this must be what that feeling feels like. a state of exuberance. an exuberant state of being. the quality of being full of energy, excitement, and cheerfulness.

it's not because of the ants that are crawling all over my room right now, because that's not a good thing, but because of just everything. everything is wonderful. and brilliant. and amazing. i was chatting with my supervisor (through text) so comfortably. it's odd, because i can barely talk to her on the phone. in person? heck yeah, i can read her body language and respond appropriately. any other method of communication, and i'm totally confused. but when i saw i had a text from my supervisor, i was like, fuck yeah! it's nice to be accepted by real adults. and she kept the conversation going! it was exhilarating.

i know what i feel like. i was on the train and i had this thought. basically, if i was a person who was deathly allergic to almonds, and i ate chocolate, i'd be fantastically curious about hershey's milk chocolate with almonds. mainly, because the woman next to me at the time started choking on a piece of almond, coughed into a tissue, and then continued eating as if nothing had happened. i figured, if i was allergic to almonds, after seeing that, i'd want to try the damn thing anyway. i'd eat the fucking bar. or i'd try to. i'd probably end up dead by the third bite, but i'd eat the damn thing. and i figure that basically sums up my reaction to everything right now.

besides texting my supervisor, i seem to be developing a friendship with one of the outpatients, a wildly talented and highly dynamic giant of a man. he's like the big friendly giant. he might as well be. that would make me sophie, i suppose.whatever. i'm not actually sure if this is allowed, since i know we're not supposed to do that kind of thing with patients, but i guess anyone on the outside is fair game. never know until ya try, i suppose. i've also picked up talking to strangers. it's been working out well, actually. most people are so confused by my energy that they just play along. maybe. i don't know. one of my friends was standing near me for a few minutes, and then turned and said, i need to get away from you. i just can't with your energy right now. and you need to calm down. yeah. okay, thanks, i'll do that. and also, thanks for speaking up. because i really wanted your opinion.

whatever. i've been reading again. and writing music. and drinking tea. and babbling. mostly babbling. and i have a strange urge to clean my room. and it snowed out of nowhere today, and it made me so happy. i have this one teacher who always calls me bizarre, but in the most endearing way. as if she'd never met anyone like me. i really need to clean my room. and there are all these fucking ants everywhere, it's driving me nuts. but i'm really happy that i'm friends with the b.f.g. because he seems like such a wellspring of knowledge. and we honestly just brain-connected. as soon as we locked eyes, i started thinking i want to be your friend. and now we're friends. and we're gonna be great friends.

i've been listening to a lot of jazz, bossa nova, and swing lately. do you have any idea what fly me to the moon does to my neurons? frank sinatra makes my tail wag. i played pinball tonight. there were so many flashing colors and lights. and then on top of it, i was listening to all of this great music. fuck. ella fitzgerald? bobby darin? astrud gilberto? crank the volume. you know? i don't think i can sleep in this state. i hope i will though. luckily i don't have class until afternoon, so i can stay up all night. or something. i don't know.

all of that aside, i feel great. i want to open my window and howl into the night. or dance around until the sun rises. i want to do something. i want to find something amazing in a store that i don't usually go in. i want to go exploring. and i want to watch a movie. i want to play hide and seek.


i can feel it in my bones. i'm gonna have fun tomorrow.



Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ│͍͢⃝Ṣαᵯ ȽuРіῄ│❀✿ ⱴ⁄ said...

whoa whoa wait here you're happy - wait, let me use the word - EXUBERANT?
okay. wait. i understand that one on a spiritual level. today, i met this guy that was so cool.
i think that is debatable. even if you were allergic to almonds, it does depend on your level of allergy.
i get the "oh if it's forbidden it's wanted" sort of thing. when i was younger, i really wanted to try a cig, and i tried one a few years ago and figured it was nothing. it was stupid and i didn't fantasise about the forbidden afterwards (i.e. alcohol, pork products, weed, heroin, etc. things that are not allowed in my religion). no more fantasising about tattoo's anymore, or wearing bikini's (not cool). i'm more content with what i have sort of thing. i think i have come to conclusion where i know what i have to have and what i can't have and what i need to have. like in terms of diet as well. i'd love to cut out all dairy (i just figured out i'm lactose intolerant) but there's no way i'm going to do that with chocolate (which is okay since chocolate doesn't give me as bad of a reaction as yoghurt, ice-cream, etc). i figure with these kinds of things i just don't like the thought of doing it half-assed. i like the thought of being able to eliminate it all.
however, lacto-free chocolate is fucking expensive and i'm not eating no dark chocolate.
you're so fucking cute. i love you.

-Sam Lupin

Jax said...

Okay, we are on the exact same wave length right now. Seriously, I could have written this post almost exactly. I have had so much energy this week, it's amazing. I talk to everyone, especially strangers. I'm just so happy that everyone wants to be around me lately. It's so nice. But its scares me, too. I'm afraid of the crash.
Look up Parov Stelar. He does "electric swing" which is basically big band music with modern beats, it's amazing. I was obsessed over winter break.
I've also been in a huge cleaning mood. Yesterday I mopped the kitchen, reorganized the living room, fixed the wireless internet, changed some lightbulbs, and glued a chair back together. Very productive, but I honestly just needed to get rid of some of this manic energy. Are you ever afraid of being too happy?
BFG sounds like a really nice guy. I think rules be damned, you should go after what makes you happy and excited.
Thanks for all the support and encouragement, Happy April!
xx Jax

a friend of ana said...

i love that you are so happy!! and one of my old blogger friends is still on! yay! (thats you by the way haha)
anyways.... yay for happiness!!! i am loving life now too!!
stay happy!! <3

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