i've been a bad, bad girl.

i've been careless with a delicate man.

our voice studio had a masterclass this wednesday. i wasn't prepared, i had performance anxiety, i have perfectionist issues-- there were so many factors. but i messed up. gloriously, perhaps. definitely an unforgettable performance. i had tried to relieve my anxiety beforehand by joking with three of the boys in my studio. we made lewd noises whenever someone sang something beautiful. we rubbed each other's backs and made shady side comments. i had to pee about seven times. i thought it would work. but still i messed up so badly that my teacher, sensing my discomfort and perhaps even my self-hatred, came onto the stage and said, don't worry. nobody's perfect. this was just a fluke. i wrinkled my nose, sighed deeply, went to get my things and leave. my masterclass-mates swarmed around me. only the three boys, since the other girls left. they chorused, you did great, it wasn't bad, at least you kept going, don't be so hard on yourself. i rolled my eyes. as i began to walk away, two of them called after me, telling me to feel better! and assuring me that it was still amazing!

the quiet one, the tallest one, the youngest one. he was headed for the dorms, which were in the direction i was headed, so he came with me. nobody did it perfectly, he said. and most of us didn't know the words either. i grunted. i don't want to see our voice teacher on the way home, i began to mumble, realizing that we went the same way. wanna come to my dorm? i agreed. i had been there before. i met his roommate. and besides, we're buddies, and we had already had one heart to heart conversation about how fucked up our families are and whatnot. so i went.

i put my head on the desk in his room and tried to explain why i was so upset with myself, as he changed out of his clothes behind me. i think the reason i had a hard time getting the words out is because i was trying to not turn around and watch him in various states of undress. which, of course, i wanted to. luckily for me, he stopped in the middle of changing his clothes (the stage after taking off the first outfit and right before putting on the second) and sat down nearby.

i don't know what i'm trying to say. i think you do; take your time. um, it's just like there's two versions of myself. there's the perfect version and then there's me. and every once in a while, when i'm not blocking her from getting out, she comes out and it's fucking amazing and everyone's like holy shit. and then the rest of the time, it's me. and everyone is kind of like, oh. you're fucking insane, basically. so yeah. 

most people hear this and they give me some spiel about self-esteem. (see: former supervisor, friends, etc.etc.) he actually understood what i was saying. not just sympathizing, but actually empathizing. he told me about hypnotherapy and how he had tried it, and it worked for him. he said he could  get a free session for me. i'll think about it. or, to be honest, i'll think about thinking about it. he shrugged, resumed changing his clothes. which apparently, simply entailed putting a pair of pants on. then climbed into his bed. when i say climbed, i mean it. he's like a giant and his bed is like, three and a half feet off the floor.

i knew he was tired and was only really just trying to make sure i didn't hate myself as much as i had been after the performance, so i told him he didn't have to babysit me and he could take a nap if he wanted to. i didn't need him to leave the dorm, just to get into it. i don't want to sleep, i want to cuddle. oh. hmm. i rolled the chair to the side of his bed and tentatively offered him my right hand to hold. how's that? close, but not quitehe said as he held it. inside, i'm telling myself, you don't want to lose more guy friends to the awkward middle space. or worse, to have another friend that you have this weird sexual undercurrent with. (i have this bad habit of collecting guys that i'm more than friends with but less than relationship quality, and most of my guy friends end up turning into this eventually. it's really bad.) so i think it over and finally i'm like, okay, i want to but i won't let anything happen.

so i end up cuddling with this kid, who we'll call arizona, due to the fact that he's hot and dry, humor-wise. the whole time, i'm really trying to keep myself in control and not do anything misleading. (that is, more misleading than climbing into his bed and getting under a blanket with him.) it got really hot, really fast. temperature wise. and also, because the longer i stayed there, the closer we got. right when that last mental barrier was about to collapse, in walked the roommate. it was perfect. mostly because i was still fully dressed. that's a first for me. and also because i hadn't made out with him, like i wanted to. which is also a first for me, i usually just let my body go where it wants to.

anyway, i left not long after that. i saw him yesterday. it was even weirder than the whole cuddling situation because-- remember that weird sexual undercurrent i was trying to avoid? it's totally there now. there's all this wicked sexual tension between the two of us. (similar to the tension between puck and i, but different. with that one, the intensity is from the unspoken agreement to not do anything. with this one, there is no such agreement.) it's funny because my friend had asked me before spring break if the two of us were going out because she was getting some cute love vibes. she wasn't in yesterday. but if she had been, she would have noticed all the side-glancing and avoiding physical contact that was going on.

i feel bad because i know i don't understand emotions and even though he probably understands that, it's like, really likely that anything emotional wouldn't end well. at the same time, i feel weird because it's not like normally, where i'm the one reeling in a potential catch. he's the one who started it. i've been haunted by his perfectly timed forehead kiss. the gentle rise and fall of his chest. the lazy way his fingers ran up and down my sides. his heady scent. the rhythm of his heartbeat. everything, i guess. really fucking sucks. i keep asking myself, what am i doing? what's wrong with me? i can tell from the hyper-awareness of each other that he's probably thinking about it as much as i am. (or am i projecting? holy shit, i'm overthinking this.)

i'm pretty sure, from past experiences with my brain, that i'll like him now and then after i've successfully gotten him to like me too, i'll stop liking him because he likes me. or i'll like him as long as he doesn't like me and because of this, allow myself to get close to him physically, while still maintaining a safe emotional distance. does any of this make sense? i really can't even fucking tell. my brain isn't the right state for this.



K. said...

I alwys have this problem with defining my relations with boys. I can be friends with many but then we flirt, and have fun, and it's getting weird but I don't want relatioship with them, and I always get rid of strangers trying to approach me in social situations so I'll be stuck in this situation forever.

Bella said...

"i have this bad habit of collecting guys that i'm more than friends with but less than relationship quality, and most of my guy friends end up turning into this eventually. it's really bad"
Yo. I get that. This is the reason I have either no male friends left (99.9%), or we have the strangest but strongest friendships ever (0.1%). I'm a bit of an emotional cripple too so it rarely ends well, relationship-wise. But it makes total sense to me, don't worry.

Sending love and hugs <3

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