smell that? that's the remainder of my self-esteem going up in flames.

my brain is currently stuck on "you're a piece of shit" mode. which is when those annoying voices that pop up and don't shut up keep repeating, "you're a piece of shit." except, just to keep things interesting, they make sure to say all the different ways you're a piece of shit, so you don't get the feeling that maybe things aren't as bad as you think. they're very loyal, though. they may go off for a while, but they always come back. there's something oddly comforting about them...

last night, i went to a concert with some friends. imagine my pride when i realized i was the skinniest one. you know, at first. because when we got to the concert, there were (obviously) skinnier people there. but it was still a deceptively good start to an otherwise terrible evening. the music was wonderful, all of the different musicians were friendly, and then it all went to hell. turns out one of my (you'll have to forgive me for this) rounder companions was friends with this amazingly supercalifragilisticexpialidocious guy. a guy, might i add, that i would have really loved to talk to. but she's so goddamn supercilious that she kept calling the rest of us her 'posse'. yes, this is the same girl that wants to eat out every friday. but that's insignificant. i went along, because she needed a wingman/wingwoman/whatever, and i was available. I MADE MYSELF AVAILABLE. on a saturday night. and you know what?

i swear to god, she got more numbers than me. meaning, you know, i got none. and she got several.

and that was the blow to my self-image that i (apparently) needed before spring break even fully started.

there's a little part of me that's saying, "it's not such a big deal. you've had worse things happen to you." and then there's this bigger little part of me saying, "even if you were skinnier, you'd still be an unattractive sack of shit, so why bother doing anything, like talking to people and being social. you're pathetic." and because that bigger part of me is much louder, it wins. so i'll be spending this spring break indoors. except for like two days that i promised some people i'd see them. i could cancel, but that wouldn't be right.

i wouldn't care as much if she was skinnier than me. because then i could easily pin it on that, you know? but it's the fact that she isn't that's throwing my mind into a shitstorm of unparalleled proportions. and so i bid a fond farewell to my self-esteem for the time being. maybe something will happen that'll make me feel better, like i'll lose twenty pounds, or win a month's worth of free kickboxing lessons. but i doubt it.

and to top it all off, i'm really bad at being bitchy. or i should say acting bitchy. because now i'll probably spend the rest of the night talking to her about the guys she's talking to that i'm obviously not talking to, because i'll be talking to her talking about them. instead of talking to her about them.

what makes me really pissed off is that i couldn't actually tell this to any of my friends because they'd only say things like, "but you're smart" or "you're really talented" or "you're terribly funny" but what the fuck does that have to do with anything? i don't even have my ipod to lay in bed with, because it's been lost for a while now. damn thing is so small, i don't even know where it could be.

on the bright side, when we went out to eat after the concert, i didn't eat anything. and i have camus, bukowski, burgess and bradbury to read all week. and i can listen to the smiths and joy division, so at least i won't be bored while i'm hating myself.

these little things are the only reason i'm not curled up under my bed, crying about my miserable existence. but it probably won't last.



Rowan said...

Ah, the voices... the unreasonable voices that tell us we're shit. I can be of little help; I have yet to effectively tell mine to shut it.


Belle Svelte said...

You need to stop, like right now. Confidence is absolutely the key in all situations, especially with guys. A guy likes a girl who is comfortable with herself and the skin she is in. A guy loves a girl who is not only confident, but knows herself so well that she does not have to prove to anyone how great she is. Once you accept yourself wholeheartedly and love yourself, you'll find that guys or no guys, you are perfect as you are.

And you are perfect just the way you are. If you feel like you could be fitter, eat healthy and go the gym.

But seriously, this round girl is either jealous of your thinness and wants to prove that she is better than you by using you as her wingwoman and showing off the numbers she is getting...or...she senses your insecurity and is using it to make herself feel better, increase her personal power (that she took from you) and that is what is giving her confidence to collect all those numbers.

Or those guys thought you were hot and wanted to get closer to you by getting closer to her and so gave her attention.

Pick anyone of those you think fits your situation, but in all cases, unless you have a boyfriend, you are never the wing woman, you are the star. Always are, always will be. Never give away your personal power, because it is yours. Whoever this girl is, let her eat her cake on Friday nights and leave her to the boys. You just go out, have fun, enjoy your youth and know that you are awesome regardless of if you are 5-10 lbs above or below. Seriously.

Your youth passes by quickly. Take it from someone who never enjoyed going out because I thought I looked awful for not being skinny like everyone else. It's all in confidence. Positive thoughts = healthier lifestyle = natural, gradual thinning.

Be happy my friend. Figure out what makes you happy. Then own your life, own your confidence, and once this happens, those boys will be begging for your attention.

Trust me. It's all in confidence. It's all in the attitude.

That's it! Good luck!


sarah.alexis said...

Those voices that tell us we are shit are horrible and so hard to ignore but you are doing great my looking at some of the positives. You can fight those voices and I bet soon you will be racking up your own phone numbers.
All the love <3

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

the post title describes my life
i love you as your hatred of your mother is the closest thing to someone explaining the hatred of my mother
you are not a piece of shit
you are human and better than everyone else
skinny missinsanity yay c;
because men know you're out of their league besides fuck men (not literally but you can take it to a literal sense when it comes to me c;)
ill spend the rest of my life indoors
do not cry you are an angelic cupcake that is cute and adorable and needs fluffy blankets wrapped around her and kept safe from the peril of mothers and we can listen to whatever you want and you can watch me eat because
- Sam Lupin

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

PS this is a horrible joke to make but i have to do it: the remainder of your self esteem? nope, the only thing i smell is teen spirit xo

Ashley Nichole said...

Awe, I'm giving your self-esteem a boost right now! You're wonderful and keep being strong, even through disappointments. You never know, maybe your friend needed the numbers for her self-esteem more and that's why she got them.

It's like if someone steels something from me, I always try to say, "They needed it more!" Maybe she needed them more and you are just so wonderful that you didn't!

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