cleaning, consuming nothing but tea and water, and playing video games. hopefully, he'll be okay. i'll feel like a bitch if he dies, because i don't know how to cry at funerals.



you ever feel like goldilocks?

crush # 4 gets his own post. remember: i said the number meant absolutely nothing about their level of importance. he didn't make the top three because the only conversation we had (until today) was three lines, shouted across the college's campus. and i didn't even know his name, so i couldn't give him a nickname.

let's get right to it, shall we?

this is what happened.
  • i wanted to play hide and seek, because i arrived at school two hours too early for my finals.
  • i convinced a friend of mine to play hide and seek. naturally, i hid first.
  • i went to the second floor of the building we were in, and i sat at the first table i saw.
  • i realized that the table i was sitting at had a person already sitting there.
  • i realized that the person already sitting there was (you guessed it) # 4.
  • he recognized me, knew what game i was playing, and accepted those two things in under a minute.
  • we made small talk while laughing at my friend who, to our mutual astonishment, could not see me and passed me several times. at arm's length.
  • my friend gave up looking for me; i quit playing and decided to hang out with # 4 until we had to take our finals.
  • we studied together, made small talk every once in a while, and then went to take our finals.
while we were sitting together, one of my friends (who has a crush on me, because he's demented) dropped a flyer on the table for this thing he's playing the guitar in. and # 4 looked at me, asked if my friend was any good, and then asked if i was going. i replied yes to both. he also asked me how much longer i was stuck at this dreadful school, what music i was into, what instrument i played, and what major i was. and i asked him how much longer he was stuck at this dreadful school, what music he was into, what instruments he played, and what major he was. among other things. i had to resist saying "where have you been all my life semester?" by the end of this conversation.

also, # 3 is no longer the tallest. now it's this guy. i actually asked him how tall he was, which i do very rarely. he's 6' 6''. that's over a foot taller than me! walking next to him, i felt like a smurf. i liked it. the only problem was that i was really nervous about sitting still near him too long, like if i stayed in the same position long enough, he'd see me the way i see me. and that would be bad. so i kept jumping up and running off for weird reasons. also because i have the attention span of a dead flea right now.

well, okay, there might be another problem. i'm not entirely sure how old he is. i mean,  # 3 was no spring chicken, but this person is of indeterminable age. i suck at guessing these things, regardless of gender or situation. whatever. he's still on the list, no matter how old he is.

so maybe i'll see him on monday, at my friend's recital. that would be nice. 

he was studying the brain when i interrupted him. how hot is that? his handwriting is great, he can spell, he's amiable, he's neat, he eats bel-vita crackers, and he's the tallest person i've seen at our college. as soon as he told me he was 6' 6'', i thought about this quote from a book i've read at least a hundred times.

"You ever feel like Goldilocks?"
Ben looks up. He looks surprised to see Sethie in his doorway, but he doesn't miss a beat and replies, "Doesn't she complain that the beds are too soft and too hard, not too big or too small?"
"Close enough."
Ben shrugs. "Close enough," he repeats.
"Ever get tired of not quite fitting on the furniture?"
"Yes. And i really think they should have discounts for people who can only fit into SUVs and first-class seats on the plane."
Sethie laughs, "That makes it sound like a handicap."
Ben laughs back, "Sometimes it feels like one."
Sethie nods, suddenly serious. She imagines Ben squeezing into spaces that don't quite fit, wishing he were just a little bit smaller. In that respect, she thinks, we're actually quite similar.
the stone girl by alyssa b. sheinmel

i think i read too much. but i bet that's really how it is when you're very tall sometimes. i just have to make sure i never ask him that question. 

i thought of a nickname for him right after he told me his name. and then i decided i hated it. now that i think about it (again) i kind of want to call him lurch, as in the addams family's amazingly tall companion. but i want something that fits better. whatever. time for some late-night tea partyin'. 

after all the drooling i did over this guy today, i need to re-hydrate.



fill my stomach with butterflies. have me floating on air.

crushes are cute. the concept of having a crush. the feeling of liking someone. the stupid things you do that make that person smile, that maybe aren't as stupid as you thought. the moments when your eyes connect with theirs and your heart jumps in your chest. the way that bubbly feeling can overflow into every other moment of your day. it's a precious experience.

and then there's the dark side of crushes.

the feeling of liking someone you know won't ever like you. the stupid things you do that make that person smile, but in a way that tells you that it was much dumber than you thought. the moments when your eyes lock onto theirs and your heart collapses because they weren't looking back. the way that hopeless feeling can overflow into every other moment of your day. it's a terrible experience.

i've had more crushes than anyone i've ever known. they're typically people i see around school, since i'm (unfortunately) spending most of my time there. and with this semester ending in a little while, i thought it'd be nice to do a bit of gardening. see, my crushes are a mixture of weeds and flowers. the weeds are the people who are only appealing in a really minor and unimportant way. like, they might know a lot about a topic. or they have an interesting hairstyle. or their syntax is completely unique and fascinating. but they're missing too much of the other stuff for me to really like them in that head over heels way. in the movie kissing jessica stein, jess says this perfectly.

i think that's been my big thing. not smart or not funny, or not smart and not funny. or smart, but funny in a totally unappealing way. you know? just like funny/ stupid, or funny/ dopey, but not funny/ witty or funny/ ironic or funny/ goofy, you know? or they seem smart, and then you realize that they aren't at all. and that's funny, but funny/ tragic.

i can relate to that. the flowers are the people who either have all of the things the weeds are missing (plus the things the weeds have) or they're intriguing. mysterious. maybe moths and dragonflies would is a better way to put this. either way, i've narrowed down the list to a few interesting people. no nicknames for these yet. just to make my life easier. (it's hard to come up with nicknames that fit. especially if one of the people is named nick. which i'm not saying is the case here. but i'm not saying it isn't. meh.) the order isn't important. meaning number one on this list may not be number one on my list.

# 1: this one is fun. he's taller than me and recently, whenever he sees me, knows i'll want a hug. so he gives me hugs. it's nice. he's also got a strange way of standing. and i always get the feeling, when he looks at me, that he's really engaged in the conversation. which is nice. he's definitely the mysterious one. i found out that he has six people in his family the other day. why does this matter? it really doesn't. but i think once conversations in school move from school topics to more personal topics, it's definitely a good thing. as opposed to, how are finals? "good. you?" decent. can't wait for classes to end. "yup. same here." ..... "....." well... "see ya." that would suck.

one day, i ran into him while i was trying to decide whether or not i should go to class. i told him, i'm trying to decide whether or not i should go to class. he said then i shouldn't go to class. (if only it was that simple.) and i said, where are you going? home, he replied. to play video games. i said he was lucky, and i was jealous. i'd rather play video games than go to class. and he said, then come to my house and play video games with me. of course i went to class after that. but now i can say things to him like when am i coming over? or you promised me video games. and other things. he's the youngest. (he is a freshman; i am a junior.) he's got a cheshire cat smile. the feeling i get from it lingers long after he's gone.

# 2: this one's weird, because he liked me first, and i rejected him. he was kind of weird. the bad kind of weird. and something happened overnight, or possibly over the summer, and he's different. i don't know how exactly. he looks the same. he has started dressing differently. but i don't think that's it. (i'm figuring this out. right now.) he's always had this habit of standing around, not saying anything, and watching me. it was weird before. now when he does it, it's... different.

damn. i'm usually better with words than this.

actually, i think i know what it is. he used to have this look on his face whenever i saw him, the look a cat gives you while you're scratching its back or after you've fed it. but i never did any of those things for him. now he just looks bored. not the bad kind of bored, which usually stems from disinterest, but the other kind of bored. the bored you get when you know something (or in this case, someone) so well that no matter what happens, you've got it all figured out. and he probably does. or maybe i've just gotten used to him looking out for me. like when he tells people i'm vegan before they offer me cookies, cake or pizza. or when he sees i'm unhappy at school and buys me candy to cheer me up. it's nice to know someone pays attention to you. but i rejected him for a good reason (i'm sure), and i'm stubborn, so i'll probably keep doing that. even if i do like him now.... anyway, he's the boniest. i'm actually trying really hard to not hug him.

# 3: this guy is super tall and lanky. he reminds me of shaggy from scooby doo, and not just because he's got the hippie vibe doing on. he's a grad student, and i was his first friend at this college. he plays the guitar and sings, and something about his voice is really raw when he sings. it feels like he's letting out more when he sings than when he speaks. i have his number, just never used it. mainly because he (probably) has a girlfriend. how could a guy like this not be taken already? i think he's delightful. i don't see him as much as i did last year, mainly because he's busy being an adult now. i think i just like being his friend, and i'd like things to stay like that. but that doesn't mean i'm not hypnotized by his long strides across campus, or down the stairs, or up the stairs. in fact, i think he'd be a great friend to have around for a long time. not intensely close, but close enough. he's the oldest. (not reallly old, but older.)

i think three is enough. i mean, there's a literal forest of weeds, and for me to go through all of those would be insane. there are a few other flowers, but none of them have bloomed like these have. regardless of whether or not these crushes turn into something bigger than crushes, i'll be listening to of montreal and dancing around happily in my room. it's the possibility of something more that excites me. the actual thought of a relationship scares me into submission. and crushes don't usually make you sad, unless you make the mistake of confessing that you like them and they reject you. or if you tell your friends about them and word spreads around (as it tends to), and they avoid you forever.

if i end up singing eros' entropic tundra or something equally unhappy, then one of the above happened. or i lied, and i did want these crushes to be something more. fortunately, these are just the top three out of i-don't-know-how-many-people-i-actually-like. and that's just from school. can you imagine how long this post would be if i counted all the other people i know?

i could cover a wall in my room with the names of all the crushes i've got right now. or at least half a wall.



as if i had all the time in the world.

i love you guys so much that instead of taking notes in my class earlier (about six or seven hours ago), i wrote something in my notebook. it's not as amusing as it was earlier, at least not to me. i'm gonna put it in italics, because i am gonna write more stuff after this. but i wrote it down to share with you, so i'm gonna share it with you. corrections and all. deal with it.

i'm writing this in class. we're talking about eating disorders today. i came in late because i forgot today's was lesson was on e-ds, but i guess my subconscious remembered. when i walked in, the first words i saw were "vomiting", "laxatives", and "fasting". "bulimia". "anorexia".


that being said, i'm not amused by the lack of knowledge (and sensitivity) of my professor. i am amused by level of distress. i can honestly feel my body withdrawing into itself. retracting, even. basically, i hate this class right now. i like my teacher, though. he's stupid, so i've come to accept this as a fact of being in this class. i like him because of it. i admire his stupidity, and ability to still be a professor. man, if i could pull off a scheme like this...

i made a bed-wetting joke. go me. :)

so, is it just me or is life in general really triggering? don't get me wrong. size zero girls wearing revealing clothing? no food for the day. morbidly obese woman being too close for too long? gotta get some extra exercise in. but life in general-- mean people, irritation, bad grades (or good grades)... anything. it's all bad. 

also, i'm behind in my hw. which automatically means caffeine and pills. all night long.

ooh, now we're on pyromania.

i should pay attention to this. fire is good.


so, that was during class time. it looked like i was taking excellent notes, and i got to tell you about my class. win-win. of course, after a class on eating disorders, who else would i miss but banana? so i sent her a couple texts. there was this really great part of our conversation. really. freaking. great. she was telling me she's doing the raw diet thing again. eighty-ten-ten raw, if you don't remember that day. which you shouldn't. (unless you're a creep. then you're a weirdo. what the hell are you doing here? you don't belong here.) also in that post, if you remember the lovely sticks... call me a romantic, but i kind of want to see her again. so i'm working on that. seeing her next semester. regularly. unavoidable. i'm gonna make it happen. i never had a more triggering crush than that girl. well, as far as girls go. whatever. she's still one of the cutest things ever. (you'll find her mentioned here, and then here, and then here. and maybe a lot more in the future, hm? fingers crossed.)

okay, enough stalling. i have three papers to do in the next... eightyish minutes. sounds impossible, right?


get ready to be amazed.


actually, on the off chance that i totally don't finish all three papers tonight, i will be totally honest and say "ha! i'm so full of myself sometimes." but if i do finish it, WHICH ISN'T TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE, i'm gonna be all like, "why don't i just do these things earlier and not wait until the last eighty minutes before they're due?" okay. enough stalling. i'd better go do my homework.



"good is just the enemy of great and you have to work everyday to get closer to being great."

hazel-rah said that to me last night, while he was at the gym. i like it. it was preceded by "unfortunately, no matter how good you are, something is off." i think he slipped inside my brain, pulled out all the odd bits, and arranged them in a way that sounded slightly less insane. i say things like that to myself, but they never sound normal. what's up with that? actually, most things i say don't sound normal, even simple things like, "hello" or "goodbye" or "i wish i was taking organic chemistry". it's a blessing and a curse, i suppose.

speaking of sounding crazy...

i'm in this sign language class, and we have this group presentation to do. groups of two, which is better than groups of three, which is way better than groups of four. and so on. anyway, we (my partner and i) decided to present if you're happy and you know it. but we're replacing happy with different emotions. so we were sitting together, using our combined brain power, and we wrote down happy, sad, angry, tired. and then she was like, what other emotions are there? and i said hungry. and she was like, hungry's not really an emotion, is it? and i gave some pseudo-logical explanation that she reluctantly accepted. (for the record, i don't think hunger is an emotion.) then we were doing "if you're ____ and you know it, you can _____". (you already know where this is going.) so we started writing them down. if you're happy and you know it, you can smile. if you're sad and you know it, you can cry. if you're angry and you know it, stomp your feet. if you're tired and you know it, go to sleep. easy. and then i was like, what do you do if you're hungry?

in my mind, it seemed like a valid question. not to her. she just kind of laughed and said, eat. but she said it in that semi-questioning way people say things when the answer should be totally obvious. so i just kind of laughed and said, rigghhtt.

also today, i patted my friend on the shoulder, and instantly enamored with the boniness of his body, continued to pat his shoulder at random moments throughout our class. he, luckily, thought nothing of it.

i'm currently semi-obsessed with one tree hill. yes, i watched gossip girl over the summer. so sue me. i think i'm regressing-- i may have said this before, which only solidifies the thought in my mind-- back into childhood. kind of. i'm moving backwards, anyway. mentally. in a way.

i ran into a group of my old friends the other day, and i was instantly offended by how their lives seem to have leapfrogged forward, while mine seems to be hobbling like an old man with two broken legs. never mind the fact that they're all older than me, and speaking from a chronological viewpoint, they're not really speeding through life. (if life is a highway.) i was pretty angry. irritated. displeased.

do you ever feel like life is playing duck duck goose with you and a bunch of other people, and they're all ducks, and you're the goose and life is chasing you around the circle with a sledgehammer screeching, "i'm gonna get ya!!" ?

'cause i felt like that.

who wants to be a goose, anyway? they just  leave poop in parks and create noise pollution at odd hours of the day. and toy makers don't make rubber geese. they make rubber ducks. obviously, if something is worth turning into a toy, it's better than something else. and what kind of game is duck duck goose anyway? why would children willingly choose to label their peers in such a harsh way?

that being said, i just looked up duck duck goose on google, and i found duck, duck, goose: the ultimate guide to cooking waterfowl, both farmed and wild. so i guess it doesn't matter which you are, you'll end up in hot water anyway.


i don't even know what this post was supposed to be about anymore.