i've been locked up in my room for most of the past week, in a desperate attempt to bring myself back to an acceptable level of self-loathing. still waiting for that to work. (most people would say there is no acceptable level. but what do they know?) every once in a while, i'd emerge to find something to nibble on, but then i would return to my room. i hadn't spent any decent time outdoors. in fact, i avoided it as much as i could.

it wasn't too long before i felt sorry for my dog, so i took him for a long(er) walk. bad idea. i ran into my neighbor. she said my skin looked radiant. i'm positively baffled. is that because of the malnutrition, or the lack of sunlight? i decided the risk of running into people was too high, so i stayed inside again. then yesterday, i emerged again, to go visit a friend. bad idea. a random thunderstorm made the trains delayed. i left at one. i didn't get to her house until four. it never takes that long. and then i was trying to secretly plan a surprise party for her with her brother, but that didn't work. it just looked like we were up to something. something she wouldn't approve of. and then i had to leave, so there wasn't much time to plan or fix the situation.

when i got home last night, i thought, "i'm never leaving my room again. outside of my room, bad things are waiting to happen. this is a controlled environment. nothing changes in here." i wasn't factoring in my mother, though, who woke up on the wrong side of menopause today (as usual), and told me how my room smells like dog, and how i smell like dog, and i smell so bad i shouldn't be around people and even my hair smells like dog and how can i live like that and blah, blah, blah. my favorite part was, "why did you eat all the bananas? i thought you didn't want any food from the store. i didn't buy them for you." (i told her i wouldn't eat any more of her precious food.) weird thing is, she's been home all week. she knows i haven't been leaving my room. and i'm obviously not in the best mood. what kind of fucked up mother makes her daughter feel more like shit than she already does?

naturally, i directed all of my anger against myself. again. because that's what i do. does it help? no. why do i do it? i don't know. i think it's just what i do. i suppress my emotions so that everyone else can be happy, even though that means i won't be. and it just makes me hate myself more, because i don't want to, but it's what i'm used to. the more i hate myself, the more i want to keep other people away from me. i don't want people around long enough to find out how sick, twisted and screwed up i really am. but the more i keep people away, the more i want to be near them. and even if i let myself be around other people, i can't stop comparing myself to them. and i fall short every time.

my head hurts.

thank you for trying to cheer me up, by the way. i'm sorry i couldn't. but i did appreciate it.



Rayya said...

:( boo.
Maybe you should just let the dog run around.. and your bound to smell like dog if hes in your room.. my mum has those random days when shes just plain sour and I have to shout at her back. And huni, the outside is the best thing for you although I know how safe the confines of our walls can feel.. I too dont leave the house for days on end only to emerge get freaked out and return to my lair for just as long so I guess I am not really one to be dishing out advice on this matter. All I can say is I love you and I am thinking of you and I hope that somehow you get out of this dark place soon.. <3 xx

Anonymous said...

It's all horrid sometimes, isn't it? And you want to scream and yell at anything and everyone, but then you feel bad - no, worse - because you're a horrid person for blaming other people, and blah blah blah, so you end up hating yourself more, and suddenly everything you're angry at is inside of you, budded deeeeeep inside of you, and then all you know is anger, and sadness.
It's not fair.
I want to sit by you, with your messy hair and your hand in mine, and make things alright.
Even if company is the last thing you want.

I love you, darling.

Things will get better, one day; maybe soon. They have to.


jackie said...

your room really is the safest place. and why would you ever need to leave when there is an abundant world of books sitting piled on the floor?
if only it were possible to crawl inside

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