the suffocating sense of woe.

i hate nights like this. i feel like such a failure.

my sister is always complaining about how she's the only one who goes to school and has a job, as if i wasn't trying to get a job. or as if i could. no one will hire me because i have no job experience, but i can't get any job experience if no one will hire me. i should have known that place wouldn't hire me. i applied once before; they didn't call. just because the manager's different doesn't mean i should have expected any different. and at least if they didn't want to hire me, they could have just told me instead of acting like they would hire me. and now that they haven't hired me, my mother will start complaining about how i don't have a job again. i used to get straight As in school and now i can barely focus during classes. i don't even do most of my homework because i have this fear of being re-labeled as a nerd. but that's stupid, because you have to pay for college. i'm a mediocre musician, i'm a mediocre student, and i'm disgustingly fat. plus whenever i feel bad, something starts my memory going and i have to relive some terrible event from my past. i'm always suppressing my emotions, but that only makes other emotions stronger. i want to get out of my house, and i can't, because i don't want to abandon my pets. i keep rejecting people who like me because i don't want to get hurt, but i end up liking people who reject and hurt me. all of these thoughts-- and sadly, more-- are just swarming together, much like this paragraph. random, but connected and painful.

i don't even know why i left my room. i should just stay in here. until the end of the month. it's not like i need to shower, i'm not going to see anyone. who cares about being sociable. i have everything i need in here. books, music, my cellphone (although it's not like i'd be using it anyway), teddy bears, weights,  paper,  crayons, and diet coke in my closet. like i said before, it's not like anyone notices whether or not i'm around.

i'm sorry i'm in such a low mood. i just hate false hope. and life has been tossing me a lot of that since i was young. it's not like i'm not trying to have a good life. i'm trying. i'm trying my best. but i don't even know what i'm doing wrong. what am i doing wrong?

maybe it's just me. maybe i'm just cursed. 



Rayya said...

hey hey *hey* - come on.. i am hoping you arent cursed,, and i dont think thats likely, (raided any pyramids lately??) life is testing at times but dont let that make you despair.. i know it sometimes feels like whats the point, but i promise you theres a point. i dont know what that point is, but i am sure there is one.. :\ i am not doing well at all with this comment..
* * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

awh hunn, dont compare yourself to your sister, we both have a tough time with it - to my parents (and no doubt to my sister herself) she is a wonderchild; The Golden Girl that can do no wrong.. and me :\ im the chewed up scrags of meat that doesnt quite make the grade for dog food.but you know what, you aint dog food at all <3 i promise.

i hope you feel better.. i used to keep diet coke in my room too in the wardrobe or under the bed until i discovered that the fridge is quite adept at keeping it cold..

love you <3 xx

Rayya said...

and you are not an absolute failure!!!! remove that tag missy x

Broken Wings said...

So sad that you are feeling so low, but you have to believe that you aren't a failure. The time will come for you as well , with jobs it is always like that - I know it from experience. Try to apply for as many as you can and don't think this will bring you the job, think this will bring you an experience of being interviewed. This would make you more settled and you won't blame yourself as much. I am going through that as well at the moment. Although I have the job , but I am trying to find one in different sector , and that's hard. But trying and applying for them wont do a harm, employers can only regret in future that they haven't employ you.
The other thing is you are who you are and there are ppl like you out there, and they are surviving , so will you. And you are not cursed, believe me and believe in your self.

hugs xoxo

Bones said...

Hey, I'm sorry about the job. I know how a "failure' in one part of your life can make you feel like the whole thing is a mess, but that's probably not true. Hang in there, you're worth more than you think. xxx

a friend of ana said...

cheer up girl!! im sure if you put smile on your face and forget about what other people think that your life will change!
that was my goal for the summer and it has been going pretty well! just remember all the good things! dont give up.

Depressed Skinny Mess. said...

Thats exactly how i felt when i applied for jobs, they all want experience, but if no one is willing to give you it...tehn what hope is there?! I'm sorry you're in such a low mood today, i know it's painful.. xx

Nausicaa said...

First of all, wake up. I am having none of this low mood. You will be fine, and you are going to college.

Study. Work hard. You are clever girl, and so I encourage you to look in the mirror...and see your potential. As for getting a job, try going in unpaid and have them train you. If anything, it shows dedication...so much of getting a job relies on, well, getting up and meeting your employers face-to-face.

Thirdly, who gives a flying fuck what everyone else thinks. I can guarantee you, ten years from now, the people who seem to have all these unwanted judgments will be the ones looking at you in awe.

Be that example. Be better than you were yesterday, and do what you have to do to reach your goals. Don't waste time on feelings of failure, instead, allow them to motivate you to do better. Time is very limited, so be wise on how you spend it.

Good luck, and think positive. When you want something, you'll find a way. Believe in yourself, and have hope.


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