the danger must be growing/ for the rowers keep on rowing/ and they're certainly not showing/ any signs that they are slowing

i have issues that i need to deal with. i don't think i even have them prioritized. it's time to get organized.

issue # 1: i can't sleep.

i've had a total of maybe... seven hours of sleep in the past four days. (not including last night, because i haven't even napped yet.) the good news is that i've been getting more done recently than i have for the entire summer. the bad news is that my muscles are starting to ache. i guess that's what happens when you push your body and it doesn't get a chance to recover. i know the solution to this seems simple enough: i need to sleep. it's staying asleep that's the problem. my brain is overactive. too many things are for supremacy inside my skull.

issue # 2: i miss waterbear. i miss odette.  i miss banana.

with the exception of banana, who finally spoke to me last week, i haven't heard from my other two companions. i don't have many female friends i actually enjoy spending time with. (as opposed to simply being able to spend time with them.) these three are definitely at the top of the list. i'll definitely hang out with banana, but since odette has moved and i don't know how to get to waterbear's home, i'll just have to wait this one out. or hunt them down. but i don't like missing people, because what if they don't miss you? i'm not sure i want to find out the answer to that.

issue # 3: i can't stop cleaning.

doesn't sound like a problem, maybe, but it is. the rest of the household (with the exception of the cat) is becoming lazy, leaving things laying around and piling garbage up, because they know i'll clean it. i don't want to clean up after them, but i don't want to become too irritated. i was babbling on sunday to my mother, words pouring out of my mouth rapidly. too fast for her to understand, i could see that on her face. i took a deep breath then, growled from behind clenched teeth. spoke as slowly as i could. why is it so hard for you guys to clean up after yourselves?! i keep cleaning and the house just gets messier faster! keep it clean! even if they did clean after themselves, i'd still find something to clean. i'm sure of it.

issue # 4: i think i love someone who loves me.

that's supposed to be good, but this someone is absolutely perfect. if i look into his eyes too long, my eye starts twitching. he listens to me complain about stupid things. like when the lack of adhesive on sticky notes causes them to peel off and fall without you noticing. he's such a sweetheart. he makes me a dangerous level of happy. if he was even the slightest bit unattractive, or an asshole from time to time, i'd feel a lot better. but he's neither of those, not even close. he invades my soul. i don't understand why someone like him would like me, which i've told him. many times. even though he doesn't believe in 'leagues', i know under normal circumstances he'd be way out of mine, but we've been friends long enough for it to be semi-irrelevant. it still messes with my mind, though. it makes me want to either get as close to perfect as i can-- which, let's face it, won't end well-- or protect myself by shutting down emotionally.

except for issue # 2 (hahaha, # 2), they're connected. the happier this guy makes me, the more energy i seem to have. the more energy i have, the less i sleep. the less i sleep, the more i clean. the more i clean, the less i want to clean, so i talk to this guy instead. but the more i talk to him, the happier i become. and i've tried other distractions, like crocheting flowers and hats, or reading books, but those have time limits. you start crocheting or reading a book, eventually you finish. our conversations only end when he falls asleep. i'll give him a nickname eventually, so i can stop calling him 'this guy', and you can become emotionally attached to him too.

i don't know what to do about any of these. i'm stumped. i'm sure if my brain could focus long enough, i could figure something out, but it isn't.

*cough* ........... *cough*

.... could use a bit of help here, guys. (please.) feels like my mind and body are going to disconnect soon. last time that happened, i almost ended up in a psych ward. i don't want that to happen. i don't think i could take all of my books with me.



Ashley Nichole said...

I am so glad you prioritized. I know that is something I should do but can't even begin because I don't know where I should begin.

Love is also so hard. I rekindled a past love, just to be hurt again by love and then the pain of rejection. He just doesn't love me the way I love him, and can't trust in us. But how can I help that?

Try to get some sleep. If I knew how to do that, I would too. Last night I woke up at 4am and stayed awake for two whole hours, and then didn't get up to 1pm. Now what kind of a day is that?

A fabulous one I tell you!

Keep strong and follow what you know is true and that you should do.

Ashley Nichole said...


Ashley Nichole said...

I was a Psychology major in undergrad and am so used to reading studies that I do it out of habit now.

I've read a lot of different studies that suggest Nyquil and ZZZquil can irritate and increase depression in people who are either susceptible to depression or are already depressed.

That is why I stopped taking the stuff to help me go to sleep, because I honestly don't need any help feeling sad!

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

I liked banana. she was an idiot :3
why are you cleaning
come clean my butthole
yes that's a sexual invitation
you women always looking after your men. i'm the perfect man for you.
but fuck omg when sticky notes do that it's just fuck
awwwwwwwwwwwwww i'm laughing because the books are the first thing on your mind omg bby

-Sam Lupin

Ashley Nichole said...

Awe, thanks for your comment. Right now I'm treating my anxiety with some mood stabilizers and an off-brand, nonaddicting form of Xanax lol!

The lady in the picture is myself, I actually thought it was a horrible picture, but decided to post it anyways [my boyfriend, now ex took it while we were waiting in line for the movies and I decided that I was done standing]. I personally liked the one where I was in a pink dress.

And the lady in the "roots" video is also me. I made that one night about a year ago and it seems that people actually like it, which I wouldn't have suspected in the least.

<3 <3 <3

Ashley Nichole said...


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