in which i am temporarily crushed by the jaws of fate.

in the last two months (or, i should say, the first two months of the school year), a lot of shit has happened. from attempting to defend people against sketchy school administrations to losing contact with friends who are being sent to inpatient facilities, it's been weird and unpleasant. the universe is holding me by the scruff of my neck, the mother cat with the rebellious kitten, and shaking me back and forth violently. learn your place, it's probably saying. as all good kittens know, it's better to go limp and allow yourself to be fucked around with. unless you want to end up with a broken neck.

oddly enough, the place i used to get a break from everything was my internship site. the hospital's psych unit is full of strange people who have a better understanding of life than the people i'm around at school. naturally. one of the patients told me, while drawing a pumpkin on construction paper, you're a really weird person. so i smiled and said thank you. he said, you know that's a compliment, right? and i said, well, naturally. what else could it be? of course, there are still assholes at the hospital (i.e., most of the staff). call me an idealistic little brat but i think laughing at patients is only okay if they do something funny.

at any rate, the whole internship experience is being overshadowed by this issue called the other intern. apparently, she wants us to be conjoined twins. she does all this stuff like coming to find me when she hasn't seen me for a few minutes, wanting to eat together all the time, talking, singing, breathing all the fucking time-- it's a lot of extra noise inside my skull that i don't need. plus, i'm pretty sure my supervisor likes her more. he's gotten into the habit of stomping on my hopes and dreams, using the title of supervisor to make it seem as if it's all for my own good. i still love him though, because he loves fiona almost as much as i do. the other intern always says we're obsessed and turns her nose up.

i'm pretty sure i'm behind on homework in every fucking class. so that's nice. in spite of the fact that i only sleep for maybe four hours every night, i find myself incapable of doing it. reading research articles that are unrelated to any classes? i can do that. writing songs about how the staff at my school is full of shit? easy peasy. learning how to play entire albums on the piano? no problem. the difference between all of these and my homework, i guess, is that i don't want to do it. but now i have to or i'm screwed.

in the time it took me to type all of this, i could've done some of it. i probably should...

still, even after typing all of this out, i can't put my finger on what it is that's draining me so much. not that it would make a difference even if i did know, most of these problems would still be there. and i didn't even mention my budding alcoholism. maybe it's my hypocritical nature that's draining me. i tell the people at the psych unit that it's a horrible idea to use alcohol to cope with the problems of life one day, and bring vodka/apple juice to my classes the next day. so yeah, maybe it's me.

i am my biggest problem, after all.



Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ│͍͢⃝Ṣαᵯ ȽuРіῄ│❀✿ ⱴ⁄ said...

life is draining. that's what's exhausting you so much. and it's okay. and sleep more than four hours a day. that's also why you might be drained. then again, if you sleep 20 hours a day, i promise you you'll be drained as hell when you wake up. so yes, sleep well. eat well. do your homework.
also, i love you.
but mostly, sleep well.

<3 <3

-Sam Lupin

Fat Piggy said...

I have a similar problem with my life at the moment. i have a girl at work that doesn't like to leave me alone - everyone likes her more than me - fuck you!! On the one hand, I love that the popular girl likes me the most and on the other hand, I want her to fall into a pit of fire. I resent her, I hate her. I think this brings me to my next point which really resonated about this post. I feel empty, just so empty. Like there is nothing left of me... nothing to me almost. I feel like a shell walking around and truly unmotivated to do anything. I can't figure out why I feel like this, only that I do. Fail. All round. Xo

Depressed Skinny Mess. said...

So glad you're back. Sounds like you're having a tough time of it at the moment! But don't give in, don't be the kitten that gets shoved about and does as it's told. Do what you want to do, fight back! Be you, because you're wonderful. :) x

Ashley Nichole said...

I think you're doing great. School, in any median, can be extremely tough. Just keep getting though it and don't let people get in your way.

I think your internship is great. I've done a couple psych internships and they really helped me understand myself better and what I wanted out of life.

Overall, just do your best. School can be such a drag! Sometimes you have to learn when to act out and when it's okay to speak your mind. But never lose your speech. A lot of people forget how to speak up for themselves because society is constantly pushing their voice into the ground and dismissing them.

You may be a "kitten" but someday you'll be a cat!

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