well... what are you supposed to feel?

i don't know if this is self-fulfilling prophecy or a a by-product of a lack of self-esteem, but once again i've proven to myself that i am indeed a failure. (guess who failed the only class necessary to continue with her internship. this girl. right here.) this is great. i don't know what's worse, that my teacher actually called me on the phone or that she said she was concerned about my apathy. apparently she's been talking with my site supervisor too.

although it makes no sense in a logical manner, i feel like i deserved this somehow. (hmm.)

this is my fault either way. i saw this coming. it started months ago, with the casual your personal reactions aren't personal enough comment from my teacher. you write like an observer. i can't picture you in the group. 

whatever. the point is that i'm a failure.

this is some kind of karmic justice. i went to the psych unit three times a week for the past few months, pretending i had my shit together and giving advice to other people. and now here i am. if i was on the edge of losing my mind before, i can't even tell you where i am now. i told a few people that if i didn't graduate this year i would probably kill myself. not to be dramatic or anything but that's a real option at the moment. although if my previous attempts have proven anything, it's just more confirmation that i'm a failure.

my teacher was on the phone with me and she basically said, i've been talking with the other professors and your site supervisor, and we all kind of get the feeling you're a little too fucked up to be in this program. like, you're not emotionally ready yet. here are your options: graduate next year, get a degree in basically nothing, or force us to do a shit-ton of extra work that still won't allow you to graduate this year but may let you graduate with this degree. okay, i said. i don't think, at the moment, you should go to your site tomorrow. okay, i said. why don't we talk again tomorrow? okay, i said. and then she ended with try to sleep well tonight. okay, i thought. i will. because i can rest easy knowing that i'm a failure at life.

currently, if i were to describe how i felt, it's apathy, i suppose. since i don't feel anything at the moment. we had a new patient the other day and i had to do her initial assessment. she said it's weird, most of the time, i'm just numb. like this wall. i don't feel anything. yeah. maybe i related a little too well with the patients. maybe i just have self-destructive tendencies. (actually, take the maybe out of that. i do.) i'm a little worried-- if that's an emotion/feeling then i guess i do feel something right now-- about what the fuck i'll tell my mother. she's probably going to kick me out.

this is such a fucking terrible roller-coaster and life is the shittiest amusement park ever.

can i be sad or angry or something, though? maybe i'm not emotionally ready to do anything. except run a razor across my arms. i hate my life.



Bella said...

Oh hun, I'm sorry. Please, please try to keep yourself safe. You are wonderful and I love you regardless of your grades. I'm here if you need to talk, okay?


Ashley Nichole said...

One thing though, you are not a failure!!!!

You can do this, and sometimes life takes different twists and turns. That isn't a bad thing though, and might lead to something good, or just different, and different isn't bad.

Good luck in this New Year. Show your teeth and get through it...

You are so strong and powerful!

LeeTiger28 said...

I am SO sorry that this week turned so shitty so quickly. Please try to stay well. I hope you had a much better New Years...
<3 Lee

Ashley Nichole said...

Still not a failure!!!

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