i closed my eyes; i held my breath.

my mother's not feeling well today.

i found out earlier this morning when i was creeping downstairs on my way to the treadmill. i made her some tea, and a boiled egg. i messed up with the first egg, because it's been so long since i've made it, i wasn't sure when it would be ready. but she got breakfast in bed today. (i wasn't smiling, but she got it.) somehow, being nice to her drains me of the energy to do other things. i don't know why. regardless, i've been trying to be friendlier with her. we're not close, don't jump to conclusions, but i took some time and really thought about it, and i might as well. my sister's enough of a bitch for her. it's probably just a twenty-four hour bug. at least i hope so.

my mother's mother died giving birth to her, and her father was a deadbeat alcoholic. she only met him twice, as far as i know. so she grew up with her aunt, who had several children to take care of already. i honestly don't think she knows how to be a mother. plus, i'm a first generation american, and she definitely has some deluded notion that if i follow her life plan for me, i'll end up rich. or whatever it is that typical americans end up with/as. anyway, i'm gonna cut her some slack.

although we're not close (i don't think i can talk to her about anything) and she basically turns a blind eye to anything as long as i do well in school, she does let me stay here. she buys me things if i ask for them and doesn't force me to see a psychiatrist, no matter how often i seem to lose my mind. and she bought me this ipod. and my new thirty-two ounce water bottle. so i am grateful for that.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i don't completely dislike her. once or twice a year, she's actually pretty tolerable. i was thinking before that when i got a job over the summer, i'd finally be able to buy all the supplies i needed (for whatever it is i do in my free time). now that i think about it, i might try to help pay for things, like toilet paper and groceries, and save the rest of my money to help pay for a bill or two. my sister spends her money on take-out and her friends, and since my dad died, we've technically had less than half of the income we used to. it would really suck if we lost our house. so i'm not really doing it for her. it's more like i'm doing what needs to be done. 

maybe i'm getting mature.



ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

awwwwwwwwww you're a sweetie to your Mother
it was my Mother's birthday :P
'being nice to her drains me of energy to do other things' omg yes exactly how i feel about R
awwwwwwwww you're a sweetie aren't you
omg you're American?! i never noticed.
people actually put water in water bottles? horrible.
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww im dying of fluff its just so cute and sweet
this was a nice post
-Sam Lupin

Rowan said...

I struggle with my mother, as well... so it goes. It sounds like you're taking a mature stance in this. I wish your mother (and you) well. xxx

Skylar Norwall said...

i think that having difficulties with the maternal figure in your life is a very common thing. it can get frustrating, but congratulations on being so mature about the situation. i'm quite proud of you for that. c:
i hope your mother gets better soon, dear.

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