confidence.

i'm not a brave person, i don't think. if i have to do something that makes me feel nervous, it usually takes a lot of encouragement from other people. but i actually did something (brave) on my own for once. it feels...kinda awesome.

so, i don't know if you remember that really cool girl who's a drummer and stuff. (her awesomeness is immeasurable.) anyway, her birthday was on sunday. she doesn't talk to many people, so i was really glad the other day when she said she considered me one of her friends. if i could've cried, i would have. so i got her a birthday present. chocolates and a keychain. she's so cool. i made her smile! highlight of my week, i swear. it's kinda weird, because basically everyone thinks i'm obsessed with her or something. and now that i think about it, i talk about her like i'd talk about guys i have a crush on. i don't know. whatever.

after i gave her her presents, i was so happy that i wandered around in a happy daze.

then this guy i used to have a crush on, we were hanging out and he was like, "you look good, have you been working out?" and i was like, ".....no." but it was cool, because i think the last time he saw me i was five pounds heavier. (one twenty five. still.) but it made me feel like people really notice even the slightest change. at least, i hope they do.

FOR THE RECORD, IF I DID LIKE THAT REALLY COOL DRUMMER CHIC (WHO I'D PROBABLY NICKNAME STICKS FOR THE SAKE OF NOT BEING ABLE TO THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE), I'D WANT TO BE AS SKINNY AS SHE IS (and then some). she's my height and-- she's just so adorable. i bet she's between ninety and one hundred. and she's so relaxed. she said she'd put the keychain on her keys. obvious win, there.

where was i? oh yeah. banana and i are going raw, starting tomorrow. she and i may not see eye to eye all the time, but i guess we're pretty close. we understand each other, so we can have honest conversations. like, she tells me that she cuts and i tell her that i hate eating. and we accept each other, issues and all. so yeah. we're going raw. eighty-ten-ten raw. which basically means we can only eat fruits and vegetables. because i think all the food has to be low fat. and since we both eat baby food, we should be fine. she helped motivate me to do my homework. she's cool with me. especially since she's all about losing weight these days. anywho...

sticks. i like it. today, i was holding my drum and she started playing it while i was standing there. i was so happy. but not as happy as her. her face lit up. i think i squeal, giggle, or stare in amazement whenever she's talking to me. (could ya be anymore obvious, missinsanity?!) she's like a kid sometimes. gotta love it. i...... IVBSDFJNK totally have a crush on her, don't i. typical. i'm going to see if she wants to go to this concert in may. or maybe she'll come to my recital. or the school concert. or maybe we'll just hang out and become really good friends. hopefully...all of the above, right? i still can't get over the fact that she thinks i'm cool. one of our friends is under the impression that i'm in love with her. hurrrr. i don't care either way. (actually, i do.) it doesn't really matter. (it does. a lot.) if she likes me, cool. if she doesn't, cool. (no, if she doesn't, i'll act like an abandoned puppy for the whole summer.

you always want what you can't have. (except for solos. which i totally got, after weeks of practicing.)

honestly.

jughead.

you know archie comics? i love those. i used to spend all my money on archie comics and a bottle of ginger ale, then i'd just read them over and over and over and over. so yesterday i decided to buy one. just for old time's sake. i didn't realize how much i missed it. 

all week i've been thinking about when i was younger. (like junior high to junior year of high school.) i was just thinking about how i used to buy a lot of candy and eat it all day. at least in high school i was always running around, and i always shared with other people. but i remember this guy in my english class, junior year. coolest guy i knew back then. one day he was just like, "you eat candy like, every day. how are you not fat? i swear, if i ate as much candy as you, i'd gain like twenty pounds." at the time, i really didn't care. of course, i was also wearing dog collars to school and giving free tarot card readings, so i didn't really care about much. but just thinking back to that, i cut back on candy really quickly. even last semester, i always had a lollipop, even if i wasn't eating it. now sugar scares me.

yesterday, i was watching this silly video with owl girl and it was like, a musical activity. so you're supposed to stand up and like, dance and whatever. there was this horribly fat girl in the video who stayed seated for the entire song. and owl girl was like, "ugh, check out that fat girl." suddenly, i was really happy i hadn't eaten yet. and later in the day, i was sitting with my friend and we were talking about-- well, she was talking about-- dieting. and i was like, "what, do you want twig legs or something?" and then this really cool girl popped up out of nowhere and she had dreads and she said she was visiting a friend and she was from california and she was just like jmjnjbhydzsdf SO COOL. and my friend goes, "well, yeah. like that girl." (i found out that girl's name was tuesday. made me think of a series of unfortunate events.) 

WAIT I GOT SO OFF TOPIC.

okay, jughead. archie comics. yes. jughead eats like a monster. he has a food obsession. but he's amazingly skinny. absolutely love him.

.......

now i have nothing to say about him. damn it. 

WHATEVER. he's awesome. check him out.

ah, i'm going running with the pirate today. (afternoon, sometime. maybe.) i'd rather ride a stationary bike in the fitness center, though. i don't want to get all sweaty before my other classes. but whatever. i feel more motivated to actually get toned instead of just losing weight. (and i can't even do yoga in the living room anymore, 'cause my sister is always watching tv.) i know the pirate keeps telling people she thinks she's fat and she wants to lose forty pounds. (and i guess, i keep telling you guys that...) so i figure, at the very least, she could use an exercising buddy. and we're gonna play at a few open mics soon. i don't know.

i still have absolutely no motivation to do anything, but at least i'm showering regularly. (seriously. no joke.)

i wrote on my mirror in dry erase, my weight goal and thinspo quotes. my sister saw it, i think. and my mom. i don't think they care anymore. cheers! speaking of weight, i'm still one-twenty five, even though i haven't been eating. it's probably because i haven't been moving much either. or drinking enough water. (lame.)

i can't wait to get back to one hundred and seventeen pounds. that was fun.

oh, i remember now. i wish i had jughead's metabolism.

honestly.

this is bullshit.

dear mom,


i'm not going to apologize for being the worthless piece of shit you have to tolerate until one of us dies or moves far away from the other. i will, however, apologize for not being able enough to build a time machine, go to the hospital i was born in, wait for myself to be born and slit my own throat.


also, if someone says to you, "get me a razor and a bottle of pills and i SWEAR your problems will be over" it's probably not a good idea to talk with your other children about how fucked up that person is, hm? especially if you're at the bottom of a staircase and they're at the top. because maybe, just maybe there is something wrong with her.


you guys are a fucked up bunch of people and i'm sorry i have to live in this shithole you call a house. oh wait, i don't have to. i'll be out of your hair soon enough.


i wish i could say all that, but in the time it takes i'd probably break down and start laughing. that's my defensive mechanism. one of them, anyway. there's silence, laughter and anger. sometimes there's a strange mixture of all three. my family pisses me off and i'm so stressed and frustrated and i don't even fucking know what else that i've actually made myself physically ill. if i shake my head it starts pounding. moving too quickly makes me nauseous. who's been stuck in bed all spring break? this kid, right here. oh and i totally lied to myself about making up homework. that's so much crap. i can barely get myself in and out of the shower.

i just hope that i'm absorbing all this bad energy so someone else can have a good few days for a while. if this shit storm doesn't blow over soon, i'm doing something drastic. like i should have a long time ago.

i really fucking hate my life.

honestly.

those drugs you've got won't make you feel better.

so first of all, i had two research papers due in the last.... seven days and out of the two, i did none. (nice.) then that damn kid... i gave him back his hoodie and i didn't get my wallet until today. AND HE TRIED TO HOLD MY HAND. dude, hello, i rejected you. i'm sorry your life is slightly pathetic. not that having a blind best friend makes you pathetic, it just makes you... a little pitiable. (THAT'S RIGHT. I HAVE NO HEART.) seriously, he just looks at me all the time with these sad puppy eyes. like i kicked him in the face or something. (maybe i should have...at least he'd go away.)

this guy i was smoking with today mentioned  that nothing's changed in his life but it feels like it's all gone to shit. i totally understood that. like, what changed for me? i woke up ten minutes early? i wore two different socks? nothing changed. but everything feels like shit. he's good company. i might smoke with him again soon. plus, he's like one of the few people that i know at school that i can sit with, not say anything to and be okay with it. sometimes silence is really soothing. it feels really good to just sit and chat sometimes, and other times you just want to breathe, ya know? and holocene was playing in the background. (i love bon iver, so much.) i was going to say something like "i think he would make a really good friend" but i think the last thing i need right now is to start attaching myself to more people. i need to get away from people, if anything.

the more i'm around other people, the more i feel like i completely suck at everything i try to do. (i still feel like the turtle in a school of fish and i want to withdraw into my shell. maybe a boy with a tiger in his boat will swim along, kill me and make my life meaningful.)

on top of all that, i have like, no motivation to do anything.

i don't feel like walking my dog.

or changing my cat's litterbox.

or washing my hair.

or showering, for that matter.

eating? not really. although i did have a bowl of cereal with my sister. that was more of a social event, though. just like commuting with her this morning, pretending to be normal in front of other people.

i especially don't feel like going to school tomorrow and taking two midterms. consecutively.

i don't feel like calling the psychiatrist to make an appointment for next week.

i don't feel like going to sleep either, although that'll probably happen whether i want to or not.

mainly, i don't feel like being around. whatever that means.

forgive me for saying this, but for about five minutes yesterday i contemplated swallowing a handful of pills just to get away from everything. like, the ultimate cure for the ultimate headache. not to die or anything, just to like, not be where i am right now.

i don't feel like seeing that guy that likes me. but i'm not going to get a restraining order because he likes me.

i don't feel like doing the "eighty-ten-ten" or whatever banana was telling me about today.

i don't feel like wearing a jacket because i don't feel like being healthy.

i don't feel like talking to people. except my best friend, but he's not just a person, he's himself.

i especially don't feel like getting a ride from this fucking girl who said something about how i weigh more than her. YEAH BITCH, I FUCKING KNOW THAT. I CAN SEE THAT. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

i don't feel like doing research papers that i'm SUPPOSED to do anyway.

i suddenly have an urge to sit outside until the sun rises, too. because i don't feel like being indoors.

i guess what i do feel like doing is writing a bunch of shit i don't feel like doing. and i feel like smoking. and being angry. and buying laxatives. if it's possible to be addicted to those, then i am. because even without taking them, just having 'em nearby makes me feel exponentially happier.

they're having another stupid party at my school this week. i am not going. the last thing i need is another awkward situation. i wish i could just stay under my blanket for the rest of the week and not do anything.

i need coffee and cigarettes and good music. and medication. (lots of it.)

honestly.

awkward turtle.

that would be me. right now.

so i'm sitting in school typing this, feels kinda risky. i rejected that kid and his response was "just so you know, i really like you." i got over it. he will eventually. i returned his hoodie, only to discover...

i left my wallet in his car.

so i guess i'll get it back tomorrow, because i really don't want to be here and i have to do some homework right now.

i haven't eaten yet! just chewing gum, took some medicine type things.

and now i gotta stop because people keep looking over my shoulder. i guess i'll do a proper update later...

LAME.

MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, GUYZ.

honestly.

i feel like a total ass.

so my plan worked. i didn't eat today. what i did do was drink right before that party. and take some adderall. what happened next... i'm not proud of, but it happened.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE EVENING

• drank with owl girl (which is what we'll be calling the skinny transfer.)
• danced with a bunch of people (i can't dance for shit.)
• told a bunch of people i loved them (including people i didn't know.)
• turned an innocent friend of mine into my babysitter (even though i know he totally has a crush on me.)
• told the same innocent friend a bunch of shit about myself (minus the fact that i enjoy starving myself.)
• had the innocent friend drop me home (in true babysitter fashion.)
• made out with innocent friend for three hours (in classic missinsanity fashion.)
• came inside my house around 4:15.

so now you know.

i feel like an ass, though. see, pirate, that girl from the halloween party, she told me he obviously liked me and that i should "totally hook up with him". MEMORY'S A BIT FUZZY but i'm pretty sure i kissed her like seven times at that point. then i kissed him. which was weird. i think it was his first kiss. (which makes me feel even worse.) i wasn't reallly looking forward to going home (coming home?) since i knew i might end up eating. so i did what any girl does in a situation like that. after we got to my house, i made out with him until he had to go home. classy, right? not really. 

he was such a sweetheart too. he was all like, "you're really pretty" and "i don't think you're crazy" although, sadly, he obviously didn't know anything about me. he said i'm cat-like, though. which is like, one of the highest compliments you could give me. ever. and yes, maybe he was an amateur kisser, but everyone at the party recognized him as my boy-toy. and he thoroughly enjoyed kissing me and listening to my stories about my family. still, i'm a total jerk for leading him on like this. NOT TO MENTION MY PHONE IS CURRENTLY IN THE OFF POSITION. so if he texts me over the weekend, sucks for him. if he calls me over the weekend, sucks for him. and if he tries to ask me out on monday... well, you know.

see, the way i figured it, it'd be all "cool, we made out, let's just go back to being buds now" but then he insisted i take his hoodie. which i already know is a bad sign. SHARING CLOTHING-- big no-no. but i took it, because i had to go inside and he had to go home and he wasn't going to leave unless i had it on. i really feel bad, though. i don't like interpersonal commitment and i'm pretty sure that's what he's into. monday is gonna suck monkey balls. seriously. i don't want to hurt his feelings, but i'm also fairly certain if he tries to build this into something more than what it is, i'll hurt him even more.

nobody wins.

'cept for me. 

at the end of the day, a two pound loss makes it totally worth it.

i'm supposed to be waking up in... two hours and i just got home. so i'm going to go to sleep now. EVEN THOUGH I NEVER FINISHED THAT PAPER. SCREW IT. i'm going to sleep.

honestly.

because your candle burns so bright, i almost forgot it was twilight.

i'm in love with elliott smith's music. i've been listening to it for like, a week straight now. (i'm supposed to be typing up a paper right now. BUT IT'S SO EASY, I COULD DO IT IN LIKE, TEN MINUTES, I SWEAR.) been listening to simon and garfunkel, vashti bunyan and neutral milk hotel too.

i need to stay outdoors longer. i find when i'm home, i end up eating. lately just green beans and lollipops, but it's just really odd. today, i woke up and i stretched a little, drank some water, went to school. i had absolutely nothing to eat. my stomach growled and everything, but i just shrugged it off. as soon as i came home... i don't even know what happened. but it's fine, i filled up on water. a lot of water. tomorrow, when i come home from school, i'm going to fill up on water before i even think about eating.

happy leap year, by the way.

my week could have gone better. the best friend of one of my old crushes seems to be after me. he keeps asking me to come to his car. i know for what reason, but i have no idea why. and my self esteem is dropping like a stone. again, i have no idea why.  and i have a midterm tomorrow. and my cellphone is off this week because i'm grounded.

i've never been grounded in my life. bad things happen when my sister comes home.

okay, i have to stop procrastinating. i'm going to type up half of this paper and sleep for about four hours, wake up and finish it.

i don't think i'll eat for the rest of the week. (and not just because i finished all of my green beans.)

i might hang out with that lovely skinny girl on saturday. it's her birthday. since she just moved up here. she doesn't have a best friend to celebrate her birthday with yet. that sucks. i know we're both going to the school party tomorrow, though. at any rate, i feel better when i'm not eating around her. (am i using her? no way.)

friday. i'll probably be back on friday. if not, saturday morning for sure. promise.

i miss free time. homework sucks.

honestly.