madness carves its own reality.

my mind is all over the place again, so bear with me.

i'm really pissed off because i gained three pounds instead of losing three pounds. but i'm slightly happy because i think i've gone down a size in jeans. it's not good enough, though. yesterday i was at rite aid with jitterbug and we passed by a magazine with these stars on the cover and their ribs were showing and their hipbones were sticking out. and she said, "ew," and that's when i kind of realized that my reaction to that wasn't normal. whatever the hell normal is. i wouldn't know. my energy level has been pretty high lately but fortunately, people who are unfortunate enough to be around me all day have learned to tolerate it. more or less.

you know what's really fucked up? my friend told me she's afraid she might be pregnant and the first thing i thought was, "you're probably gonna gain quite a bit of weight there." obviously, i had enough decency to not say that. but seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?

i broke the mirror in my bedroom because i hate seeing my reflection if it's more than just my head. technically, though, it's the mirror in my sister's room and she'll probably threaten to stab me in the throat when she sees it. and i've been smoking a lot. i bought a pack of cigarettes and left them at odette's house. she probably smoked 'em all by now. hopefully? hopefully not? i don't know.

i was really happy the other day because i saw a duck shaped pez dispenser-- and i love pez and i love ducks, so it was pretty perfect, you know? so i bought it, and then i saw a pack of ninety laxatives. actually, i think these were two different days. yeah. the laxatives were last week. (i'm fairly certain they're addictive.) then i was really pissed because i don't want laxatives. so the other day (which wasn't any of the other days previously mentioned and was possibly just two days ago), i bought diet pills. and they were supposed to be here by today (the earliest) and the latest they'll get here is friday. but they haven't even shipped yet. bastards.

i've been super irritated too. i had a huge argument with my mom (not too long before i broke my mirror) and i'm pretty sure i told my sister to go fuck herself yesterday after she poked me in the ribs really hard. and every time my best friend mentions his girlfriend, i have an urge to throw my phone out of a window. but i kind of like my phone.

i keep having these weird lucid nightmares that are making it a little hard to sleep. the worst one was basically where i had to take all these splinters out of my leg, but they were pencils and screws and pens and metal bars. and i could feel everything and smell the blood and it was horrible. and i hope they go away, because i have a recital in a few weeks and i need rest (as much as an insomniac could possibly get) so my voice doesn't go away.

the other day, it was really lovely when one of my teachers said he thought i weighed like, one hundred pounds. and that no matter how much higher above that number i went, he'd still weigh at least two times whatever i did. that made me feel better. for about ten minutes. then peter kept distracting me during the lesson. YES, I HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND. in fact, i have a couple. and he's my favorite. except for when he's rambling about stupid stuff while i'm trying to concentrate. which sucks. and i know he's imaginary because no one else sees him. aside from the moments when he's talking about retarded things, he's good company.

last night. i saw the most beautiful thing ever. i was standing by a staircase and these two girls were climbing up the stairs and being really snobby and obnoxious while i was talking to my two buddies. then one of 'em tripped because i guess she missed the stair or something and-- i didn't mean to, honest-- then i started laughing so hard. i couldn't hold it in. it was like... "pffffffffffft, BAHAHAHAHAHAHA" (if you can imagine that) for about three minutes. and when they came back downstairs, i had to run away for a bit because i kept laughing.

and i'm totallly gonna watch team america: world police today. or girl, interrupted. which are in no way similar, but are both really good movies.i think those are all the thoughts i can actually make sense of right now. so i'm going to go clean. and do homework, since the semester's almost done. and ad lib from there.

sometimes, i almost wish i was normal. almost.

honestly.

it's more common than you think.

despite warnings that being social is highly overrated, i went to odette's house. it's really freaking adorable. we talked for like, four hours. about a lot. then i went home and wandered around in a desperate attempt to stay away from home as long as possible. and when i finally got home, she called to make sure i was okay, because it had been like two hours. 

she played the guitar and sang for me. which was super cool, because apparently she can't do that for many people. (it took a year for her to be able to do that with her boyfriend. jinkies.) she was telling me about how she has a lot of disorders. i lost track at one point, so you can only imagine. then she told me-- and i swear, this was out of the blue-- about how she tries to gain weight but she just can't. use your imagination. and then she confided in me that she had an eating disorder (which was right about the time i started talking a LOT less) and about how only her boyfriend and i really knew about that. (and her family, i'd assume.) she said it was since she was seven. oh no wait, this wasn't out of the blue. she asked me if i wanted something to eat and i said i wasn't really hungry. that's right. then she said, "i knew you were just like me." (seems like it. i feel she's like an older, prettier version of me.) and then she told me all that stuff. 

her: it's great because it's like you're in a great mood one day, so you decide to eat a bunch of crap. then suddenly you're depressed and you--

me: -- hate yourself for eating all that shit? yeah, i know.

her: and then after that you stop eating for like six--

me: --days.

her: --months.

me: oh. 

her: yeah, pretty much.

just for the record, i don't think she meant she actually stops eating for six months straight, i think that's just the amount of time until she had one of her mega-binges again. she told me, with a knowing expression on her face, that it was more common than i thought. i looked at her, thinking, you have no idea. moving along, though, she told me i can come over whenever i want, which is great. i feel like i can talk to her. but not too much. just for my own sake. although, she probably wouldn't care, really. 

and then we went looking for sneakers (for me) online. i wear sneakers until they're barely pieces of cloth covering my feet. come to think of it, i shouldn't have shown her that site. but she probably won't buy anything. ( i hope.) putting the whole "i have an eating disorder" thing aside, something really good i found out about her was that she likes nico. i freaking love nico. (velvet underground was my soundtrack for quite some time.)

i wouldn't say i'm glad she had an eating disorder, because that's all sorts of levels of fucked up that i'm just not ready to go to. but i suppose in a way, i am glad, because now i have someone to talk to. about literally anything.

....except sticks, who by a random twist of fate is her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.

but who wants to talk about love anyway?

honestly.

i wish i was a toaster.

if i honestly had the ability to put food inside me and then painlessly eject it, i'd be the happiest person on earth.

i had fun yesterday. it was nice, hanging out with jitterbug. (i actually called her that accidentally. now it's stuck. oops!) we talked about a lot of stuff at the park while we sat on  the swings and sat on the grass.we watched duck and geese and a solitary crow. we laughed about clingy friends. we made silly faces. we talked about tattoos, parents and necessary rebellion. (to resist is our duty when injustice is law. ya know.) turns out we have more in common than i would have guessed. then it started getting colder, so she said we should go get something to eat. i let her pick, because when someone asks what you want to eat, you can't really say nothing. "i don't know" is more acceptable. we took pictures in a photo booth. i'd never done that before. they came out pretty well. it was also the first time i ever really hung out with someone on a saturday. so that was cool. we only ate a little bit. (though a little is still more than i'd wanted.) it was like, two hundred and ninety calories of take out. so all in all, not bad. two thumbs up, for time well spent.

i decided to fast today, sometime between eating the lo mein and getting home. i'm doing so well too. i haven't eaten yet. and wouldn't you know it, my mother went to get groceries. but get this-- she got baby food for me.

holy shit.

i was everything but interested when she said she got groceries. but i was shocked into coming downstairs when she said, "i got some baby food." weird. but i'm still not eating.

i'm down to one hundred and twenty two pounds now; there's no way i'm screwing this up. my collarbones are really starting to show. and it isn't just like, oh yeah, i see them moving under the surface of my skin. they're actually sticking out. it's lovely.

i've got books piled up to keep myself busy for more than a few days. i'm watching gossip girl, which isn't as bad as i expected (especially since all of these girls have their collarbones so far out you could see 'em from space) and i've got five years worth of episodes to watch. that should be fun. plus i've got homework to make up. when that's done, i'll start making a scarf for sticks, although i may not actually give it to her. i've got enough gum to keep my breath fresh for a while too.

now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to do some crunches and look for more books in my house.

oh, and happy easter. i like this holiday. you don't see live ducks in holidays too often. (come on, we all know rabbits don't lay eggs. ducks do.) so, yay for ducks. and rabbits too, i suppose... but if you see a rabbit lay a "chocolate egg", i strongly suggest you leave it where it is.

honestly.

smokes and diet cokes.

i was talking to this girl the other day. one of my teachers said she could pass for the lost sister of the olsen twins. (it's scary but true. the resemblance is uncanny.) anyway, she said wouldn't it be great if eating more made you skinny and not eating made you fat. at the time, i hadn't eaten and i thought it was a great idea. but then i realized, eating or not, that's still a lot of work.

i want need to liquid fast. making excuses to not eat is a lot better than making excuses to eat. and i miss the high i got from not eating. or waking up to find a bone sticking out somewhere. it's really twisted, but while i was talking to odette (the lovely swan-like creature), she mentioned that during the wilder phase of her life, she was doing coke and was around ninety three pounds. "and i'm one hundred and seventeen pounds right now, so you can imagine what i looked like," she had said. she is really skinny, honestly. like, abbey lee kershaw kind of skinny. but i wasn't thinking "wow, that's terrible," or "hmm, maybe i should take her advice," i was thinking, "cocaine, eh? haven't tried that yet." not gonna happen though, don't worry. i'm sticking to cigarettes for now. 

jitterbug and i are going to the park tomorrow to hang out and stuff. should be fun. i was starting to looking forward to it, even though weekends are usually my isolation days. then she said we could grab lunch or something. (i'm thinking or something. like a smoothie, hopefully.) so now, instead of going to sleep so my already fucked up metabolism doesn't go to shit anymore than it already has, i'm staying awake to find somewhere near this park that i'd be okay with going to for lunch. being social is more trouble than it's worth, it seems. odette was right. it's better to be antisocial at times.

if all goes well, i'll get away with not eating tomorrow. i guess i'll just take carry laxatives in my pocket. just in case.but hopefully i won't need them, you know?

honestly.

i take laxatives for shits and giggles.

this was one crazy week. i'm going to try to keep everything as concise as possible. shouldn't be too hard.

monday.


i've been avoiding going to church because when i go there i come home suicidal. which is obviously what's supposed to happen, right? (sarcasm. just so you know.) anywho, turns out my pastor wanted to come check up on me. i wasn't about to let that happen. so i stayed at school for a ridiculous amount of time. and told one of my friends-- uhmm, let's call her....jitterbug-- i was officially bi. and then i told her about sticks, at which point she got all excited and told me she was bi too. good times.

tuesday.


ran into sticks all over the place, then got hit with the mean reds in the worst way. i went mental, honestly. (more so than usual.) sometimes, if i feel overly anxious, i want to smoke. which isn't usually an issue. but all day on tuesday, it was. everywhere i went, people didn't believe i was old enough to buy cigarettes so they wouldn't sell any to me. bastards. and my advisor (who's also my teacher for one of those classes i didn't do a research paper for) told me she notices that sometimes i'm kind of spaced out and then sometimes i'm focused. and then i told her, i know, i'm working on it. which, i suppose, put her mind at ease. but not too long after that, i was really unhappy, irritated, pissed--i dunno what. so i was sitting outside, and sticks popped up and gave me her number because she was worried and said to call her and stuff. and i told banana-- technically, jitterbug did-- about my crush and she was like, "i knew that already." SHE DOES THAT A LOT. it annoys me. (well, you'll see.)

and banana and i went to the gym together. i loved it. the pirate girl flaked on me and we never worked out together. lamee.

wednesday. (or, i guess, yesterday.)


woke up feeling like absolute crap. felt like everyone was judging me. especially my teachers. so i was selectively mute for most of the day. talked only when i had to. didn't smile until much later when i was hanging out with banana under a staircase. we had a chat about suicide, which is a terrible conversation topic when you're feeling unhappy and anxious, but i'm not sure she picks up on emotional cues like most people. and she never takes her meds, because she's all about the all natural approach. that's terrible, of course, because now she's cutting way more than she should and yeah, i don't want her to, but i can't stop her, you know? like, she's got blood on her sleeves these days. she's always frustrated because she wants to go raw but she can't control herself and she thinks she's eating too much-- but i'm getting off topic. while we were talking about suicide, this girl passed by and told me to come with her.

so i have to actually explain this. (which means that this isn't going to be as short as i'd planned.) this girl is like, a swan. swans are a symbol of hypocrisy in some places, because they have white feathers but black flesh. so this girl, she seems to be really together at a standard glance, but she's got things she's dealing with. but even so, she's still amazing, you know? i mean, who gives a damn if a swan has black flesh under its white feathers? it's still gorgeous. so through a series of complex events, we realized that we're pretty similar. in terms of like, mental problems. okay, now back to the story.

so i got up and left with her and banana was like, where are you going? (as if she doesn't do that to me all the time.) and i said, i have to go with her. (her being the swan..... how about odette? swan lake references. so many nicknames.) and then odette asked me if i was okay. i lied, she saw through me. then we got to talking about stuff. like how my senses feel overstimulated from time to time. and how she wishes she had gotten help sooner, because her life was out of control. and we had a laugh about our spending sprees. we both just buy things that we don't have any space or need for, just because we feel like it. she said normal feels good. then she said, "lithium. valproate. pick one, take it. once you know what normal feels like, you'll love it. trust me." so i might take her advice. but that's a big might. then she told me if i didn't have any classes left, i should probably go home. i should've listened to her.

after that, i went to friendly's with jitterbug and her boyfriend and these other people. and one of the guys was talking about this girl at our school, and he said he'd love to see that girl fight jitterbug because that girl is like, ninety pounds and jitterbug is like, one hundred and five. and then he said it was cool that the other girl was ninety five pounds, but eighty five is better. it made me realize how weird that sounds in casual conversation. (he was joking, but i agreed in my mind.) so the whole "i'm vegan" thing worked for me. i had a drink, apple slices and then had some fries. i got to pass on like, half the menu. it was awesome. but the whole "ninety good, eighty five better" thing put me in a weird state. so i went to the store and bought a pack of laxatives and took four as soon as i left. and then i smoked three cigarettes on the way home, which didn't at all work the way it was supposed to. but whatever.

did that make sense? i think so.

oh yeah. while i was talking to odette, banana passed on her way to class and she saw odette taking her medication. and she looks at me and mouths. "what are you doing? you're taking pills aren't you." and i'm like, no. but then she goes, "yes you are, i see you." which is totally annoying. she always thinks she knows what's going on when she really doesn't. but i realized it's easier to let her think she's right than to argue with her.(that's how it is with most people.)

whew. on a random note, i've been doing my homework lately. (shocking, right?) and this girl (who has a bad habit of filling me in on the intimate details of her sex life) told me she noticed i was losing weight. to which i didn't respond naturally, because she also has a bad habit of talking about things that she shouldn't comment on at all. she was the one who talked about the bulimic girl who was in hospital she used to work at and she was ALSO the one who asked owl girl what size she wears. she also keeps mentioning that i weigh more than her. annoying at times, but i can tune her out. it's true though. my jeans are really baggy these days.

and i finally broke that freakin plateau i was on. i'm at one-twenty four now. (yay.) now i'm going to do my homework, then get my bike fixed. riding to school and back was some serious exercise. i can't wait to get down to eighty five. i'm hoping i can at least get to one hundred and seven by may seventeenth.

SO MUCH EXERCISE. (and so many gallons of water.)

okay, that's enough. i should go finish my homework. i don't want to have to take this class over.

honestly.