organized / chaos

i have to be really organized at times like this, when i'm super distract-able and find it hard to focus on one thing for two long. i tried typing five posts over the past few weeks, and none of them were ever finished. just drafts. if i finish this one, thank fuck because i won't ever really be sure how i did it.

the more chaotic my mind becomes, the easier it is to seem like i'm holding everything together, it seems. as long as i stay organized.

so i really can't understand why i decided to clean my room. and i don't mean shiatsu massage styled cleaning which is nice but isn't anything too intense, i mean a deep tissue massage kind of cleaning that gets into cracks and crevices i long forgot existed. i put my books back on the shelf; they were on the floor by my bed before, within reach. when i had time to read, this was perfect but now that i stumble into my house half asleep, tripping over my old friends feels more sacrilegious than anything else.  now they sit across from my bed, spines facing me. they're very lovely, all lined up like this. sadly, i barely put twenty percent of the books on my floor on the shelf. the rest are still on the floor.

then there's the books i decided to put in my closet. books i don't and probably won't read. books that if i really needed to read, i'd go get them. books that are taking up more space than i have. they're stacked up neatly though, alongside the boxes piled high full of my clothes. one box has clean shirts under sweaters under pants under wear-- under underwear, that is-- under a pillow that i switched with another pillow because it wasn't fluffy enough and turned my cloud nine dream-lands into dusty martian landscapes. (not that anything's wrong with mars, but i'm more in need of a few unicorns, fairies, and elves at the moment.) my guitar is leaning nearby, on the chair covered in papers that have no place in this room. and that's only a small portion of my floor.

my bed is clean, at least. warm, fuzzy, and cozy. just the way i like it. i know i have to clean before tuesday, because that's when i kidnap my boyfriend. tuesday or thursday mornings. then i bring him over and we sleep beside each other, wake up reasonably  happy in comparison to mondays, and then play video games until he has to go to work. but i can't have him coming over with my room like this. so... oh well. he'll live.

it's funny, to him. really. he finds my need for organization amusing. baby, no offense,  but i don't get people like you. i just stay relaxed. if i have to do something, i'll remember, and if i don't-- oh well. i'm not sure if he's just overly complacent, though. his memory is so bad that he really should be more organized. but that doesn't matter.

i think i'm really good at holding things together outside of my room but on the inside, it's all whirlygigs, whizzpoppers, bells and whistles. i'm not worried that anyone will figure that out, though, or see what's really going on.

i always keep my door locked.

honestly.

what can we do with it, this Humanity? nothing.

2013.

october twenty fourth, twenty-thirteen. that's when banana told me she was taking a leave of absence. it was my dad's birthday and i was already pretty much in the dumps. but i smiled. that's okay, i told her. you'll be back. i went through something not unlike a mental breakdown, where i started crying in class and actually told my classmates and teacher how much i missed her. being worried about your friends is stressful as heck but sure enough, just like she said, she was back. and we fell right back into our old routine, whispering too loudly in class, laughing at all the stupid things people wasted their time with. they don't care about what's really important, she said, rolling her eyes. whatever. we just gotta get through this. i can't even count how many days i've watched her flip her long brown hair defiantly over one shoulder before going to her car. every step said screw this school, i'm over it.

2015.

february twenty first, twenty-fifteen. the day of my birthday, i get an email from my teacher. see, banana and i were class partners. so my teacher felt obligated to tell me that she's withdrawn from the program. i already knew, long before the email. but it really sucked to be told that. i've been defending her violently in class. whenever people say, soo... where is she? haha, she's probably not coming back. i'd tell them they were being completely rude and end all conversation on the topic. i would do that for anyone who was being traduced but even more so, when it's one of my close friends, i get that much more upset. like clockwork, the school counselor sends out an email for a workshop on emotional stability. which i'm obviously not going to because no one who's actually on the edge of emotional instability is foolish enough to walk into one of those things. at least not on campus.

so here i am now, unable to sleep. i have this class tomorrow and i don't want to go. at the same time, i have to go because i need to keep my life at this pace or it'll fall apart again. also, almost equally, i'm really starting to realize how incapable i am of functioning around people for extended periods of time, so i've been slowly withdrawing from my social circles while simultaneously being more active in them (so as not to raise suspicion).

i don't know how it's working but it is.

the good news is i've been doing all my homework. the bad news is that my brain is starting to do its own thing again. i haven't had caffeine in... two months. and i've got about eighteen cans of red bull nearby. i'll probably need it for tomorrow... but anyway, more good news... um, one of my best friends is getting counseling for his depression, yay! he's being proactive about his marriage, which is good. the bad news is, my therapist absolutely sucks and talks for 50/60 mins of our session about NOTHING. the good news is, i've managed to avoid seeing him for about three weeks now. so i'm going to see how long i can keep this up before i can quit. and just to end on a happy note, puck asked if i'll accept a hug tomorrow as a birthday present. WAIT.

okay, random story.

last week, he saw a girl that he thought was me. she had a tattoo of a cross on the back of her neck but everything else seemed similar to him. (i have no tattoos.) so instead of saying hi or something else normal people do, he ran his finger down her tattoo. of course, she spun around and was like, "......." at which point, he asked her to print his homework. she did. naturally. (i mean, creepy or not, the guy is gorgeous.) so he told me this story when he saw me later that day and guess who passed by? the girl. even though he wasn't wearing his glasses (a valid excuse), we look nothing alike, she and i. puck, right? he's super weird and yet he's pretty cool.

so here's me, running back and forth between feeling horrible about abandoning most of my friends and feeling great about the fact that such a lovely boy is friends with me. two different kinds of hell, but hell all the same.

honestly.

i wish i was a toaster.

if i honestly had the ability to put food inside me and then painlessly eject it, i'd be the happiest person on earth.

i had fun yesterday. it was nice, hanging out with jitterbug. (i actually called her that accidentally. now it's stuck. oops!) we talked about a lot of stuff at the park while we sat on  the swings and sat on the grass.we watched duck and geese and a solitary crow. we laughed about clingy friends. we made silly faces. we talked about tattoos, parents and necessary rebellion. (to resist is our duty when injustice is law. ya know.) turns out we have more in common than i would have guessed. then it started getting colder, so she said we should go get something to eat. i let her pick, because when someone asks what you want to eat, you can't really say nothing. "i don't know" is more acceptable. we took pictures in a photo booth. i'd never done that before. they came out pretty well. it was also the first time i ever really hung out with someone on a saturday. so that was cool. we only ate a little bit. (though a little is still more than i'd wanted.) it was like, two hundred and ninety calories of take out. so all in all, not bad. two thumbs up, for time well spent.

i decided to fast today, sometime between eating the lo mein and getting home. i'm doing so well too. i haven't eaten yet. and wouldn't you know it, my mother went to get groceries. but get this-- she got baby food for me.

holy shit.

i was everything but interested when she said she got groceries. but i was shocked into coming downstairs when she said, "i got some baby food." weird. but i'm still not eating.

i'm down to one hundred and twenty two pounds now; there's no way i'm screwing this up. my collarbones are really starting to show. and it isn't just like, oh yeah, i see them moving under the surface of my skin. they're actually sticking out. it's lovely.

i've got books piled up to keep myself busy for more than a few days. i'm watching gossip girl, which isn't as bad as i expected (especially since all of these girls have their collarbones so far out you could see 'em from space) and i've got five years worth of episodes to watch. that should be fun. plus i've got homework to make up. when that's done, i'll start making a scarf for sticks, although i may not actually give it to her. i've got enough gum to keep my breath fresh for a while too.

now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to do some crunches and look for more books in my house.

oh, and happy easter. i like this holiday. you don't see live ducks in holidays too often. (come on, we all know rabbits don't lay eggs. ducks do.) so, yay for ducks. and rabbits too, i suppose... but if you see a rabbit lay a "chocolate egg", i strongly suggest you leave it where it is.

honestly.