if it is important to you, you will find a way. if it's not, you will find an excuse.

i don't know who i am anymore.

i look at myself and i think, who is this? this isn't who i am. and then i think, i'm somewhere under there. i just need to find myself. and then i'm lost. then sometimes i ask myself too many questions. and sometimes i don't question enough. sometimes i think too hard. sometimes i don't think at all. i wish there was a middle ground. it's uncomfortable to shift in between opposites so easily. 

but then, you already knew that.

before i go back to my melancholic state, i have to tell you all about this strange habit i've formed. lately, i find myself writing letters. short letters. long letters. letters that make no sense. letters written in numbers. letters to objects. letters to people i know. letters to people i wish i knew. letters to people i wish were dead. letters to people who are dead. letters to people who i wish i never met. letters to people i wish i could meet. letters to myself. i'm considering writing them all in a notebook. i had a notebook like that once, but it was for drawing. now it's corrupted with numbers and pictures of scales. i want this book of letters to be just a book of letters.

it's been a long day. i'm trying to get into the habit of going through a day without reflecting on faults of mine. no luck with that. today it was my ability to be extremely fickle. in high school, i was famous (at least among my friends, or whatever you'd call them) for liking several someones-- any-ones, no-ones, just people-- at the same time. in fact, even now the question they ask me isn't, "how's life treating you?" instead they ask, "so who do you like now?" and i guess i did this to myself. i sometimes get the feeling that if my parents hadn't kept me on such a short leash in high school, many of those crushes wouldn't have stopped there. sometimes i wonder what's stopping me now. maybe a lack of motivation. or maybe it's that whole non-existent self esteem issue.

i love this episode. if you skip to 3:34, you'll get to this really interesting part. she looks in the mirror and can't find what's wrong with her, then realizes her eyelids are fat. (it's irrational, right? but seriously, wouldn't it be gross if you had fat eyelids?) she gets so skinny her bones rattle when she dances. people think she looks perfect, but they laugh at her bones. am i looking into this too much?

i'm going to get back on the water fasting wagon on sunday. my mother finally noticed i haven't had any of my usual vegan protein packed foodstuff. (it's been about two months now. maybe three.) she offered to buy some. i said no. so right now, i'm going to eat some broccoli. maybe.

maybe i'll feign sickness and watch more daria. it seems like the better option, doesn't it.



Karolina said...

I almost always feel that way... as if I'm supposed to find some "real me" buried in there somewhere, as if I'm not asking the right questions, shouldn't be asking questions, ought to be... it's terrible. It's a messy maze.

Bella said...

I once had a poetry book. Or, I still have it. In the end, all it ever was about was being thin, being perfect, losing weight. I never even write poems anymore, which is sad, 'cause I used to be very good at it, and I was pretty admired for that ability. ED took that away from me...

Stay strong girl.
ED is the only thing we've got left...

becca; said...

i love the idea of the letters; i've been thinking of doing the same :)good luck with the water fasting! xo.

Fat Piggy said...

I also have a notebook and I write and draw and go nuts in this thing. Lately it's become a place to unleash a ruthless assault on myself, but hey. I think the idea of a letter notebook is AMAZING. Kurt Cobain used to keep journals like that where he wrote letters and lyrics and drew. I think it is the mark of a creative person, being able to write things down. But then again - we blog. :) :) GOOOOOOOOOOOOd luck with the fast! :) :)

Mia said...

I wish I was that creative!

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