i closed my eyes; i held my breath.

my mother's not feeling well today.

i found out earlier this morning when i was creeping downstairs on my way to the treadmill. i made her some tea, and a boiled egg. i messed up with the first egg, because it's been so long since i've made it, i wasn't sure when it would be ready. but she got breakfast in bed today. (i wasn't smiling, but she got it.) somehow, being nice to her drains me of the energy to do other things. i don't know why. regardless, i've been trying to be friendlier with her. we're not close, don't jump to conclusions, but i took some time and really thought about it, and i might as well. my sister's enough of a bitch for her. it's probably just a twenty-four hour bug. at least i hope so.

my mother's mother died giving birth to her, and her father was a deadbeat alcoholic. she only met him twice, as far as i know. so she grew up with her aunt, who had several children to take care of already. i honestly don't think she knows how to be a mother. plus, i'm a first generation american, and she definitely has some deluded notion that if i follow her life plan for me, i'll end up rich. or whatever it is that typical americans end up with/as. anyway, i'm gonna cut her some slack.

although we're not close (i don't think i can talk to her about anything) and she basically turns a blind eye to anything as long as i do well in school, she does let me stay here. she buys me things if i ask for them and doesn't force me to see a psychiatrist, no matter how often i seem to lose my mind. and she bought me this ipod. and my new thirty-two ounce water bottle. so i am grateful for that.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i don't completely dislike her. once or twice a year, she's actually pretty tolerable. i was thinking before that when i got a job over the summer, i'd finally be able to buy all the supplies i needed (for whatever it is i do in my free time). now that i think about it, i might try to help pay for things, like toilet paper and groceries, and save the rest of my money to help pay for a bill or two. my sister spends her money on take-out and her friends, and since my dad died, we've technically had less than half of the income we used to. it would really suck if we lost our house. so i'm not really doing it for her. it's more like i'm doing what needs to be done. 

maybe i'm getting mature.

honestly.

the ants weigh more than the elephants.

normally, i love when life doesn't particularly go as planned. the latest twist in the plot is that i'll be in college for a year more than i planned, which is okay, i suppose. unless i decide i'm tired of the emotional roller-coaster, the surprising (or not surprising?) immaturity, the hordes of inarticulate teachers and the constant fear of having a mental breakdown. then i'll leave. but hopefully i don't. school is the nervous system i need to keep myself from crawling around blindly. the only thing to look forward to each day would be a book i haven't read yet.

speaking of books, i've been spending my spare change on books. i thought that would be a good plan. now i have too many books-- yes, i know, there's technically no such thing, be quiet-- and there's no space in my room for them. i can still see the floor, so i guess that's a lie, though. but it's a good thing i've been buying books. i come very close to feeling too much without something to distract my mind. sometimes it's as if everything is magnified until it's a monster that i can't carry, that i simply have to run alongside until we're both exhausted. sometimes it's as if the only emotion i can carry is sadness, because it doesn't ask anything of me, just for me to sit and converse. currently, it's the former. (lucky me.)

that damn elf. he's getting too comfortable. at night, he runs his fingers over my teddy bears, books and clothes. his silence is far more critical than the only conversation we've had so far. he brought a skeleton once, to sit by the window, and hovered over my bed until moon-set. i wish i had an alarm for my brain. then when these ghosts tried to break in, i'd be forced back into reality and they'd be forced out. i can't ever remember his face when i wake up, although i'm sure i can when i'm asleep. maybe that's because he's just passing through. that's probably why he doesn't have a name. 

only a few people can really tell what mood i'm in, and those are the people i don't spend much time with. or technically, i see them often but only spend time with them occasionally. one of them, who i suppose i'll just call yoshi, seems to be the best at it. he's a strange person-- not like me, and yet very much like me-- and we watch out for each other. when i've been too quiet for too long, he'll ask if i'm alright and snap me back in focus. when his parents (his dad, mainly, from what i can see) get mad at him and push him back into himself, i become more animated to cheer him up. but i can't spend too much time with him. i'm fairly certain three of his friends like me. one is the sad little guy from that one party, another keeps trying to get me to hang out at his house under the pretense of video games, and one is just around. all the time. but yoshi is my favorite, out of that group. i like the way he thinks, his amusing talents, and the way he's just himself and not ashamed of it. i'm glad we don't talk often, i'd probably be bored with him. but so far, he's risen to every insane expectation i've built in my head, so maybe not.

i figured i should mention him now, because i see him a lot these days. (he'll inevitably end up in one of my future posts.) if i end up caring more, maybe i can convince him to fix his schedule so we've got similar breaks. but maybe not. the smart thing to do is to protect my emotions. they appear so small and insignificant, you underestimate them. but they're actually quite dangerous. i think i have philophobia. a deep fear of guys named phil. (i'm joking.) but i am afraid of emotional attachment with anything that can hurt me. because people end up caring about other people, hamster wheels don't always spin, fish sleep belly up, dogs are disposed of in shelters, and cats end up being too independent to truly rely on. but i love all of those things at the same time.

maybe that's why i've been listening to fiona apple so much lately. 

honestly.

a mind is a terrible thing.

i've been having strange dreams again. last night, an elf slipped through my window to curl up behind me.

you've been eating, haven't you, he stated as one arm draped around my waist. i can feel it.

then i sat up and we went over all of my imperfections. it took a while.

everyone can see it, he whispered. everybody knows.

and then familiar faces, attached to familiar bodies, rushed into my room and gathered around my scale. their eyes made my cheeks burn as i stepped onto the scale again and again.

it's going up, they told me. you're making the numbers go up.

someone yelled, this is disgusting! and ran out of my room. someone else started laughing.

stop fucking around, the elf hissed as they began to disperse. you could be amazing. don't you want to be?

so, you know, it was interesting. as far as dreams go, this one wasn't as bad as it could have been.

that aside, it seems i don't have the energy for school lately. i have energy for other things, like reading and video games, but once i'm in school, my eyes start closing and my brain shuts down. i can't function there. i also can't find many people i'm comfortable being around too long. i feel like if i sit in one spot too long, my body will start to spread out and they'll notice, even if they don't say anything. on top of that, my thoughts are spiraling again. it's like my head is full of those super bouncy balls and they're ricocheting around my skull. sometimes it feels like they find an opening and fall out of my mouth.

i think i'm going to get a new ipod (since the other one was obviously sucked into some time-space wormhole and no longer exists in our plane of reality), because it's too quiet and i can hear myself thinking. i'm afraid that if i think too much, i'll do something stupid. of course, if i don't think at all, i'll do something stupid. i feel like a character in an oscar wilde fairy tale, full of good intentions but doomed to a tragic end.

i hope my mind is calmer tonight. i could use a break.

honestly.

oh life. is that it?

red's concert was awesome. before the concert? not so much. after the concert? not so much. did i mention my mental instability? let's just say when my brain stops functioning, a lot of things don't seem as weird as they should.  it's times like these when i should just stay in my room and pretend there is no outside world. a wise man once said, an unopened door is a happy door.

for example. let's say a girl sees a store and thinks, "hey! i've got some time to kill before [insert activity here], maybe i can pop in for a bit!" so she enters the store, just to kill time, at which point she finds herself trapped in awkward conversation with the store owner. the aforementioned store owner invites her to play on a piano located in the back of the store, adding a line that was probably meant to be reassuring. a line like, "let me just close up." so this girl-- this foolishly innocent and fearless girl-- goes to play on the piano, which (surprise!) is real. and also really in the back room of this store. previously mentioned man (did i not mention it was a man? it was a man.) asks her if she would like to partake in the ceremonial burning of the grass. this girl, who is obviously insane, accepts this offer, while simultaneously realizing she was in the back room of a store, which is now closed. to make a long story short, she finally escapes from the store. but it took her almost thirty minutes to realize where she was and what was going on. and then it takes her another ten to get out. bad? yes. very bad. and it all could have been avoided by her not opening her room door.

that was a strange example, wasn't it? let's try something simpler. let's say this same girl-- just to stick with a familiar character-- is in her room a few days later, reading a book on her bed. let's give her a relative... maybe a sister. so this girl, her sister comes home unexpectedly (after vanishing for quite some time) and opens the door to the house. that's one barrier down but that couldn't have been avoided. unfortunately. let's say this girl's sister sleeps in the room across the hall, and she comes home to find her room has been semi-cleaned and there are folded clothes on her bed. maybe this sister realizes they aren't hers, and says to herself, "these aren't my clothes." so naturally, the next thing for her to do would be to knock on the door of the girl's room. the girl already knows that opening her door leads to hideous and terrible things happening, but for some reason, this foolish girl opens her door. her sister, of course, is holding the clothes that she found on her bed and says, "these must be your clothes, because they can't fit me." so the girl takes the clothes, her good mood now trampled, and throws the clothes on the floor. this plunges her into a terrible mixture of fury, self-hatred, and sadness that leads her to try on each of the clothes just to be sure they don't fit. so the clothes don't fit her, and she thinks for a second, "dumb bitch of a sister." then she realizes, well of course her sister would think they would fit her. she was obviously the size of a baby rhino. once again, she is forced to admit that it could have all been avoided by not opening her door.

i'll get over it. writing it out is therapeutic.

so is listening to bjork's songs. like pneumonia. she's not for everyone. but she most certainly is for me. and right before bed, i'll listen to some jeff buckley, and be glad that i don't have to open my door to enjoy them. that being said, i'll probably keep opening my door, because i know myself well enough. i'll always fight with life and keep telling it to hit me with all it has, and then when it suddenly hits me in a weak spot, i sulk. somewhere between licking my wounds and calculating funeral costs, i get really angry that i lost and i come back for another round. at least, that's what it feels like right now.

just gotta grin and bear it, i guess.

honestly.

i don't feel good don't bother me.

i really wish my mother would listen to me sometimes. it's pissing me off, a lot. she's been yelling at me a lot because there's really nothing vegan left in the fridge, and she hasn't seen me eating lately. that doesn't mean i haven't been eating. unfortunately. so just to shut her up-- and because i can't stick to my plans if all the food i'm comfortable eating is unavailable-- i asked her if we could go buy groceries. she said she was busy (watching television) but she'd be ready soon (or, you know, in ninety minutes).

i asked her if we could go to walmart, which isn't a huge thing to most people, but i really fucking hate small supermarkets. but no, why should we go all the way there? no, let's go to the small supermarket down the road. gee, thanks mom. i swear, i feel like everyone's always looking in your cart when you're in those places. at least in a bigger store-- at least the size of your standard walmart-- you can zip around, never lingering long enough for people to look in your cart, or at your face, or at your ungodly figure. (unless that god is buddha. but i digress.) and what's more, it's so fucking intimate. i kept running into this woman who kept glancing at the things i was getting and mumbling, "hmm, maybe i need that too..."

that's not even the worst part. i had a very specific list of things i was going to buy. obviously, i didn't factor in going to a store i was unfamiliar with. so i had to take some things off of the list as soon as i walked in, because i just knew they wouldn't have it. and on top of it, every time i was about to pick up something, my mother would either watch me like a hawk, or say she had that in the fridge already. like apples. pink lady apples. i love those. we don't have those in our house. in fact, we didn't have any fruit in our house. except for some moldy strawberries and soft apples. i hate soft apples, they're so offensive. anyway, she kept following me around and adding things to the cart and making comments on what i was getting. i was really close to losing my grip in public.

and it's not even bad enough that she makes me feel bad for not asking for groceries. she has to make me feel guilty for needing her to buy groceries. what the fuck? when i didn't want groceries, that was a problem. now i'm asking for groceries, and suddenly it's like i deserve the death penalty? my favorite part was when she said, "stop walking like that. you look like you're depressed. it's embarrassing." i wonder, mother, what in the world could i be depressed about? hmm... maybe living with you? for starters?

so that was the last straw. or the straw that broke the camel's back. or some bizzare combination of both of those. i tried. she can't say i didn't. i may not have been eating in front of her, but after my grandmother died, i did try eating a little more normally. just a little. i even went to a burger place and got a veggie burger. with a group of people. (no side of fries, of course.) and i even started showing my face at church-- which was a huge mistake, because literally everyone and their mother can't stop talking about weight. why? who knows anymore?

but you know what? fuck it. fuck her, fuck supermarkets, fuck buying groceries, fuck appearing normal, fuck what other people think, fuck it all.

i don't have time for this.

honestly.

smell that? that's the remainder of my self-esteem going up in flames.

my brain is currently stuck on "you're a piece of shit" mode. which is when those annoying voices that pop up and don't shut up keep repeating, "you're a piece of shit." except, just to keep things interesting, they make sure to say all the different ways you're a piece of shit, so you don't get the feeling that maybe things aren't as bad as you think. they're very loyal, though. they may go off for a while, but they always come back. there's something oddly comforting about them...

last night, i went to a concert with some friends. imagine my pride when i realized i was the skinniest one. you know, at first. because when we got to the concert, there were (obviously) skinnier people there. but it was still a deceptively good start to an otherwise terrible evening. the music was wonderful, all of the different musicians were friendly, and then it all went to hell. turns out one of my (you'll have to forgive me for this) rounder companions was friends with this amazingly supercalifragilisticexpialidocious guy. a guy, might i add, that i would have really loved to talk to. but she's so goddamn supercilious that she kept calling the rest of us her 'posse'. yes, this is the same girl that wants to eat out every friday. but that's insignificant. i went along, because she needed a wingman/wingwoman/whatever, and i was available. I MADE MYSELF AVAILABLE. on a saturday night. and you know what?

i swear to god, she got more numbers than me. meaning, you know, i got none. and she got several.

and that was the blow to my self-image that i (apparently) needed before spring break even fully started.

there's a little part of me that's saying, "it's not such a big deal. you've had worse things happen to you." and then there's this bigger little part of me saying, "even if you were skinnier, you'd still be an unattractive sack of shit, so why bother doing anything, like talking to people and being social. you're pathetic." and because that bigger part of me is much louder, it wins. so i'll be spending this spring break indoors. except for like two days that i promised some people i'd see them. i could cancel, but that wouldn't be right.

i wouldn't care as much if she was skinnier than me. because then i could easily pin it on that, you know? but it's the fact that she isn't that's throwing my mind into a shitstorm of unparalleled proportions. and so i bid a fond farewell to my self-esteem for the time being. maybe something will happen that'll make me feel better, like i'll lose twenty pounds, or win a month's worth of free kickboxing lessons. but i doubt it.

and to top it all off, i'm really bad at being bitchy. or i should say acting bitchy. because now i'll probably spend the rest of the night talking to her about the guys she's talking to that i'm obviously not talking to, because i'll be talking to her talking about them. instead of talking to her about them.

what makes me really pissed off is that i couldn't actually tell this to any of my friends because they'd only say things like, "but you're smart" or "you're really talented" or "you're terribly funny" but what the fuck does that have to do with anything? i don't even have my ipod to lay in bed with, because it's been lost for a while now. damn thing is so small, i don't even know where it could be.

on the bright side, when we went out to eat after the concert, i didn't eat anything. and i have camus, bukowski, burgess and bradbury to read all week. and i can listen to the smiths and joy division, so at least i won't be bored while i'm hating myself.

these little things are the only reason i'm not curled up under my bed, crying about my miserable existence. but it probably won't last.

honestly.

if you're quite finished, i'd like to get on with my life.

if you've seen the dark crystal you'll completely understand everything i'm about to say.

water bear is like chamberlain skeksis. it's quite obnoxious.

"people take different amounts of time to do things. so stop being a dick about how you can do some things better than other people. HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF HUMILITY? OR PEACE AND QUIET? everyone has strengths and weaknesses. there are some things you can't do, and people don't act like dicks because you can't, so stop being a dick to other people. give the world that respect." that's what i would say, if i was still hanging out with her. i made the mistake of being happy to see her yesterday, and i was solving a puzzle when i ran up to say hi. she was watching me, and she kept making these annoying sounds. 

since i know her so well, i know there are only two times she uses sounds to communicate.

the first sound means, "wow. i could do that. why are you taking so long? this is really bothering me. are you stupid?" 

and the second sound means, "i'm tired of waiting, could you please hurry up?" luckily, with the second sound, if you wait long enough she'll just say it. but the first one stays non-verbal FOREVER.

literally forever.

it's like this.

it sounds nothing like that. but it might as well. she's way more annoying. it's the puppet version of what she does.

my only problem is that i don't want to be a bitch.although secretly, late at night, i'll talk to myself in violent tones about my problems with people who take advantage of my personality. but that's also my fault. she wants to hang out over spring break. 

HA.

i'm joking. we'll hang out only if i break both of my legs, shave my head, and/or find cat vomit on my bed. i wouldn't hold my breath if i was her.

i hope this doesn't make me sound like a bad person. there are many forms of arrogance i can stand. this is the only kind that irritates me. i guess i still want to be her friend (from a distance), but not really. she tires me. 

she's like some kind of joy-sucking chupacabra. even if i don't hang out with anyone next week, i'll be sure to  stay home and hide under my bed until she goes away.

i don't think she understands the core concept of a friendship. it's not about having people around you who'll do what you want. and if that's what it means to her, then i'd rather not be her friend (by that definition.) i'd rather have chamberlain skeksis following me around whimpering all day. and that's saying a lot.

i'm sorry you had to sit through my little bitch session. but i don't want to go to school today with that on my mind and have it fly out of my obviously unstable mind. 

honestly.

i wish the little creatures inside my brain would stop dancing and just let me get to sleep already, because it's late-- or is that early?-- and i have school in the morning.

you know what sucks ?girls can be reallly bitchy.

especially to the less aesthetically pleasing.

in fact, i'm sorry to say that until three weeks ago, i was (unknowingly, but still) one of those girls. but then i realized what i was doing, and i've been doing my best to be nice ever since. and-- i'm still not sure how i feel about this-- i think i've attracted a friend. friends are awesome, don't get me wrong, but when they say things like, "let's eat at ------- every friday now! it'll be our thing!" i become a little less enthusiastic about getting to know them. but, this particular person has been more or less ostracized from most of the people she usually talks to. and i know how that feels. so i figure, i'll go along with it, as long as i eat as little as possible, and burn it all off.

i think my mind is becoming restless. i've been noticing far more than i would have cared to and i've been devouring books. i usually can't do that when i'm focused. also, i've been trying to sleep for four hours and i still haven't. obviously.

yay, insomnia.

on a completely unrelated note-- or maybe not, maybe it's subconsciously related-- i keep having flashbacks of my dog being around me. it's definitely unhealthy. usually once a memory starts replaying, i have to sit through it and suffer. and believe me, i'm suffering. but hopefully he's happy, with his new family that loves him very much.

maybe they have a little girl, who brushes his fur, and a teenage boy who takes him for walks late at night. and maybe they've taught him more tricks, and gave him a new name. i'm really sad that he's gone, but at least he's escaped my mother, which is more than i can say.

grrrr.

i don't want to think about that before bed.

ahhhh, whatever.

i'm going to color in some coloring books. (fairies and butterflies!!) maybe that'll put me to sleep.

i may be twenty (age-wise), but mentally, i'm probably around seven. i'm such a child.

sooo, it's way past my bedtime.

honestly.

the crazy truth.

happy new year, first of all. technically, it's not late, because it'll be the new year ALL year. until december. and then the year is stale, and we wait for the next one to arrive, clean and fresh. and yay, i'm finally twenty. which is awkward, because i'm not a teenager anymore, but i can't do anything 'adult' for another year. legally. but anyway.

i've been dealing with a lot since the last time i was here. some of it, i've come to terms with. some of it, i have no idea what to do with. like water bear. she's not a bad person, and we haven't had a fight or anything, but i feel very uncomfortable around her right now. so i've been avoiding her, and she can probably tell by now. and i hate school. so much. i haven't missed a homework assignment yet, and i've basically got straight a's so far. but there's just way too much drama for college, and way too many people. i made the mistake of eating an orange before one of my classes, and jitterbug sat down near me and started watching me eat it. and then she said, "it makes me really happy when i see you eat." with a smile. it was truly disturbing. not happening again. ever.

finally got a freaking treadmill. although, now the problem is that i don't want to work out with my mother in the house, because i really hate her. or my sister, because still really triggering and kind of scary now. but i love this treadmill anyway. and it's really fun. (manual treadmills rock. just sayin'.) it's practically addictive. it would be, if i could actually use the damn thing as much as i wanted to.

aside from all that, i'm fairly certain my mental state is 'unstable'. last year, right after my last post, i had a ridiculous anxiety attack (or something) at school. and they shipped me to an emergency room psych ward, where i pretended to be as normal as possible. and they let me out. surprisingly, smart doctors are rare. so outsmarting the common ones is fairly simple. (or it could have been because i was making one of the other patients laugh. when i probably shouldn't have.) but my family treats me really weird now. and people at school. but i'm still the same person i was before. i guess now they're just paying more attention. maybe. who knows.

i think, aside from water bear, most people have moved on to saner friends. it's so hard to keep people around these days. maybe i'm growing increasingly wilder, and they're just getting too old for this shit. that makes sense.

i've been trying to keep to myself more, though, so no one has to feel bad about not wanting to be around me while i'm out of my mind. but all that means is that i'm at home, being harassed by my mother, which makes me even crazier. i honestly think she wants to make me so angry i hit her or something, because she comes up to my room to annoy me more than she used to. which is too much.

aside from all that, i suppose everything's the same as always. i always miss posting here, when i'm screaming into a pillow in my room, but then i can't calm down long enough to actually do anything. at least my brain is quiet (relatively speaking) today. hopefully it stays that way for a few more days.

honestly.