i don't care what anybody says, you're beautiful to me.

an old, drunk, homeless man said that to me last week.

did it make me feel better? no.

so last night, my mother happened to pop up behind me and saw my wallpaper, which is a collage of thinspirational quotes. the biggest one said there are none so thin as those who will not eat. i slammed it closed and looked at her, then i realized something.

she really could care less.

so i don't have to worry about eating in front of her. i don't have to lie about why i'm not hungry. i don't have to pick food off the shelf when we're out shopping. i can go back to chewing gum and eating sunflower seeds twenty-four seven.

yeah. my mom is a jerk. she told my cat he was getting fat the other day. my cat is bulemic. don't believe me? i'm completely serious. he throws up his food. he spends most of his time avoiding his food bowl. the only times it's ever empty are when my dog  eats it or when he's finished nibbling through it. he doesn't eat cat treats, he throws them down the stairs. he's actually one of the skinniest house cats i've ever seen. he's lived here for almost three years now and he hasn't gained a pound. in fact, he's lost weight since he came from the adoption center. he was thirty pounds. now he's twenty pounds. and he refuses to gain more weight than that.

that's my cat.

anyway, i doubt it would make a difference to me if anyone said "i don't care what anybody says, you're beautiful to me" because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and i have poor eyesight.

maybe one day my cat and i will be normal.

maybe that would be kind of cool.

but who wants to be normal? normal is boring.



jackie said...

I'm sure your mom cares, even if she has a shitty way of showing it. because once upon a time, you were her gorgeous, precious baby. even if she doesn't remember that as clearly as she once did, don't you ever forget it.

Rachel B. Nutt said...

hahaha, your homeless man quote cracked me up. Good try, hobo!

I had a friend in middle school who said her cat was bulimic, too. Apparently she threw up her food every single day.

I think it when cats throw up, it actually has to do with them ingesting too much of their fur, so their bodies force them to throw it up before it turns into a hairball and kills them. I used to have a pet rabbit, and the vet explained to me that rabbits can't throw up and can die from furballs (which block their intestines), since they groom themselves the same way a cat does, with their tongues. Crazy, eh? But who knows . . . your cat could just be bulimic after all.

And while we're discussing eating disorders, here's some "food" for thought: normal IS boring, but you don't have to be normal to be healthy. eh?

a friend of ana said...

thats crazy about your cat! haha
thats too bad about your mom... but at least you don't have to hide right? i guess mine isn't too much better. i have lost like 14 pounds or so and she hasn't said anything. oh well... thats moms.
stay strong girlie!!

Sam Lupin said...

mothers. i swear. they point out everything to bash your insecurities, kill it, and then throw it all away. mine said i was gaining tons of weight, and that my legs were a pile of fat from lack of exercise, during days i was fasting nonetheless.
poor kitty! i want to huggles the cute thing.
i'm thinking they do care, but as said before, have a shitty way of showing it. she probably will care if you end up seventy pounds - she is after all the person who birthed you, fed you and so and so.
also, some mothers really can be pretty dense. and people around you. my hair falls off, they notice, i lose weight, they notice, they claim my feet look like an anorexic's, father sees how obsessive i am with my food scale - it's a strong indication towards an ed and i've never hidden it. i've never even hidden my fucking diet pills! >_> everyone can be so blind sometimes because all they need to do is take a good look at you sometimes for five minutes and they will figure out that something's off.

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