the fine art of making it out alive.

i'm confused.

i'm in a stupor.

i went for a run last night, to clear my mind. i hear running does that to you. my mother objected to it; she said it was too late outside for that. i went anyway. when i got home, chest pounding, my breath coming out in gasps, sweat trickling down the sides of my face, she was ready for me.

"you're so out of control these days."
"yeah, mom? since when. six years?" i asked her because that's when i started noticing the distance between us, something normal mothers and daughters don't have.
"no." she responded quickly, as if she had been waiting a long time to say it. "we always knew you'd be trouble. since you were eight."

we? who do you mean by 'we,' mother dearest? she can't mean papa, i tell myself. papa and i were the best of friends. she's a liar, i decide. then i go to bed.

my dreams were haunted by ghosts. when i woke up in the morning, i was curled in a ball and shivering. chilled to the bone. the icy grip of my nightmare wouldn't let go of me. the feeling followed me to school. i walked around, not completely there. some people noticed. they tried to cheer me up. nothing worked. then suddenly, red was in front of me. tea with honey in one hand, a cigarette in the other. he tried to give me a hug. i backpedaled, fearing human contact. he started talking to me, as if unaware that i'm wasn't responding. he made jokes, he talked about his life, his job, his weekend. he has a cold and it's chilly, i notice. he's standing outside to cheer me up. i felt myself smiling. i pulled it back quickly. then there it was again, a smile on my face. where did it come from, i wonder? how did he know where it was? when he couldn't take the cold anymore, he opened his arms again. "hug?" he asked carefully. i gave him a quick one, then we went our separate ways.

it was as if all the kindness in the world was in that hug. it warmed me up. i noticed it first by the spring in my step. then i noticed i was happier because i was checking out random guys on campus. i couldn't let this good deed go unrewarded. i found him as soon as i could and gave him the biggest hug i could manage. i smiled into his shoulder. "thanks for cheering me up," i mumbled into his jacket.

i had never loved him more than i did right then.

if only the mood swings had just stopped there. my day would have been perfect. but life isn't fair. and i haven't felt like being strong lately. i've just been weak. (food? oh hell yeah, just shove that crap down my throat.) my insignificance is overwhelming. i actually wrote that on something in my school. i hope no one finds it. not that it matters if they did or not. my name isn't on it. i'm covering mirrors, i avoid the scale, i wear my baggiest clothes to school.

i'm so cold. and i've eaten too much. and i need to stay happy. i'm trying so hard.

i've been holding on to that hug all day.

i love you all, too. i read your comments and i just felt worse (i'm sorry) because i didn't deserve it. i don't. and you're still  so kind. i'm trying to stay happy, though, i swear. i'm just so ashamed of myself. but i'm trying. i hope that's good enough for now.



Depressed Skinny Mess. said...

Sounds like this red is good for you :) He obviously makes you happy so use him as motivation maybe? You have tons of support here, don't forget that! Following your blog now, as i saw you were following mine! Stay strong x

a friend of ana said...

That's so cute! Hope your days get better!! Stay strong and focused! <3

jackie said...

i like red. i think he's good for you.

Sam Lupin said...

i also like red.
as for it, i know how you feel. i've had such a disgusting day. i was so close to slipping up, *hugs you tightly*. ma cherie, you deserve much more than what you think you do. if it had been another person, you would have definitely had no hesitation to tell them and cajole them of their value - i'm trying not to berate myself in that way, and it is hard. it's like resisting the inevitable, the fall of grace.

this battle just tackles from one emotion to the next and it's hard. i understand how hard it is because i know what you mean. the food, the scale, the clothes - it all makes you feel like you're running away from something when you're in a trance, as if you're smashed together into the earth and just want to get this over with but you really don't know what 'it' is. the day is over, the night descends, and you're lost into another world for just a few hours. wake up again to do it all over, but emotion is fickle, and changes as fast as day to night. i promise you i will help you feel better. <3

i hope your insomnia withers away. in my eyes, there is nothing better than falling asleep, and dreaming and escape.

we will escape together. x

yours truly, misssamlupin.
it's all about: escape, love, insomnia, together, promise, lost, dream, haze - perceptive of something a lot like a withering flower on her own <3

becca; said...

awww, that's so cute! and you do deserve all our comments, you are a lovely person and so kind as well :) i hope things start to get better :) xo.

Fat Piggy said...

:) :) This guy sounds like a keeper... Just sayin' :p Xo Xo

Anonymous said...

Everyone deserves kindness; and yes, you, too.

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