being honest.

one of my friends is having surgery today. he has a tumor in one of his lungs. when we met a few years ago, i knew we'd be friends because he said he could ruin any food for me. i called him kenny, then, no sense in changing that now. (although i found out that wasn't his name after i wrote that post.) i don't know what's wrong with him, what hospital he's at, what his chances are, or when he'd be leaving the hospital. this bothers me. i've been here before. hospitals suck.

four years ago, my dad was in the hospital. it wasn't until he needed to have surgery that i knew what was wrong with him, and which hospital he was at. even at that point, i didn't know what his chances were, or when he'd be leaving the hospital. he died, not long after his second? third? operation. just as science predicted. this is what i get for cutting myself off emotionally; i can't remember the details. i remember i was eating french fries when i found out he died, though, and the sight of everyone crying made me disgusted. humans feeling emotion? no thank you.

the other day, this lady said something i considered slightly fucked up. it came out of nowhere. she turned to me, while we were volunteering in a food pantry, and said, you know, your father had been dead for a while before they found out. i knew, because his nails were blue. your mother was leaving to take a shower and come back to see him, but i knew already. and the whole time, i stood there like, are you serious? i knew what she was talking about, and the day she was referring to. i was there, and i had actually gone to talk to him and stuff. i wasn't sure if he heard me or not, but i liked to think that he did. but i guess not. so thanks, lady, for taking away my last good memory of my father. that would make our last conversation the night of my birthday, which sucks even more, because it was one of the hardest conversations i've ever had in my life.  but back to my friend.

i really wanted to visit him while he was in the hospital, because i don't know... you know what i mean? i don't know what will happen. that scares me. but i'm so used to shutting myself down when my negative emotions start to feel uncontrollable that now i don't necessarily feel afraid, but i know that there's a part of me that is. a lot of people don't understand why i watch children's shows. they teach children how to identify emotions. i think i need to learn how to do that, because i feel like a fool. or to be more accurate, when i feel, i feel like a fool. i don't know if this makes any sense.

yesterday, i spent over ten hours hanging out with two of my friends. the guy whose recital crush # 4 was supposed to be at (he never went), and a girl in one of my classes that my "papa bear" calls the big e.  i guess we can call my friend goofy because he's pretty silly. anyway, the big e has a crush on goofy, and i'm aware of this. and he likes me, which i'm also aware of. i didn't eat all day, because the two of them make me think of kenny-- goofy, because they've played the guitar together and we've partied together, and the big e, because she started becoming friends with kenny, but then she stopped and now i don't know what's going on. i'm not really sure why the thought of kenny makes me not want to eat, now that i think about it, and i'm not really sure why that made sense in my brain. but it does. accept it. she was a little mad at me last night because she was trying to spend time alone with goofy but he told me he didn't want to be alone with her. he said, while referring to her not-so-subtle advances, there's feelings. coming from her. only. just from her side. seriously. i'd never. ever. i don't need to tell you why the first part of her name is "the big", i think you can figure that out on your own. but some fucked up part of me stirred yesterday, with a terrible plan to distract me from being sad. i don't know how to appropriately respond to many of my emotions. unfortunately, sadness is one of those. but nothing happened. mainly because i think goofy is on his way to being bulimic, and i know this will sound a little fucked up, but i don't feel like playing superhero with all of my friends right now. especially not if my solution to the problem will make everything worse. none of that matters. actually, it does. if there was anyone i could talk to in school about this, it would be one of these two. but i don't think kenny's told anyone besides his teachers and me. which is interesting to me, because i didn't know we were this close, but i suppose he thinks we are. and that's all that matters.

i can't really talk to my mother about this either. this morning, while making tea, in a greater lapse of sanity and self-control than usual, i asked her, how long after someone has surgery do they leave the hospital? she couldn't answer it clearly. and then, because i asked, she started drilling me about who was in the hospital and what they were doing there. so i told her. my friend is having surgery on his lung. the house got really quiet after that. it's not like we have the greatest relationship. we can barely live together. even if we did, i wouldn't bring it up. this is about the same time of the year that my dad was having surgery for the first time when i was fifteen, and i don't think i want to bring back those memories for her. even if she's actually trying to be human right now, i don't want it to be because my friend is in the hospital. i want her motives to be purer than that.

i guess what i'm saying is i'm scared. kenny and i may not be the closest friends in the world, but we've had some pretty personal talks, and some pretty special moments. like the night i threw up on him when i got really drunk. i've been sober for the entire semester, but if when he gets out of the hospital, if he wants to drink, we're drinking. i'm worried, also, because he doesn't want me to visit him in the hospital. i don't remember if i told him about my dad or not, but whether or not he knows, he doesn't want me to go there. maybe it's also because i told him i hate hospitals. either way, he said, it's better that you come visit when i'm at home. i said okay. but what if he doesn't make it back home?

this sucks.

his surgery is today, in approximately five hours. i'm going to deal with this the same way i dealt while my father was having surgery: cleaning, consuming nothing but tea and water, and playing video games. hopefully, he'll be okay. i'll feel like a bitch if he dies, because i don't know how to cry at funerals.



ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

ohhhhhhhhhhh that dude
a tumour? in his lung? omg. i hope he'll recover nicely!
oh, deja vu feelings are the fucking worst i swear.
funny how little facts like that ruin things, huh? i'm sorry about your Father. old scars could still hurt. look at Harry Potter.
it makes sense to me.
people are complex. i consider feeling nothing a feeling on its own. the numbness could be just as painful as feeling something. in fact, emptiness...is horrible.
i think the thing about surgery and sickness and things related with death and such - you tend to feel a lot of emotion. it's just not unidentifiable most of the time. it's not clear cut. it's not just "oh, i feel sad". it just feels like you're being swallowed up or overwhelmed with something sometimes. don't know what it is but it's there.
if you rambled on for this long, you definitely feel something for it. just as a side note.
i hope he'll be fine. i hope you'll be fine as well.
when a person dies or is badly ill, their sickness consumes everyone around them. dying is easy. living is hard.

-Sam Lupin
PS. i love you. <3

Bella said...

Oh Jesus, that lady shouldn't have said that to you. Seriously. Fucked. Up. I can't believe anyone would tell someone that. There are just no words... I'm so sorry.

I need to learn how to identify emotions too. At the moment, all I feel able to express is yelling "I AM FEELING A LOT OF NEGATIVE THINGS BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT".

I hope your friend's surgery went okay. It's scary when anyone we know is seriously ill and we don't know what's going to happen. If you've puked on him and you guys are still friends, that's something special ;) Seriously though, I'm keeping both you and he in my thoughts, and I hope he makes a speedy recovery. Lots of love and hugs to you xx

Faye said...

"a lot of people don't understand why i watch children's shows. they teach children how to identify emotions. i think i need to learn how to do that, because i feel like a fool. or to be more accurate, when i feel, i feel like a fool."
Darling, this made entirely too much sense to me... that's exactly how I feel...

I'm bad with emotions too, so, I hope your friend is okay, and I hope you're okay in the interim until you know if he's okay. Let us know.


Jax said...

Come back to me baby, I miss reading about your life.

Happy New Year-- Jax

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