typical me.

i've been dealing with a lot of stuff lately. or maybe i haven't. i don't know.

it seems like some of the people i allow myself to spend time with keep trying to figure me out. so when they get too close, i back off until they're done being curious. the other people i allow myself to spend time with turned out to be the worst of humanity, and threw me into a fear-induced state of sobriety. for the record, if you're ever at a small party and someone gets really drunk and makes a fool out of themselves, be nice. play along. if they blackout, let them forget and live their lives in peace. don't repeat the story and laugh about it. because if that person is anything like me (or in this case, if that person IS me), they'll laugh along and then hate themselves just a little bit more anytime they see you. the end result is either being so low on self-esteem they can't even pretend they believe in it anymore, or a sharp increase in social anxiety that turns that person into a hermit. or if they're really lucky, both.

maybe i'm too nice. there's that stupid saying, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. who the hell wants to catch flies? flies are disgusting. i always think to myself, maybe if i told people what i was really thinking, they'd understand me. but i don't think i'd like that. and neither would they.

none of that really matters.

i'm sure you'd like some good news.

i'm thisclose to getting my license. as soon as i had my permit, my mother took me to an empty parking lot and let me drive around. i may have been a little too experienced for her liking. maybe i was just driving too fast. you want know why i want my license? i want to be able to go to forests and go hiking, and just wander around for hours and hours in nature. without other people. i'm learning to appreciate solitude more and more. and upbeat tunes. and books.

somehow, my book list has once again swelled to demonic proportions. (that's the good news. not the license, the books. only the books matter.)

waterbear is probably spending time with saner people. i can only assume, since we haven't spoken since school ended. banana isn't talking to me, ever since her tongue-twisted fan girl made it clear that she can't have both of us in the same space at the same time. better to have the person around who worships the ground you walk on, right? yoshi is talking to me, but since we're both socially and emotionally retarded, it'll be another month at least until we hang out. if i even leave my house in that space of time. there are other people i could be around, but i'd rather not see them unless i have to.

i made the mistake of doing homework this past semester and getting good grades. therefore, i have successfully raised the expectations of those around me and unfortunately must either meet those (at the risk of the remains of my sanity), or choose to ignore them completely (at the risk of my already endangered self-esteem).

all in all, normal happenings in my life. people come, people go. people think you're an impossibly good person, people think you're a complete fool. i assumed an update of sorts would be proper, since i can't just keep vanishing for months at a time and saying, "hahaha, it's been a while <3". i could, but it's just not right. as far as updates go, my life isn't worth being updated on at the moment. in fact, it's not really worth anything right now. i'm basically in limbo. like that second between when you realize you have to sneeze, and the sneeze itself. it's just empty space. nothing's happening.

it's really quite dull.



Ashley Nichole said...

I love your life story. Getting your license is so super exciting because you will finally have freedom. I just lost my license because of a DUI and have been in a complete depression because I lost all of my freedom all for one night.

Good job on your grades as well, that is super exciting, and even if you can't match them next semester that is okay!

Thanks for the comment on my page. I always feel like I'm losing my mind and that picture reflects my lack of sanity! Much love.

Jax said...

I missed you so much. Seeing your blog pop up again on my reader made me smile. I'm sad you don't feel anything lively happening in your life, but at least nothing tragic is happening either. Remember I'm always cheering for you from all the way across the chasm of the internet.
all my love and support,

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

awwwwww well heres the better thing to do: don't socialise. stay at home. watch reruns of Glee and cry about your ship. wait that's me
awwwwwwwww theres nothing upbeat about your tunes love also omg solitary confinement is the best ok
the books always matter. *holds missinsanity by the waist* you should read mine *____________* when im done with it :P which is never
missinsanity! sometimes it's good to study *fixes glasses* damn it is good to study.
awwwwwwwwwwwww but but but but i want to listen to you sneeze ok

-Sam Lupin

Rowan said...

As always, it's good to get an update. I do wish you could be happier, though. We've all been robbed of the capacity to like ourselves, which makes interactions with others difficult to enjoy. But I think I'd enjoy having you as a friend. xx

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