the invisible noose of insinuation.

i've had this odd little conversational habit ever since i was a child. depending on who the other person is, it can be totally fine or completely offensive. basically, if someone says something and i don't think it deserves a response, i'll just sit quietly and wait for them to finish talking. there's always a teacher or two that hates this. my mother especially is offended by it. maybe she shouldn't have told me children are better seen than heard.

my aunt sat me down yesterday. she asked me why i was wearing a hoodie when it was so hot out. i said i was just used to wearing long sleeves, because i spent most of my summers at the library. most libraries are always air conditioned.. i don't know if she believed me or not. probably not. she started telling me about when she was a few years younger than i am right now. she said she used to be really skinny. ninety five pounds, even. she used to cover up because her knees were knobbly. her bones were sharp. i guess she must not have liked it much, because she gained enough weight to cover her bones. she even gained enough weight to cover the weight, overlapping layers and layers of flesh. she asked me if i was uncomfortable with my body. i smiled and said no.

it seemed as if she was trying to ask if i had body image problems. it wasn't until she told me i should take my hoodie off that i realized she actually thinks i'm cutting myself. i wanted to laugh in her face. i wanted to yell, "you're a little late. try eight years ago." i don't know why that bothered me as much as it did. i mean, i do carry a razor around, but that's just a force of habit at this point in time. when my body and brain disconnected in the middle of school last semester and they sent me off to a psych ward-- just to be safe, they said. just in case something's medically wrong-- no one there asked if i was a cutter. not even the woman who went through my wallet for my insurance card. she couldn't have missed my razor. nobody asked.

after all that, my aunt asked if i had a boyfriend yet. i said no; she said nothing for a few minutes. then she said not to worry, everyone has an awkward stage and i'd grow out of it eventually.

i think she's subtly trying to tell me i'm weird. i'm a little disappointed that it took her this long to realize that.



Rowan said...

Weird people are the only ones worth knowing.xx

ꜛⱴאּ Sⱥm ŁupiƝ ҂ said...

that's very normal? isn't it? i thought it was normal for people to do that xo
children are better seen than heard. fuck if it ain't true bb i cant fucking stand those cocksuckers
omg i also wear hoodies and incredibly baggy clothing
if something fits i'll wait until i lose enough wait that it becomes loose
and the few moments that ive worn fitted clothing my Mother actually went apeshit because it was "too tight" that or she was used to seeing me drown in a sea of fabric even in the comforts of my own home x
i think your razor thing is just like my multiple scales multiple measuring cups thing its just...its just nice to know that it's there. you know you're not going to use it, but it's there. and its comfortable for me to know that it is
-Sam Lupin

Venus said...

I cut for years before anyone noticed and I think at that point I was so used to no one seeing them that I didn't hide them anymore. Sometimes it's like the people who should care the most can be so blind to what is obviously going wrong. It's sad that your aunt was like that. To me, weird just means different, and I would rather be different than blend in with everybody else and lose my individuality. I like you the way you are, weird or not.
And by the way, I do the same thing in conversation. If they don't give us a reason to respond, then why do they expect us to?
xoxo <3

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