feeling for bones.

the winds have changed. (... maybe.)

my luck is improving. (... perhaps.)

i haven't gained anything. (... for now.)

it's a bit hard to stay positive with all those little whispers trailing behind my thoughts. but for the most part, i think all of those are true. i've been trying to get a treadmill in this house for years. and finally, finally, it looks like something's going to work out. one of my mom's coworkers has a treadmill for us. (... supposedly.) 

i thought i was going to visit a dear friend of mine next year so we could spend our birthdays together. but it looks like he'd rather work and earn money than spend time with me. spending time with me, i guess, would ultimately be a waste of time. compared to other things he could be doing. really, though. anyone would rather make money than hang around doing "nothing really" for a week. (... obviously.) 

my mother almost restocked the fridge.i went with her and made sure i stocked up on as many fruits as i could. of course, that didn't stop her from putting a couple of unwanted things in the cart. she was paying, i couldn't stop her. now if i binge, it'll be healthy. like that makes a difference. at least i didn't binge yesterday. (... surprisingly.)

i thought one of my best friends was angry with me. turns out i was wrong. i'm glad for that, he's one of few people i can really talk to about anything. i thought another one of my best friends was my workout buddy. i thought we both had goals we wanted to reach and we would support each other. i guess since i'm actually losing weight and she isn't, she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. whatever "it" is. at least when we hang out in two weeks i'll be skinnier than when she last saw me. i guess morrissey was right when he said we hate it when our friends become successful. (... sadly.)

i think i figured out what i miss about high school. i could buy like, ten dollars worth of candy and blow through it in six hours, come home and not gain weight for days in a row. but that's probably because i'd just burn off all the sugar by moving for six hours straight. anyway, i think i'm liquid fasting today. and tomorrow. for as long as i can. mainly because i kinda finished a whole pack of forty eight laxatives between saturday and last night, and i have to go to school today. fingers crossed, though, that i... uhm, got everything out. but i probably didn't. (... unfortunately.)

it seems like there's a lot of sadness blowing around. if you're sad because the trees are dying, don't worry, they'll grow back in the spring. and don't feel like you're not worth anything, because people who aren't worth anything are like, child molesters and pedophiles. and unless you're one of those, then you're just a victim of circumstance. and things change. i mean, life is like a rollercoaster. sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. usually you're stuck in an endless circle of nausea. ....i forget where i was going with that.

anyway, cheer up. all of you. and go have a lollipop. you've earned it.

(... honestly.)


Mia said...

i hope you get your treadmill! I wish I had one too.. It would be great not to have to go to the gym all the time and a lot harder too find an excuse not to work out.

I got a work out buddy that's losing more than me.. And she eats pizza like twice a week and drinks beer both friday and saturday. I hate it, but I still hang out/work out with her and I'm all jealous in silence.

Sam Lupin said...

uh oh. perhaps and maybe are not my favourite words. (...truthfully.)
treadmill! gah. don't remind me. 60 minutes today on that stupid thing was like Hell for me. all body parts hurt. (...ahhh, fuck all things that burn calories!)
he's an idiot. i'd kill to have an hour with you. (...really).
i didn't binge yesterday either. (also surprisingly).
awe. :c i understand it when friends get better than you. they just leave. (...sadly)
liquid fasts are horrid. i hate them. it's what started my binge/purge cycle. (yes, yes they're the spawn of the devil. my body just cannot...)
also, i took so many fucking laxatives and nothing's happened. (...unfortunately).
but i haven't had a lolly since i was a child!
yours truly, Sam Lupin.
it's all about: fat Sam, peanut butter, lolly, child, spawn of devil, treadmill, cycle, and other shit i don't care of.

Depressed Skinny Mess. said...

Tredmills are awesome! And fun! You can go for hours on those! :) Burns calories like no bodies business! xx

Bones said...

Positive thinking seems to rough for a lot of us these days... I admit, I envy you for actually losing weight, I've completely and utterly plateaued. I'm sorry your friend won't be around for his birthday! ._.

jackie said...

yay for treadmills! i need to go down and use mine.. lol i'm such a fat ass.

i think you're right to think that your work out buddy is giving up out of jealousy. some people can't stand to be around other people who have what they want. (me included hahaha)

sorry about the friend who bailed on you. i hate cancelled plans. they're the absolute worst.

(p.s. I know I'm worth something and that positiveness is great and all, i just truly cannot see it right now. and that sucks.)

xx jax

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