i'm having a hard time.

i'm actually quoting my younger self here, which i'm sure she'd be pleased by. i am having a hard time, though. i'm very frustrated. i was doing a fairly decent job of eating relatively normally until spring break started this past monday. being stuck at home with my mother-- god, am i beating a dead horse? don't you guys understand how stressful this house is by now? it was absolute hell. basically launched me headfirst, mouth wide open, into a week long b/p cycle. the intensity of which leads me to call it BingeFest 2015. (there was a BingeFest 2013, as well as a BingeFest 2014. there was also a BingeFest 2010. these are periods of time where i'm just irritated and angry and generally not pleasant to be around. also, i'm b/p-ing with the intensity of an olympian.)

yesterday, my sister and i woke up to my mother's literal stomping upstairs and yelling at us about fuck knows what. this led my normally softspoken sister-- no, wait, this is a lie. my sister is outspoken as hell. either way, my sister basically said, shut up, go away, i'm sleeping, you're a dick. but that was just kind of the icing on the cake of shit that she's been baking all week. or really, maybe, this morning was the icing. i woke up, climbed out of bed and went to open my blinds (which is actually a big fucking deal, since i've been so crippled by stress/fear/self-hatred that i haven't left the house since the twelfth). she probably heard me moving, because five seconds later she sent me a horrid text about getting a job. not that getting a job is horrid; i'd love to. but being constantly bitched at for any and everything really wears one down.

and yes, i know, the other alternative was leaving home. but let's look at the options, okay? there aren't many people i can turn to in case i need to get away from my house quickly. there's basically waterbear, who i can't see because she just got out of inpatient and i'm obviously still too fucked in the head to be of any use. in fact, i'd probably make things worse. there's banana, who would totally be willing to help, if not for the fact that her life is currently in the shitter as well, and i'm not going to pile my crap on top of hers. she isn't a beast of burden, so i won't treat her as such. the other people are mostly guys, who really just want to sleep with me and (let's face it) i'm not really interested in losing my virginity to any of them. the remainder are girls who would probably force me to talk about my problems and/or lecture me on the importance of things that aren't important at all. so i stayed home.

i mean, i know (objectively) things aren't as bad as they could be. i'm not cutting, although i carry my razor around in my wallet like a rabbit's foot or four leaf clover. i haven't cried, or shown any lack of emotional self-control, which is also a bonus. also, i've kept things tidy around here. i'm not sleeping much (i only got 2.5 hours last night), but i am still sleeping. i don't know how long that will last, but for now, any sleep is comforting. i haven't had any of my usual horrid lucid nightmares in a while. and i've been able to read and play video games all week.

subjectively, though, i'm just very upset with myself. for starters, letting my mother get to me enough to launch me into a week-long b/p cycle. that's shit. i didn't get the highest grade in a few of my classes on these midterms we had. i may have been in the top percentile but that doesn't mean anything. (the saying here is anything less than success is failure.) i haven't been exercising as much as i'd like.

i had the thought today that living in my house is a lot like living in a neighborhood with a serial killer on the loose. it's this constant fear, watching over your shoulder and wondering what the hell is going to happen. maybe that sounds a little extreme. perhaps it's more running through like a mine field without a map. you never know where the next land mine is or if something's suddenly going to explode. it's not you that's the problem. it's your surroundings, basically. that's how i feel.

so i'm having a hard time. or at least, i've been having a hard time. i don't plan to anymore. i don't have time to waste b/p-ing. or feeling emotions. haha. i talked on the phone with my friend last night and hearing the amount of self-loathing in his voice was a lot like hearing myself talking to myself. i can't control my environment. but i can control myself. and i don't plan on letting this shit get to me anymore. give it a week, though, and i'll probably be like fuck my life blahblahblah. so it goes.

you know how it is.



Ṣαᵯ ȽuРіῄ│ said...

so sorry that you were pushed into a b/p cycle.

oh, dear, oh, dear, oh dear. nothing is worse than a b/p cycle.

i love you, darling. i'm so sorry that this house triggers you this much. it shouldn't. home should be home and all that jazz, but then again, oh, mum.

"but being constantly bitched at for any and everything really wears one down." can i say something with all the love i can muster?

your mother is a cow. :)

got to love friends, eh? but it happens sometimes. you just gotta be your own friends. and hey, you can always bitch around here. that usually helps (me anyway).

that doesn't mean shit, i.e. not cutting/crying. you're not having a good time. and i'm sorry about that. i hope you get to sleep a bit more (though i do remember your somewhat high aversion to sleeping).

dude. you did well. exceptionally well. okay? stop beating yourself up for nothing, my dear, or i'll beat some sense into you.

"i've been having a hard time. i don't plan to anymore." good girl.

"i can't control my environment. but i can control myself. and i don't plan on letting this shit get to me anymore."

good. that's the way things should be (as to quote your previous post).

love you to bits. now make me proud.

-Sam Lupin

ascendancy. said...

missinsanity. You brave brave girl. I have missed you. I need to catch up on all your happenings.

Know you're so loved. And wanted. And needed.

Family can be hard. The HARDEST THING EVER in fact. But I love you. And I'm back. I'm sorry I've been away <3

Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for things you can't control. Don't be hard on you. The road is long and sometimes lonely but you are STRONG. And wonderful. And worth everything.



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