the way things are (and the way they should be).

i'm trying very hard to swim, to keep my head above water. i replay genius next door by regina spektor, reminding myself that if i just hold in my breath until i come back up, if i just hold my breath until i think everything through... the perfection i've been handling my schedule with this semester is starting to slip. i need to tighten up. i'm giving myself too much rope. if i don't stop, i'm going to drown. sink or swim, they say.

i'm noticing my energy shift as the weather rises. not that the two are connected usually. i can have high energy in the winter as well. but for some reason, the sunlight is wreaking havoc with my brain. it's lighting up like a christmas tree on fire. i know it is because i'm holding eye contact too long. i like that i'm aware of it right now, though. i can still make good decisions. i just need to keep reminding myself, don't drink, don't drink, don't drink. as my energy spikes, my impulse control plummets. and so the story goes.

i'm doing yoga. that's supposed to help, theoretically. but all it's doing for me is making me comfortable in solitude. then, in comparison, when i'm around people, my anxiety begins to spike. sitting in class today, eyes closed, as a classmate played a piece he composed, i felt my muscles tense with every unexpected note. my teacher noticed the nervous twitch of my feet. my classmate noticed me fidgeting with my hands. sitting still is hard enough, without my eyes being closed and people watching me. yoga is failing me. but at least my flexibility is increasing.

i'm avoiding people again. i'm pretending to seek them out, so that they can't say i'm avoiding them. but when the time comes for me to actually be where they'd like me to be, i disappear. i can't handle people. at least, not all people. i have a new friend, a sophomore who's probably got a case of mild depression. he's an amazing singer. his voice made me have a fan girl moment. he's a nice kid. but he doesn't feel like college is right for him and yet he's basically stuck. he hates it. really. so he doesn't go to classes and he doesn't talk to people. he stays shut up inside his dorm room. he has very few friends. i'm glad to at least say i'm one of them. but i don't like seeing people unhappy. and his relationship with his family sounds like crap. i can relate. we bonded over the insanity of our mothers. (and finally, my mother is useful to me in a social context.)

i'm going to start scheduling myself more. tighter schedule, less room for improvisation. space for unexpected things of course, but not too much. i'm going to start breathing. i notice that i hold my breath. that's probably not helping with my anxiousness. i only remember to breathe after my lungs begin to shrivel and my heart beats on the door of my chest, telling me inhale, you dumb bitch! inhale! and so i do. and i'm going to stop pretending to seek people out. that's a huge waste of time in my schedule. i'm going to help this kid too, because i have a savior complex, and i can't stand to see someone in trouble.

i have to do things properly. i keep fucking up.



K. said...

I guess my energy levels depend on the weather too. I just feel more like moving out of my bed when the sun shines outside.

Ṣαᵯ ȽuРіῄ│ said...

sink or swim? what if you can't swim? you could always fly. you could always walk on water.

i think our environment manipulates us more than we think, but at the end of the day, we are the masters of our mind. we cannot choose how the weather will be tomorrow, but by changing our perspective, we can change lots.

take that energy. use it for something that you're supposed to be using it for. just saying. <3

my dislike of yoga is getting to me. i am far too biased to comment on that passage.

avoid if you like. but be cautious of doing something that appeals to you now that you might regret later.

you do not fuck up. you just respond to a way you do not like when a situation is presented.

if you want, there could be no right or wrong in a reality you spin out of your thoughts. that is the thing about thinking certain things - nobody can come into your head and debate with you. thoughts are yours. they are entirely yours, and nobody can take them away.

you do not fuck up. breathe in. you know what you have to do, so just do it.


-Sam Lupin

Bella said...

You are too precious to sink, okay? No sinking allowed.

Yoga fails for me too now. I used to enjoy it, now the breathing is just torture. I still find it relaxing, but it's not the same.

I wish we lived in the same country. I think we'd have a lot in common, especially socially.

Take care pretty lady <3

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