can i choose again if i should lose the reason?

every time i listen to fairest of the seasons, i find myself wishing i could just sit down and talk to nico.

i wonder how many times i can reject something before i can't accept it anymore. i wonder if all the not-so-bad people i shy away from will continue to linger on the edges of my existence, or if they'll decide i'm not worth waiting for and leave. i wonder, if i continue telling my best friend that i'm not as good of a person as he thinks i am, if he'll believe it one day. i wonder if i really continue to isolate myself, if i'll be able to remember how to socialize. i wonder if the line between my dreams and reality will continue to fade and if i'll ever be able to tell the two apart.

i wonder how much i have to allow myself before i can honestly say i don't want something.

it's weird that this song makes me think of all that. i'm pretty sure it's about deciding to leave a relationship while it's still good, before it has a chance to turn sour. that's probably what nico would say to all that. she'd say, "what does any of that have to do with my song?"

and i'd say, "nothing, really."



ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

when you said Nico, my mind immediately flashed to Percy Jackson i royally suck ass now
fuck. some songs you'd probably get all philosophy on and then in the end, it's just about a goat in a barn. fucks sake.
and Nicos a chick?
my life has changed dramatically.

-Sam Lupin

Jax said...

Sometimes people listen to a song and attach all this meaning to it that it probably never was supposed to carry. But you can't help it, it feels so obvious.

I do that with book characters, too. I fit myself so tightly into their story that sometimes its hard to climb out when the book is finished. This spring I had a crisis of reliance on my future plans and actually wrote a letter to the publisher asking them to please forward it to the character, I needed her help as soon as possible. But as you'd expect, the character never wrote me back. Instead I got a letter from the author's assistant who told me I should "talk to an adult I trust."

I hate it when people older than you say something like that, even if it makes sense. It just feels like their shirking responsibility to take care of the messed up kid standing in front of them, threatening to remind them of the scared kid hiding inside themselves.

I think you can be yourself, but perhaps try to accept a few invitations. Because you're right, patience is not endless. But if you truly don't want to be included in certain social circles, then why would it matter if the invitations stop arriving? Sure it feels good to be acknowledged and included, but then you have the time and emotional energy to invest in a group of people who inspire you to participate for real.
Sorry. Not tryna preach. Just saying what I tell myself all the time (I just wish I could listen to myself.)

best of luck.

Rayya said...

Hey :) missed you!
A good friend said 'if you keep telling him you're nothing, even if he doesn't believe it now Theres a chance he will start believing it soon!' And honestly past all the depression and isolation that depression craves to thrive, do we really want them to see nothing or perhaps see something where we see nothing..

Sorry for that.. But hey you're a star and you need to realise it (I know you won't even if I scream it at you, chop off my limb and send it to you in protest Van Gogh style..)

But humour me, perhaps try to pretend to believe it ?

Love you majorly oh and big hugs! Xx

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