9.08.2011

fuck this.

how was my day today? it was shit.

i went to school today, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. i ran into a bunch of people i knew barely ten minutes after i got on campus. a bunch of people who informed me that classes actually started yesterday. so i was like, "oh yeah? it's cool, whatever." but it's actually really bad. whatever.

so i ran into this girl i'm trying to avoid and this girl i'm pretty good friends with. the girl i'm pretty good friends with-- or thought i was, apparently-- was being really weird today. i said i was thinking about getting some pretzels and she was all like, "i only eat fruits and vegetables now, i'm such a serious vegan. and look at this! i drink SO MUCH WATER. i have to use the bathroom in EVERY CLASS." and i'm like, "oh yeah? that's cool. same here, i guess." and then she's like, "and i reallllly want to get into yoga, you know?" my reply was something along the lines of, "that's good. i do yoga. i do at least one hour of stretches every morning." and she looked at me and... pretty much laughed and said, "you? yeah right." but with a smile of course. (because everyone knows as long as you say it with a smile it isn't insulting.)

which is when i was just like, fuck this. 

i mean, i thought i got slimmer. apparently, she didn't. she didn't get any slimmer either, despite her claims of only eating fruits and vegetables and drinking enough water to wash a truck. the good news is, i got two oranges and lost any appetite i had. the bad news is, i feel too fat to function.

i mean, seriously, what the fuck. she's bigger than me too, you know? not just taller, but like, wider too. just when i was beginning to feel a little better. like, i noticed that i had more of a thigh gap when i was changing this morning. that made me feel good. and then i got to school and i felt like shit.

that wasn't even the worst part. even though i saw some people i was really glad to see, i still felt like i didn't fit somehow. i felt like a turtle in a school of fish. i felt like the only glove in a basket of socks. i don't know. i just felt like shit. i feel like shit. i haven't even talked to j today, because yesterday i was feeling like shit and i wanted to talk. but i guess he had a long day at work or something because he didn't have time for it. 

today i had two oranges, a cup of mixed vegetables, ten ritz crackers (160 calories) and a lot of water.

and i want to scratch my legs and chew my wrists and write all over myself with sharpie, but i can't do anything. 

and i hate that when i go back on monday, i'll have to put on this face. the one everyone expects. the happy-go-lucky, slightly insane girl they love. i hate it.

i don't need to worry about eating lunch with my friend, at least. because wouldn't she just love it if i was only drinking water? she'd encourage it!

to top it all off, i got on the scale when i got home and it was higher than it was this morning.

so great. i'm looking forward to another three months of this, four days a week.

i said i wanted to stop complaining, right? so i guess, here's something positive. my cat didn't throw up once today, after an amazing three times yesterday.

oh, and more good news. i don't have school tomorrow. i can spend my weekend getting ready to do it all over again.

i'm so damn excited.

honestly.

4 comments:

Christina said...

I'm sorry to hear the your day was bad. I have a friend like that too. Every week it's something different. This week she's going vegan even though I know that there is beef jerky in her locker. Last week she went on one of those meal replacement diets but apparently the milkshakes were awful. All you can do is nod and smile then shake it off.

Days off are always good, enjoy it. I hope you start feeling a little better soon.

xx

Sam Lupin said...

I hope you start feeling a little better, sweetie. That girl is nothing but a load of crap, I'm sure. I mean, if I ate nothing but fruits and veggies, I'd sure LOOK different if anything. Me suddenly taking up a fruit and veg diet...even if I did, I'd be fasting four days out of seven because fruits and veggies here finish fast for some reason. Gah. Must be the fact that everyone here is always trying to diet and always failing xP.
You can slap her in the end when you end up looking amazingly fabulous ;) and you can't get in trouble for that. People like that only encourage you to show them how YOU can do it. ^_^
I really hope you enjoy your break. Days off are great!!! <3 <3

a friend of ana said...

aw girlie! i hope you feel better. i hate the way people can make you feel so bad. but you can just get skinnier and then flaunt it in her face!
stay strong!!
<3

jackie said...

I bet she did notice you were looking thinner and that's why she said it. and for some reason this quote got into my head- "why do you try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?"
but that's stupid because whoever said that obviously didn't know how it feels to stick out.

you don't have to try and be positive here if you don't want to. here you get to say what you want to say and that's the beauty of it.

stay strong and prove them wrong!
xx jackie

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