shatter the looking glass.

this theory intrigues me. so much. it's a three part theory.

part one. we imagine how we appear to others.


let's say you've grown up with the same family friends for years. practically your entire life. let's say your friend's mother took to calling you "ugly" as a nickname, not too long after you started junior high. she calls you "ugly" so much that you begin to believe that you are in fact ugly. you imagine you appear ugly to everyone.

part two. we imagine the judgement others may make based on that appearance.


now you know you're ugly. what is it about you that's ugly, though? she never said, she just said you were ugly. maybe it's your hair. so you cut your hair one night, when your self hate has made it impossible for you to sit still. she still calls you ugly. it must be something else then. is it because you wear glasses? maybe. you try contacts. she laughs at you. still calls you ugly. you go through everything you can think of. what could it be? you're ugly, but her daughter isn't... oh. of course. you must be fat. her daughter is twig skinny, although shapeless, virtually hairless, and with discolorations all over her skin. never mind that some people think you're pretty, that you have wonderfully soft hair and great skin for a teenager. you're fat. you're ugly. and that's the first thing people notice about you, obviously.

part three. we develop ourselves through the judgement of others.


she still calls you ugly. you must still be fat. you decide to lose weight. someone else pinches your cheeks one day, tells you they're getting a little fat. you notice that word a lot now when people talk to you. or when people are talking around you. you become obsessed with watching how people eat. the difference between fat people and people who aren't fat. you need to lose weight. it becomes your main thought, all day. you can't even focus on other things anymore. you begin withdrawing into yourself. you still talk to people, but not about things that matter. not the way you used to. you hate yourself now, because people think something's wrong but nothing's wrong and everything's wrong. you can't explain it, it eats you from the inside out. no one notices that you've lost weight. you must still be fat. so you decide to keep losing weight. until you're not fat anymore. until you're so small that everyone notices and no one can say you're ugly.


at least, that's how it was is for me.

that being said, i broke my fast. yes, i could have continued. i wasn't hungry. but this one, i can forgive. one of my best friends is really depressed. his mom is just not taking care of him or herself or anything at all. they don't have water, they don't have food (which makes me wonder how they're even still in the house to begin with), and he hasn't been to school in a while. she even sold his t.v. so we ate something together. i didn't want him to feel ashamed. he's that kind of person that would be embarrassed by having someone get him something to eat. it's like, at least if i eat with him, he won't feel as bad. so we ate a little together. i'm glad at least i didn't binge, mostly because our conversation was too depressing for anything like that.

i'm not giving up on this though. and i'm NOT going to see the scale go up tomorrow. i'm disappointed, yes. but he's one of my closest friends, and i can't see him like this and not try to help. it's heartbreaking. if he hadn't told me, i wouldn't have guessed. if he wasn't so tough, he would have cried. i know i want to. for a lot of reasons.

it always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun.

honestly.