hello hurricane.

this is possibly the greatest experience in the world. listening to a hurricane.

i'm sitting inside and there's this crazy storm outside. my area is prone to flooding when it drizzles so you can be sure that when this blows over, i'm going for a swim. and that's only a partial joke. but only because i can't swim.

i think i lost my mind for a few minutes tonight. i measured myself and then wrote all over my body with sharpie. i haven't done this in years, so it's pretty funny. school starts next week. i think i'm freaking out because of that. i'm not looking forward to seeing all those people again. at the same time, the sooner it starts, the sooner i'll have access to the school gym. you win some, you lose some.

on a completely random note, the lion king is coming out in 3D next month. i almost had an epileptic fit. the lion king is only like, one of my favorite movies in the whole wide world. back to the school thing.

i'm not looking forward to it. at all. i said this, but i have to repeat it. see, this guy i liked a lot, he has this really uncommon name. it's so... uptown. it makes me think of gentlemen with fancy hats and tea cups. although i can't see him associated with gentlemen, fancy hats, or tea cups. anyway, our friendship is like, weird now. the only way it could be any weirder is if i had slept with his parents. or something. and, like everyone who knows me at this school (which is basically everyone), he'll be like, "you're back! we have to sit together." and talk, but not actually have conversations about anything that matters. we had a conversation once that was basically "yeah. totally. mhm. yup." for like, five minutes. that's not as easy as it sounds, i assure you.

at least i'll have aerobic dance. i was really hoping to get gym this year. i'm really flexible too, not that it matters. maybe that's why all this stretching isn't doing much for me. thanks a lot, yoga. i can put the back of my knees on my shoulders and balance on my hands, but i can't shine a flashlight between my thighs. at least the whole "grunge" thing will be helpful. i don't think anyone will notice how much weight i'm losing if i'm wearing overalls and plaid. where was i going with this?

oh yeah, there's a hurricane outside. irene. not a very scary name, in my opinion. if i was lighter, i'd be terrified about going outside. but i feel reckless. if my mother wasn't awake right now, i'd probably do something impulsive like... doing jumping jacks on the sidewalk in the rain. just for the heck of it.

and since i can't sleep at all tonight, and typing this didn't make me feel sleepy at all, i'm going to do some more yoga. maybe that'll help.

i'll be sure to play bad eighties music, britney spears, nsync, backstreet boys and some aaron carter while i'm doing it.

don't tell anyone, but i still love aaron carter. well, his old music. that's where it's at. i watch popstar on occasion. it's a movie that would be bad, if not for him singing in it. seriously. aaron carter. gotta love him.

honestly.

there's such a chill.

today is one of the scariest days i've had all year.

i went to visit that charming stranger with the blue eyes and ended up not going through with that (because i'm a total chicken and i felt like a stalker, even though he said to visit sometime). but anyway, i sat on this bench near a hot dog stand and i was reading a book. the rain was falling, everything just felt a bit mysterious. unreal. a squirrel ran up to some people sitting near me, looked at them expectantly. i knew without a doubt that something wasn't right. the squirrel wanted a piece of a hot dog. they didn't notice it. or what amounts to the same thing, they ignored it. so like, this squirrel moves behind my bench. i thought it was cute. i didn't want to scare it, so i waited a few seconds before turning around.

only to see the squirrel gripping a small bird (maybe a starling? i don't know what they're called) by the neck and biting into it. it broke the bird's wings and killed it. that's not normal, i know. what's even worse is that the squirrel proceeded to feast on the bird, barely a stone's throw away from me. sickened, and feeling slightly nauseous, i came home and went to sleep on the floor.

when i woke up, my mom was asking for the computer, so i gave it to her. i came on the computer to read some blogs and found a distressing suicide letter written by Bonjour Bones ! i really hope she's okay.

i really, really want her to be okay. maybe it's not too late, so just drop her a line. just something. 


even if it's just "hang in there." i don't know.

if there's one thing we can give her, it's support. i think it's the least we can do.

honestly.

insomnia. fun, fun, fun.

i've had insomnia since i was like, seven. it comes and goes, i've noticed. i know i've had it since i was seven, because i can remember laying in bed, pretending to be asleep until everyone else was. then i would get out of bed and sit on a chair by the window, staring at the moon. maybe that's why i'm a lunatic. (harhar. english humor.) as i got older, though, i found other things to do. like reading books with flashlights under the blankets. or, like tonight, watching movies i stumble upon accidentally. the film-- whip it. the actress-- ellen page. the accident-- devo. just kidding. i love that song.

my friend is in love with her. i don't blame him. she's pretty freaking cool. i'm not just saying that because we were both born on the same day (february twenty first), or because she's from nova scotia (which is the most amazing place in canada, ever). i just love the roles she plays and the way she thinks. i don't know her, though, so i could be wrong. but as far as i know, she's a pretty awesome lady.

anyway, thanks to this movie, i'm thinking about my old hobby. roller skating. i'm one of the most impulsive people in the world, so i'm not sure about this. my fear of clowns and obsession with juggling fruit led me to get a unicycle. a unicycle that i can ride, yes, but seriously- what the hell do i do with it? roller skating is probably smarter. people won't look at you like you're growing a second head if you do it in public. i used to be the best skater on my block, as far as i know. probably because no one else did it. maybe i'll be normal for a change.

anywho, here come the bad habits. got pumped full of iron rich food, hit the reject button and got rid of it. in retrospect, it really did nothing for me. but there was a sick sort of satisfaction in it. that reminds me. something happened yesterday. i tricked my mom into getting on the scale and it said 132.6. (see? i can use numbers like regular people.) i told her i was one-eighteen and she laughed. really. it started with pffft and went right into snickers. and i'm not talking about those delicious little calorie bombs. she said i apparently "can't be because you're big boned like your aunt." just so you know, any sentence with me,  a simile and  my aunt is not a good sentence. of course, by then i had eaten. which didn't make me feel better. but it's fine. she'll see how big my bones are eventually. two weeks, hopefully. and i'm getting the supplements. good idea. <3 i should be one-seventeen by friday, at least. and then my next goal weight is one hundred. cheers.

now back to semi-cheerful things. i decided to do my back to school clothes shopping from salvation army thrift stores this year. why, you ask? even if you didn't,  i'll tell you anyway. first of all, i get more for less. seriously. i paid four dollars for a hoodie that cost eight times that much. and the money goes to help people who need it. so i can donate to myself and the salvation army at the same time. i think over the summer, i might have used up my girly reserves. so i'm probably going to end up dressed like kids from nineties shows. grungy. i don't object to this at all. grunge is totally comfortable. and it fits me. slap bracelets, butterfly clips, nineties pride all the way. the sad thing is, sometimes when people donate clothes, they do look pretty grungy. lumberjack shirts and shirts with holes. (if you ever donate clothes, make sure you're not just throwing away. donate something that you'd wear.)

so there you have it. sorry about not posting as much. i've been watching old nineties shows (clarissa explains it all, freaks and geeks, my so-called life, doug, etc.), old eighties movies (say anything, some kind of wonderful, better off dead, happy together, etc.), and reading books. writing songs too. plus, since my puppy chewed my ipod charger and i'm in a frugal mood, i'm back to my good ol' cd player.

THAT'S RIGHT. NO SHAME IN IT.

it actually fits with the whole nineties kid thing i'll be doing, so it's fine. i can see it now. marble notebooks and number two pencils. an eraser shaped like a nose. horribly outdated slang. messy hair and oddly arranged outfits. i'll be the weirdest kid on campus.

so basically, nothing's going to change.

honestly.

code blue.

i really hope my iron levels aren't crap, because i am totally not enjoying the breathing patterns that are going on right now. but that's not important. (well it is, but it's not that important.)

on a brighter note! i totally slipped into a pair of my old jeans. slipped in. not wriggled, not 'somehow managed to squeeze myself,' i slipped in. effortlessly.

on an even brighter note, today is day five. was day five. only sixteen days left. you know, unless my health really is in bad shape. at which point, i'll have to eat some spinach. or anything else with lots of iron. of course, i'll have to figure this all out tomorrow, because i'm supposed to be starting a group water fast on wednesday. for two weeks. so either i break my fast and then restart it (which i ALREADY DID once) or i just go straight through this like a boss and hope i don't die.

i like the second option, but that's just blind optimism.

so even if i break my fast, i think i'll still be okay. i'm only one pound from my goal weight, so i should be fine.

it's not like i'm gonna gain fifty pounds in one day. at the same time, i'm not going to get enough iron in one day to make up for all the iron i'm probably lacking.

whatever happens, i'll do my best to stay alive.

honestly.

we'll see what happens.

it's only day three. and i feel like i could keep going for days.

but it looks like i might have to end my water fast earlier (much earlier) than expected. iron defincies and stuff. basically, it's been "that time of the month" for like, fifteen days. (not normal.) so either i get my levels back to normal or i go to the doctor and get my blood tested. which might lead to questioning. and problems.

i had to wear a coat today, i was freezing. and it's like eighty-two degrees out. talk about suspicious. not that my mom was. but the rest of my family was. definitely.

i'll try to keep fasting. but if my mom calls the doctor, i'm definitely not going to be able to.

i'm so disappointed.

honestly.

burger and fries? i think not.

my day is over. as of six o' clock. at six o' clock, i will retreat into my mind and become the introspective girl my mother loves. mainly because my day was so good that i don't want to forget it. i'm going to go over it in my head. over and over, until it's imprinted on my brain.

i'm going to tell you about it too. because i think it's one of those rare special moments in an otherwise tragic life that everyone can enjoy.

WARNING: this post is hella long. seriously. i'm not even going to reread this. i clicked preview. that's good enough. so like, i won't hold it against you if you skim down and get the general idea of what happened. <3

about two days ago, my friend- we'll call her clingy, because she is- called me and asked me to take her to central park. (oh, by the way, i live in new york. surprise!) so yeah, i said okay, whatever. apparently she had never been there. until today. so today, i met up with her even though i was tired and really considered cancelling. not like i could've cancelled. she called me about one hour before we were supposed to meet up and said something about a chance of rain. i said whatever and went to meet her.

mood-- tired.

we got on the train. she was loud (unfortunately, i swore honesty and here it is) and completely obnoxious. in my opinion. i try to have quiet conversations on the train, since sometimes people like to catch a nap before work. it's called being considerate. a word i'll have to teach clingy sometime. she told me- and everyone else on the train- all about this guy who blahblahblah. and how they blahblahblah. but now she's blahblahblah and blahblahblah. she also said something about how he sent her a text and said blahblahblah. while she's talking, a girl gets on the train, really skinny. lovely collarbones, thin legs, the whole nine yards. something similar to envy curls up in my stomach and takes the place of hunger. fills me with a sort of mad determination. (mad as in crazy. crazy as in...me.) i look back and my friend and nod in all the right places, huff, sigh and roll my eyes until we get to seventy-second street.

mood--determined. but mainly tired.


she sees an urban outfitters store and we go inside and look around. basically waste fifteen minutes. i don't have a problem with the store, it's just not my style. no offense if you do like it. we go back outside and i lose all sense of direction and we walk parallel to central park for about twenty minutes. i finally ask a stranger where it is. just make a right and go straight, he says. three blocks, he says. you can't miss it, he says. two out of three were correct. it was at least ten blocks. good exercise though. my friend asks me to slow down. i was walking fast, yes. burning calories and such. she laughs and says "i guess i'm the fat kid." i don't debate with her. although she appears to be somewhat skinnier than me, i appear to be healthier. we finally reach central park. she buys snapple, i buy vitamin water. by the time she's finished her snapple, i'm barely halfway through my drink. i chug it quickly to not make her feel awkward. we've been walking for at least one hour by now. she says she's hungry and wants to go to the shake shack. as the native new yorker, i'm expected to lead the way. so i do.

mood-- energized. and bored.


she starts talking about the guy again and i'm looking all over, trying to find something interesting. don't think poorly of me, i just didn't want to hear the story again. suddenly, i find something interesting. a young doorman, sitting on a stool outside an apartment complex. without thinking, i say hi.

me-- how are you?
him-- not bad. and yourself?
me-- pretty good, pretty good.

end of conversation, right? wrong-o! i start walking away again, only to hear him say "guitar!" at which point i turn around and my memory comes rushing back. about two months ago, my friends and i had been in central park, in the same area. i had my guitar then, and i was singing for them. (i like to pretend i'm a professional sometimes.) anyway, this guy suddenly pops up with the cutest dog in the world. a dog i took a picture of. look at him, so cute.

it's a labradoodle and dog's name is atticus, the guy tells us. (yes, i took a picture of a stranger's dog. so sue me.) the guy notices i have a guitar and asks for me to sing something. since my fan base is relatively small, i seize the moment and sing a semi-crappy version of "i will survive." yes, embarrassing. but he liked it. it was fun. that day. i didn't get his name then, anyway. although i did fall in love with the dog. which wasn't even his dog, but back to the story.

so it turns out that this is the guy. being a doorman and stuff. and i'm excited and i shriek, "atticus!" which isn't his name, but shows that i remember him. we have a conversation- which is more than clingy and i did ALL DAY- and we finally exchange names. (and nothing else.) he asks me about school and stuff and openly displays shock at my being in college. he thought i was possibly in high school because of all my energy. (i look younger than i am. it's a blessing and a curse.) during our conversation, clingy is standing far off, on the phone with her mother. he notices that she's a bit impatient and says i should probably go, but that i know where he is now. which is just another way of saying i hope i see you again. (right?!) so i walk away, a skip in my step.

did i mention he was cute? because uhm, he was cute. he had these like, eyes. and this face. and his voice was like, wow. but his eyes, mainly. they were like, a crystallized sort of blue. imagine you took a diamond and looked at the sea through it. or the sky on a warm summer day. it would be around that color.

mood- effervescent. bubbly. i'm a freaking can of ginger ale and i'm all shook up.

we get her food, she eats. i don't, of course. even though she shows me a vegan burger (that was drool-worthy) and suggests i get fries. (day two of water fasting. too early to cave in.) she says i'm weird because i'm happy. i say i'm happy because i ran into someone i met before. since we're still on the same street and just a hop, skip and a jump away from where this guy is working, i attempt to lead us back to his door. unfortunately, she's not into it. NEVER MIND THE FACT THAT I WASTED MY LIFE BRINGING HER TO CENTRAL PARK. AND OF COURSE SHE WOULDN'T REMEMBER ALL THOSE TIMES I TOOK HER TO MANHATTAN. because those are just minor details. so i give up, and we start heading back, looking for stores. i buy a pack of tic tacs and suck on them angrily. all of them.

mood- deflated. she popped my balloon.


as we wander aimlessly, i think about how i'm already (virtually) taken, and all the time i've spent with this guy. i have one of those moments where my allegories- good and bad- are on my shoulder and we're having a three way conversation. the good one states that the guy i'm with has told me he loved me more times than i could count. the bad one says that it means nothing, since i'm still not his girlfriend. the good one retorts that i don't even know this guy, sitting in uniform, remembering who i am. the bad one laughs and says that's why i should get to know him. at this point, i'm giving in to the dark side. i scribble his name in my notebook and tell my friend it's time to go home.

mood- determined. why? who knows?


before i go home, i stop at a thrift store i frequently go to and head toward the books section. like i always do. there, on the shelf is a book of william butler yeats's poetry. this guy wrote the poem the cat and the moon, which is where i first encountered the name minnaloushe which is what i named my guitar! the guitar i was playing when i met this guy! the guitar that led him to me. i'm totally reading into this more than i should. and making you read more than you should. unless you skimmed. in which case, GO BACK AND READ IT.  ALL OF IT. how dare you.


but anyway, to make a long story... end, i'm totally going back there. without clingy. with someone who wouldn't leave me while i'm trying to talk to a random cute guy who thinks i'm cool. or might just be a fan of my music. yes, it's more than slightly unfair to the guy who said he loves me and then moved shortly after, but variety is the spice of life. and i'm fickle. c'est la vie.

damn. this was a long post. sorry about that.

note to self: writing out events of full day-- bad idea.

honestly.

to my favorite internet friend.

to my fraternal twin,

we're practically family now. isn't that weird? i know more about what's going on in your life than people i've known for years. i'm glad we're friends. the whole twin thing started off a joke, didn't it? but it was a bit like talking to a mirror. you were in a band and i was planning on being in a band. you liked pokemon and i loved pokemon. our cats looked pretty much the same. you had a dog and i wanted one. we liked the same music. we both loved old cartoons. and you were born the day after me. but yet, we're still different enough to not be boring. i guess it's just natural that we became such good friends.

but if that's all that was needed to make friends, the world would be a better place. i guess we became so close because we're both good listeners, something our friends lacked. you listened to me complain about all the pressure i felt was on me, and i listened to you complain about your manipulative bipolar (now ex-) girlfriend. you listened to my stories about all the strangers i talked to, and i listened to your stories about your family. you listened to anything and everything, and i did the same for you.

anyway, duditz, you've almost got me convinced that canada isn't the crappy place i've imagined it to be for so long. maybe one day we'll be neighbors. but that's just blind optimism. and isn't that your area of expertise? just kidding. even though you're canadian (i'm saying it like it's a bad thing, just for you), you're one of my favorite people. not an easy feat, and yet you managed it.

you're pretty cool, mister. and yes, i will be juggling on a unicycle at your (and sarah's) wedding. but only because you deserve nothing less.

you said we'd probably be friends forever. we will.

becuase you're definitely a friend worth around keeping that long.

honestly.

logic 101.

good morning! looks like it's a great day for using my brain, something i've neglected to do for quite some time. that means it's also a great day for being snarky. maybe i'll toss some sarcasm in there too. according to one of my favorite professors, there are four levels of sarcasm. levels one, two and three, and negative sarcasm. level three is hard to get to, since you need cultural references and such to make it so convoluted that only a person on your level of intelligence could get it. and negative sarcasm is when you're being sarcastic in a subtle way. very subtle. so subtle, in fact, that someone should take you seriously. but i'm getting off topic. logic. i'm going to try this. i can do it. okay.

what's on the agenda for today?

i don't know, why don't we go to the library?

good idea. i have to pick up some books anyway.

we should probably go to the library on the other side of the city.

you mean the one that takes two hours to get to?

that's the one! while we're at it, how about putting more books on hold and having them go there, instead of somewhere closer?

so instead of going to the library that's only a twenty minute walk from my house and having books go there, i'd be wasting four hours of my life underground?

in theory, yes. you know, you always say you never like that library because it's too small.

the irony is that the library that's two hours away is the smallest in the city.

but it's nicer, so let's go there.

makes sense to me.

the sad part is that my train of thought was exactly like that. so there you have it. my plan for today is to go to the library. and then come back home and wait for my package again. 

a friend of ana -- it's a book. three books, actually, but they're being shipped from different places. if they all came today, i'd be happier than a raccoon with a chocolate chip cookie, but that's just wishful thinking. and shel silverstein actually inspired me to start drawing. which is probably why my drawings are mostly popular with people under fifteen. and tattoos are cool :) i've wanted sleeves since i was about, thirteen. but if i ever got an mri, it would hurt like hell. saw your designs, by the way. you're a good artist ^^

Jackie -- i really hope my mother and i get along too, haha. i'm glad you had fun reading, too. also, i wish i could fast like jesus. forty days? so intense. 

crash -- she IS totally unreasonable. and don't worry, i call her a crazy old bat all the time. although i suppose that's not really helping to fix our... "relationship." mother-daughter bonds and whatnot.

Elliot Macleod-Michael -- thank you! and shel silverstein sure has a way with words.

Jen :) -- haha, i hope your boyfriend likes teddy bears. ^^

Christina -- sorry to hear that. i hope you feel better too. <3

restarting my water fast. since i crumbled like a year old cookie. (what's up with me and cookies today?) i'm also going to put it in my food diary, which i didn't before. i didn't see the point, but maybe it'll help. today is day one. *throws confetti* would've started yesterday if not for the tofu. (it's always tofu....) i think i'm going to aim for my lucky number- twenty one. with the amount i'll be reading, i doubt i'll have time to eat anyway. i'm a bibliophile, so i can't eat and read at the same time. who knew that would come in handy one day?

i'm going to reward myself. if i can last for twenty one days, i'm going to get THIS. that's the purest form of motivation. 

jeff buckley. 

i named my dog after him. i listen to him everyday. and i own most of the recordings he did.

but i'm not obsessed. 

honestly.

fluffy clouds and sky.

feeling a bit better today. partly because i snuggled with my old teddy bear last night. (i did say i enjoy familiarity every once in a while, right?) i've had this snoopy plush since i was barely three years old. you wouldn't believe me if i told you i had to fight to keep him. that's how special he is. *feels like a baby* but anyways. thanks for the support. took a while to sink in, but it really helped.

i've spent most of today re-reading my favorite books, listening to music, looking at thinspo, and drawing a little bit in my journal. it comes out looking really childish.  i've been drawing things like mermaids with lovely ribs. bunnies with carrots saying, "mmm, negative calories." girls in catsuits who remind me to eat no evil. i found scented nail polish in my house and gave myself a mini-manicure. my nails smell like a strawberry sundae and sparkle from the glitter. they make me smile. ^^ i'm also watching the mailbox, waiting for a package. hopefully it comes today.

my mom and i had one of those physically draining verbal fights last night. i reminded her that she said i could join the gym after i registered and she said something like, "is that why you registered? so you could join a gym?" it was definitely on the list of reasons why i stopped procrastinating, but i wasn't going to admit that. anyway, i said no and repeated that i still wanted to join. she started yelling and i stopped talking. no sense in wasting energy. then she said something about me ruining my future or something, and i totally flipped out. caught her off guard. she didn't say anything for the rest of the night. or this morning. maybe that's why i'm feeling better too. peace is always relaxing.

a friend of ana -- i'm pushing through as best as i can. bit like running through a tar pit, but i'm getting there. thanks for the boost. :)

mich -- it has to be the moon. and i'm fabulous? o: haha, thanks! so are you! <3

christina -- mothers... i'm trying to not let it get to me. some days are just worse than others, i guess. thanks for the support. <3

seriously, guys, thanks a lot. by the way, i'm back on track. it's not like i gained a stone or anything. and what goes up must come down, right? (fuck you, scale.) i was reading some shel silverstein earlier. where the sidewalk ends is one of my favorite books by him. and the only one i own, haha. came across this really groovy poem. i'm going to write out the first part, decorate it and put it on my wall somewhere. you can read the whole thing if you want.

poor angus.

oh what do you do, poor angus,

when hunger makes you cry?

"i fix myself an omelet, sir,

of fluffy clouds and sky."

vegans don't eat eggs, you know. and i think i used to enjoy omelets very much. almost as much as pizza. i'll have to try that recipe later. it sounds delicious. and very low-cal, too! haha, the strawberry scented nail polish fumes must be getting to me.

but i don't mind.

honestly. 

i dug a hole so deep i'm gonna drown in my mistakes.

i feel like a lot of things right now.

i feel like a failure. maybe it's the inability to live up to people's expectations of me, or my inability to be what i want to be. maybe days and weeks and months and years of my mother saying it have finally sunk in. or maybe i finally decided to admit it. maybe it's because no matter how good i am at anything, i'll never be perfect at it. and perfect is all my mother will accept, it seems. the amount of self-loathing at this moment is so pathetic, that even my cat has glanced at me in pity and silently left the room. my dog has stopped whining. perhaps he realizes it wouldn't do him any good.

i feel like a bitch. one of my oldest friends- maybe not the best of friends, but friends anyway- told me her mother died today. she basically said, "remember when i said i couldn't help you when your dad died and you needed to talk? well, my mom died." that said a lot of things to me. like, i can't be there for you when you need it, but you're supposed to be my friend, so get moving. plus when i got this text from her, i was trying to figure out how long i could work out at the gym and not look suspicious. and i know i shouldn't think like this, you know? it's not easy for her. but i feel like whenever i need my friends, they're- preoccupied? unavailable? almost as if they can't talk about things that matter unless it affects them. that doesn't apply to all of my friends. the ones who understand are so dear to me. but so few.

i feel guilty. my mother blames me if the house is dirty. she blames me if she can't find something. she blames me for her gray hair. today she blamed me for her bank account being practically empty. she said mine was empty too. i need a job. so she can't blame me for being a free-loader. she blames me about our high cellphone bill. of course, my sister was the one who decided she wanted a blackberry and needed mommy dearest to pay it for her. not to mention she's responsible for seventy-five percent of the bill every month. yet somehow, things like that are overlooked. my father wasn't lying when he told me she didn't like me. that may sound weird, but i'm glad he was honest with me when i was... five? maybe six? years old.

i'm suffocating in my self-pity. my memories are rising up from the graves i buried them in. i can't close my eyes, i still see it. i can't blast music, i still hear it. i can't get rid of what's inside my head. i can't make it stop. all i can do is grip the sides of my head and wait for it to be over. just playing the waiting game.

i'm liking my week so far. it was bad on sunday, got worse yesterday and today it has boiled into a bubbling puddle of shit. i recognize this a lot better than all the sunshine and rainbows i've been seeing. i enjoy new experiences, but there's something to be said for familiarity. i can't escape it.

maybe i'll do what my cat does and stare silently at people until everything's better.

there goes that gym membership. there goes a lot of things. i ordered some used books from amazon recently (because i'm cheap like that) and my mom took one out of the mailbox today.

"did you order textbooks?"

let me tell you what you want to hear and not bury myself any deeper in shit. "yeah." 

"oh. because we really don't have money."


maybe you should've fucking thought about that before you paid some lazy ass guy to build a shitty fence that broke in less than four months. maybe you should've fucking thought about that before you had 'one of your cousins' repaint the rooms i had already painted. he did a good damn job, didn't he? leaving the blue tape on so long that when we peeled it off, the paint came off too. maybe you should've fucking thought about that before you decided to pay for tickets for you and your favorite daughter- who could've paid for herself- to go to jamaica. maybe, just maybe, you should've thought about all this shit before you let it happen. maybe you should've fucking stopped and listened to someone who can actually think rationally when she fucking has to, mom. instead of always thinking that you're the adult and you've got shit under control. because you obviously don't. and now we're broke. "i know."

my mind is slipping away from me.

honestly.

i failed.

so i ate. i caved in. and after i ate, my stomach felt heavy, disgusting and uncomfortable. my hands clenched in fists. why did i ruin it like that? it wasn't worth it. i was almost there. it wasn't worth it. and now, with my legs pulled up to my chest and my head on my knees, i can't go back in time and fix that idiotic second i let the first piece hit my tongue. i used my morning after pill, a small blue exlax. maybe that'll help. who knows. that's the last time i'm eating for this month. the last time. the weight of this guilt is so overwhelming that i can barely sit up straight. i'm slouching. my doctor would not be happy if she could see me now. i can't eat again this month. i betrayed my body. i'm spending the rest of today doing some intense exercise, joining that gym, and not eating. i didn't even finish the food, you know? i put the rest in the back of the fridge. i'm gonna throw it out. at least now my mom will think i've been eating. not that she gave a shit about that anyway.

when i stepped on the scale, it said, you treacherous bitch. how could you do this? we were so close. we were so fucking close and you ruined it. and i can't deny that it's the truth. the scale never lies.

haha. i haven't fucked up this badly since i brought a dog home while my mom was on vacation. you know what? maybe i just won't eat until school starts again. that's the eighth of september. after what happened a few hours ago, i don't think i'll give in again. and if i ever feel like it, i can read this. sorry i let you down too, girls. a moment of weakness. (is this what eve felt like? i hope the fruit was at least low-calorie.)

maybe i should've put some fucking duct tape on my lips.

maybe i will.

honestly.

lucky me.

today would've been just a normal day if not for the fact that my mother almost burned down our house this evening. i'll give you a quick retelling of what happened. she came home and immediately put rice on the stove to cook. i reminded her that we had to go somewhere about thirty minutes after she started cooking because the rice would, in theory, be done by then. she rushed me out of the house, yelling about how i should've reminded her earlier and sped off. a few hours later, while we were still out, she suddenly freaks and tells me we have to go, screeching that the house could be on fire. we speed down the highway until we get home- surprise, it's not on fire. i open the door and the house is full of smoke. she left the fire on beneath the rice. i'm trying to find my cat, because i know my puppy's okay, and she goes to the kitchen, turns the stove off, gets a fork, and says, "This rice tastes delicious."

"This rice tastes delicious."


she almost destroyed our house and all she could think about was eating the rice? really? i'm annoyed. and i feel like eating now. if it wasn't past six, i would probably have broken this fast. i'm not sure if i care about that actually. we'll see what happens. i don't know why i want to eat. i just do. it's so pathetic. the only other thing keeping me out of the kitchen is the smoky scent. but barely.

i knew i should've stayed home today.

honestly.

to my ex-crush.

dear tino,

i'm sorry i told you i liked you. if i had known it would make things so awkward on your side, i wouldn't have done it. i thought we were totally perfect together. everyone else thought we were too. i mean my friends. i don't even think your friends considered it.

even though we don't really talk that much anymore (which will make seeing you when school starts again that much more fun), i'm glad we spent that time together. even if you didn't like me, i thought- and still think, to a certain degree- that you're an amazing person. you know how sometimes you like someone and then you realize they're losers? well, i wish i could say that about you. i mean, the only flaw i can think of is that you're a complete narcissist. did that make me echo?

anyway, i'm also glad i came to your band's gig after i told you i liked you. i meant it when i said you looked like an angel playing the guitar onstage. the restaurant was mostly dark, with the light shining mainly on you, even though you weren't even the lead singer. i couldn't have taken my eyes off of you then anyway.  i hope you don't let it get to you. i mean, i'm taken now anyway, so don't ruin our friendship, okay? i don't have many friends who love bjork as much as we do.

if you had told me you liked me too (which many of our friends are still saying you do), and we had ended up together, you would've realized how perfect we were together. now we'll only be friends. you only have yourself to blame.

when i see you in a few weeks, i want you to give me a hug like we used to. i want to listen to music together and play air guitar like we used to. i want us to laugh like we used to. i want us to ride my unicycle together. i want us to be friends again. i miss you. even if we aren't friends in the same way, i'm glad we met anyway.

i liked you from the first second i saw you, by the way. it wasn't because you were in a band, or because you had a classic name. i liked you even more after we talked. i liked you for you. not your looks. not that you're bad looking. and i don't blame you for not liking me back, tino. if i was a guy, i would want my girlfriend to be skinnier than me. when school starts, i hope i'm smaller than you. i want you to think of all the possibilities that could've happened and didn't. i want you to suffer a little too. i know it sounds mean, but i think you deserve it.

don't feel too bad, though. you're still one of the cutest guys i know.

honestly.

to a stranger.

dear stranger,

it's probably been so long that you don't remember me. but for some unhealthy, obsessive reason, i remember you. it was about four years ago, i guess. we were on the train. i got on first and was standing around. you got on a few stops after me. but i didn't notice you then. i got a seat before you and after the train cleared out a bit more, there was a seat next to me. and a seat next to a much prettier girl (in all honesty) across from me. you looked at me, down at the space, and back at me. good thing i was staring at you, right? you sat down- beside me- and i tried to keep from smiling to myself, even though my face was heating up. (i hope you didn't notice, seriously.) you were reading from a book called "the harry truman show" and didn't take your eyes off of it again. (i looked in it, it looked like a script. was it?) our legs were touching. even after the bench had more room, our legs were still touching. my heart was beating so fast and loud, i was afraid you would hear it. when you got up to get off the train at seventy-fifth street, you got to the door, looked back and smiled. then you walked away.

that was the first time i had ever taken that train home from school. i took it as often as i could every day of that school year. sad, right? but you looked so cool. when i got home, i thought of all the professions you could possibly have. i imagined you were an actor. i imagined you were an aspiring playwright. i had so many ideas about you, and i didn't even know your name.

for months after that day, every story i wrote had a character that looked oddly similar to you. even now, i can still vaguely remember what you looked like. you had a well set jaw and slightly larger than medium sized almond shaped eyes. dark brown eyes. intense, or so it seemed to me. you were barely taller than me. maybe by two inches. barely. i remember the name i gave you too. minnaloushe. it isn't a very common name, but then, i felt like you were a rare person. which i guess, you were.

i don't know if you even live here anymore. or if you did to begin with. but thanks for making me feel better that day. you probably thought it was just a small act, or did it because we were sitting next to each other. i don't know. but my day had been complete and absolute crap until you smiled at me.

you know what else? i named my guitar minnaloushe. maybe i'm subconsciously hoping that if i become famous then i'll see you again.

i haven't taken that train in a while, or passed that stop. sometimes i hope our paths cross again, and sometimes i'm glad it was a one time thing. you seem so much more mysterious. if i had realized you were human, i probably wouldn't have remembered you this long.

i'm not even sure why i do remember you or the details of that thirty minute train ride so well. but it's one of my favorite memories. thanks a lot, louie.

if only there were more strangers like you.

honestly.

a storm is brewing.

it's been raining here. all day long. thunder? booming. lightning? blinding. rain? never ending. so with nothing better to do, i decided to help my aunt (the nurse) with this "free health clinic" thing that she was practically in charge of. it was a bad idea.

they had like, zero clients because of all the rain (which blocked a highway and expressway, or so i hear) and so they had a few of us stragglers as guinea pigs. i had to do all these health tests. guess which one was first? bmi. oh boy. they asked me to get on the scale. when i got on (fully clothed plus my sneakers, might i add) it said one-twenty-six.

one-twenty six. what. the. fucking. fuck.

i tried to explain feebly that i had weighed myself as one-seventeen point eight just a few hours ago from the comfort of my home, but the woman gave me that "yeah, and i'm a fucking supermodel" look. then she added "even with your clothes, one-twenty six? that's a bit of a stretch." but she "agreed" to put it at one-twenty. which wasn't much better. then she was all like, "oh my, eighteen? this chart for bmi starts at twenty." so she asked someone what to do. they said just go with the twenty to thirty age group for me. which i said, but she ignored. (fucking "adults" that can't do their jobs. pain in the ass.) so she looked at the chart and came to the conclusion that i was morbidly obese. (i'm not even sure she really LOOKED at me once.) she called across to the doctor, "IT SAYS MORBIDLY OBESE. I'M NOT SURE THIS CHART WORKS FOR HER." doctor jogs over, looks at the chart. "no, that's for males. if anything, she's on the low side of normal weight." by this time, i'm completely embarrassed, not to mention i feel like a fucking hippo. next table, i APPARENTLY have no blood pressure (because someone doesn't know how to use modern technology). the blood cholesterol checking lady hates me (because i'm not afraid to speak up to her) and she squeezes and stabs my finger for a drop of blood. i could've just slit my wrists and given it to her at that point.

by the time i was done, i was just ready to curl up in a ball.

AS IF THAT WAS ALL THAT HAPPENED.

blood glucose checking lady was nice. i think her name was sherry. or something. she asked me when i ate last. i couldn't lie to her, she was so sweet. so i told her the truth, that i was fasting and have been since the ninth. unfortunately, my aunt (may have) overheard. and one of my best friends. so i go to the car and turn on some jeff buckley, which always helps in rainy weather, and he pops up near the door and taps on the window.

he repeats "let me in, come on" until i actually let him in. he looks at me for a few seconds before saying, "what are you fasting for?" i make up some bullshit reason. he doesn't buy it. "you don't need to fast, you'll end up looking like k-." k- is the girl i mentioned before with the picture and the slideshow and blahblahblah. SHE got on the scale with her bag and clothes and it said she was one-thirteen. she took her bag off and was one hundred and six pounds. she's like, five eight. they concluded that she was underweight. and she was sad about that. (i wanted to say something like, don't give me another reason to not want to be near you.) she's not even really "skinny" looking, it's kind of like she's absurdly shaped. i can't explain it. whatever. anyway, i told him when i'd stop fasting. then he said "don't fast for that long, you'll die." and he was so sadfaced that i would've eaten then just to make him feel better, but something in me wouldn't let me do that. make myself unhappy for someone else? not this time.

so i kicked him out of the car. felt like shit afterwards. did apologize to cheer him up but it didn't help me feel better.

i wrote i hate myself all over a page in my notebook. i still feel so fat. i was starting to feel better since i've almost reached my goal of one-seventeen pounds, but now i feel like i do weigh one-twenty six, you know? i look in the mirror and i see one-twenty six. and i know he'll be totally heartbroken every time i reject food, but i can't help it. i'm such a fat ass. i mean, i'm sitting on my ass right now, writing this. and if it wasn't still raining, i would be outside, running until i was ready to pass out.

i wrote something else in my notebook.

i won't stop until i'm lighter than air. or dead.


i don't mean dead literally, but metaphorically. i feel dead right now. dead weight. taking up too much space. goddamn. i might extend my fast for another week. what i really wish i could do is extend my fast for another three weeks. but i don't want to push it. because my aunt would take me to her hospital and be my nurse. she's protective like that. maybe i might just fast as long as i can. i don't know.

a lot of shit happened today that pissed me off, but mainly all that stuff i mentioned. this is gonna be a great week. especially since we're due for more rain tomorrow, and the day after...

i can't wait.

honestly.

who loves the sun.

i thought yesterday would never end. it seemed like as soon as i woke up, i jumped right into action. chicken with its head cut off. that was me. but anyway, at least it's all over now. i didn't have to reject food and i had an endless supply of water bottles so it was nice in its own way. i also started thinking about tofu again yesterday. so i promised myself that if i lasted until the twenty-second of this month (day fourteen), i'd get tofu on the saturday of that week. oooh, and i woke up yesterday and weighed myself. i was one-eighteen point eight. and today i woke up and weighed myself and i was one-seventeen point eight. cheers! *dances*

i also think i'm having nightmares about college. and children. i'm not particularly looking forward to college starting, and i'm trying to forget all the horrible things that happened these last two weeks i was volunteering.

check this out. they gave me a thank you card. i've known some of these people for like, eleven years, and they couldn't spell my first- OR LAST- name right. i didn't even get a little,... you know, payback. if i had known, i would've said keep the card. and envelope. i'll take the fifty cents you were going to use on it and get my little cousins some candy. but what am i going to do with this crap? i'm totally insulted. most people who were volunteering had rides because they all live in the same area, but i had to take the bus really early to get there on time. (am i whining? i really feel like i totally deserve something for that.)

i taught one of my friends a lesson about being a bitch yesterday. made me feel good. we had a mini-graduation ceremony for the kids yesterday and during the day, she's like, fourteen and she has this eighteen year old guy who's her "best friend" that she's trying to impress. apparently she loves him. he has a girlfriend, though. a few months ago, she gave her number to this other guy who's like nineteen (against my good advice) and this guy popped up yesterday and i had to work my ass off to hide her from him. it's a small world after all. so anyway, when the nineteen year old was out of the way, i kinda fell asleep. because i was bored-sleepy. you know when something's so boring that your brain shuts down? yeah. she decided to take a picture of me. an embarrassing picture, i should add. and thought she should giggle about it with her "best friend" that she's only known for... a few months, maybe? unlike me that she's known for like, fourteen years of her life? yeah. way to screw that up, kiddo. i have this thing about me and pictures and the two of those being somehow together. i really, really hate having my picture taken unless i'm in my lunatic phase. so i sensed it (don't question) and i woke up in time to see it. and glared at her. and she deleted it eventually. after a few more chuckles at my expense. she was shocked that i was annoyed. even though she knows i hate having pictures taken of me.


SO SHE HAD TO LEARN WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH CRAZY PEOPLE.

i redid this slideshow of pictures (for the children's mini-graduation) and slipped as many embarrassing photos of her as i felt were necessary in it. so she got to laugh with like, one person. i got to laugh with... thirty people? and about thirty kids? i won. i don't think she'll forget this any time soon. and if she does, i can always put the pictures up on facebook.

bonjour bones ! -- it's not weird at all to not care about food. i was doodling the other day and i wrote "eat no evil" and "food = the root of evil" all over a page.

christina -- thank you!! :)

a friend of ana -- haha, i'm glad you like them. ^^ thanks :)

crashxDburn -- inner monologues are the spice of life. (or is that variety?) i'll do my best! :) the same goes for you, by the way. twenty eight days. you're tough. ^^"

i would've posted last night but my mother was busy learning the ins and outs of- dare i say it?- online dating. yuck. i don't have a problem with it, but i do have a problem with thinking of my mother going on dates. it's just weird. really, really, weird. i shouldn't think about this at all, actually. it's too early. hopefully, though, it keeps her out of my hair for a while. giving up a few hours of computer time for a few days of quiet? it's a hard bargain, but i'll take it.

honestly.

this is so freaky.

for the past few hours, i've been hallucinating again, about tasting different meals. this time it was tofu and brocolli, beans and mixed vegetables and... cheese?

of all the things i could hallucinate about... cheese? really? body, i thought we decided to be vegan together. what is this sudden desire to sink my teeth into a slice of kraft cheddar cheese (conveniently located in the bottom shelf of the fridge) at this exact moment!? why are you reminding me that there's fresh bread downstairs that would go nicely with that cheese, and soy milk to wash it all down? why can i taste the cheese on my tongue when it's nowhere near me?! and why are you suggesting i get a slice of pizza sometime!! do you think i'm going to give in that easily? well, damn you, the mind is still stronger than you.

you don't control me! i won't give in to you this easily. i'm not even hungry!

first of all, i won't give in to your cheesy fantasies, because i haven't touched the stuff in almost a year now, and i'm not about to mess that up. second! you must have forgotten, so let me remind you- fasting? hellooo!?

and no, this doesn't count as talking to myself. this is me, talking to you, body! cut it out! only ten days left. i thought you could handle this? toughen up, will ya?

honestly...

to my dreams.

i know exactly who you are. you're a girl with a guitar on her lap at an open mic, singing to a crowd of adoring fans. you're a doctor in a veterinarian's office, telling a little boy his dog is doing just fine. you're a clown on a unicycle, juggling oranges and apples. you're an author, signing copies of your fifteenth best seller. you're an artist who finally finished publishing a children's book.

you're not shy or awkward, but bold when you have to deal with other people. you're amusing. you're sarcastic, witty and clever enough to disguise it. you're holding a bag full of orange skittles. you're sitting in a bar. you're climbing a tree. you're being yourself and being okay with it. because you're amazing, wonderful and happy.

it's a shame that you're only a figment of my imagination. that you're something that only becomes real when reality becomes intangible. it's even sadder that maybe some day, bits and pieces of you will become real, but you will never be all the things you want to be. is it wrong of me to limit you like this? perhaps. but it's safer than clinging to you until you vanish some other way.

sometimes you hide from me when i close my eyes. is it because i'm doubtful? or because you're unsure like me? i don't always understand you, or believe in you, but i couldn't live without you. you keep me going, you drive me on. you make me clench my jaw and keep trying because i want you to be real. i want to see you in the mirror one day. until then, anyway, stay the way you are. who knows? maybe i'll run away and join the circus or switch majors again. but no matter what, i'll do my best to make you- as much of you as i can- real.

honestly.

so not happy.

i'm so ready for "that time of the month" to be over. bloating- not pretty. makes me feel like a tub o' lard. and today i felt like the world was finding fault with me. everyone who could yell at me today did. except for my mother, but she didn't even get home yet. so that's something to look forward to. i would definitely have a major headache right now if not for the music i'm blasting. it helps, i guess.

water fast today brought some... unexpected body reactions. i woke up really cold this morning. at three a.m. assumed it was because the window was open. so i went back to sleep in hopes of warming up. woke up again at six- still cold. went back to bed. two hours later- still cold. freakiest thing ever. i had to wear long sleeves today. which i do love, but it was like, eighty-three degrees or something today, and while other people were sweating and staring at me like i was crazy, i was drinking water and wondering why i wasn't sweating. i only started sweating (barely) about thirty minutes ago. so i'm a bit warmer now, but not by much. drank some vitaminwater zero (xxx flavor. yumm.) because it has b12, and as a vegan, i'm probably super deficient by now. and since i guess the cough drops didn't do any damage (as far as i can tell), today is day four again! yay for being psychotic! and making weird decisions. (you'll get used to the bipolarity soon, i hope.)

i'm taking next week off. from life. i'm just going to read and drink water and play video games and maybe make keychains and walk the dog on occasion until thursday, when i'll go to the library for a few hours, only to return home and continue my cycle of madness. i haven't exercised as much in the last few days because of these weird body changes. but tomorrow, i'm getting back on schedule.

what else...

*thinking*

due to a rift in the time-space continuum, i totally missed a day in the thirty letters in thirty days thing. totally posting that later. for now, i'm going to take a super hot shower and hopefully heat up. didn't work this morning, but i'm feeling lucky. the forecast for my weekend is crap followed by more crap, so as soon as i get my business out of the way, i'm locking myself up. yes, my posts next week might end up as me rambling (or me being delirious), but on the bright side, i won't be around food.

crashxDburn -- i hope it comes soon for you too. nausea is never good. hopefully the hunger passes soon too. i'll keep my fingers crossed. :)

a friend of ana -- thank you ^^ i just hope no one forces me to eat anytime soon. my family can get a little crazy.

christina -- maybe our senses are improving because we're not using one (taste) as much. i know blind people who have great hearing, touch, etc. but if it really isn't improving, then cheers for being crazy. it's a good thing to be. i speak from experience.

sam lupin -- O: breathing. yes. same here. breathing has been like, a chore lately. very tiring. i agree. totally. and it does feel great to reject food. i almost had another pizza incident today, but i was like, "no, i'm vegan." thank goodness i don't have to go back to this volunteering thing next week. cheers for tea and coffee! caffeine is the shizznit. :) *high 5*

okay. i should stop typing now and shower, and then clean up before my mother gets home. the last thing i want to hear is her yelling at me about dishes in the sink. that i didn't USE since i've been fasting. not that it would matter to her. parents just love being totally irrational.

honestly.

KETONES. AWWW YEAHH.

whenever i write in caps, i'm extremely energetic.

or high. but i'm not, don't worry. 

but seriously. today was so epic. i woke up and i just felt totally... normal. well, as normal as someone called missinsanity could be. the last two days i woke up a little bleah. and then i went downstairs to do some yoga and bleah. and i was in the shower and bleah.

but today i woke up. like, seriously woke up. and it was amazing. i could just be imagining this but it feels like i have a lot of energy. i don't even feel like taking a nap today. that's how amazing this is. i've been drinking boiled water because i don't want my mom to start asking, "what happened to all that water?" and then i'd be like, "what water?" and you know what would happen after that. but yeah. must be all those ketone bodies i read about here. (click the link if you're that curious.) i feel great. really great. and smaller. although i could be imagining that too. my hunger pangs have vanished. i came in close contact with a bag of plantain chips today and refused to take any. also, my imagination could be going completely wild but my sense of smell might be improving. at least when it comes to scents i recognize. maybe the other senses will improve too! maybe my glasses will come off for good! (but let's not get carried away... that's just wishful thinking.)

sooo, i went to register today (early in the morn') and a lot of the gen. ed. classes were closed. so my advisor pulled some strings and got me into some good ones. plus i'm taking aerobic dance, which should cover my extra exercise slot. yay for that. no smiles about taking almost seven? eight? classes because most of the music therapy classes i'm taking are like, one credit. not much else happened at my college.

after that, i took a lengthy train ride to this really tiny library. i'm totally addicted to books. (surprise! something about me again!) and i took out some books. reserved a lot more. then i came home. and voila, here i am, telling you all about my day. (random thought: the translucency of my skin disturbs me, but its always been that way. sort of.)

about the cough drop. when i said i had some halls, i didn't mean one. ^^" i had like... five. around there. it was not cool. so i had to count it. 

mich -- i am totally keeping hydrated. my water bottle and i are joined at the hipbone, and we have sweet, passionate, wet kisses as much as we can. (yes, i did just say that.) but in all seriousness, it kinda feels like my water bottle and i are becoming... well, lovers. we spend so much time together. i'd probably die without it. i protect it and make sure it's okay... lol. it's so weird. never mind. :p

gracereturnsslowly -- you've got the power for it. you just have to want it bad enough. so ask yourself, grace: how bad do you want it? i think you could do it if you wanted to. :)

anywhosawazzifatz, since i'm not going to take a nap, i think i might spend the rest of my energy walking the dog maybe. or brushing my teeth. i've been doing that a lot for some reason. or maybe i'll read the other three books i took out from the library today. (i read one already.) whatever i end up doing, though, you can be sure i'll be drinking water while i do it. it's so relieving.

actually, maybe it's not the ketones. maybe there's something in the water.

honestly.

....damn.

so i kinda messed up. my throat was hurting so i had some halls. cherry flavored. it wasn't worth it. at any rate, i'm restarting tomorrow.  it's a technicality, yes, but i think it matters. i was reading about water fasts, and the body is supposed to repair itself. so even though i haven't eaten in two days, i think i'm going to restart my water fast. tomorrow's day one of my water fast now. good times.

i know it seems a bit strict, but it was one of my rules. nothing other than water (and my toothbrush and some mouthwash) is supposed to enter my mouth for fourteen days. and i gave in to a cough drop. not cool.

so i'm not counting the last two days. tomorrow is day one of my water fast. again. :x lee thinks it makes sense. kind of. i'll live, anyway.

crashxDburn-- i'm not surprised about the favorite cartoons thing. or ellen hopkins. anyone with good taste would like them.

a friend of ana-- you sniff food too? makes me feel a lot better. ^^ and my nap was great, thanks. <3

christina-- i've never sniffed (or smellled) nutella, so i definitely have to try that sometime.

bonjour bones !-- thank you very much! :)

yes, maybe it sounds insane, but it's about discipline too, right? at least my hunger pangs should be gone by tomorrow. that should make things easier. lots of self control going on here. i'm learning all about it.

honestly.

to my sister.

hey jay! <3

i can't imagine growing up without a big sister like you.

without you, sis, eighteen years of my life would be spent as a total disaster. i had a tendency to do some pretty weird stuff, right? but you always looked out for me.

you probably already know i'm your biggest fan. i'm never joking when i tell people you're the prettiest person i know. i can't wait until we're both gorgeous. unlike my other six siblings, you're the only one i'm truly fond of. and the only one who really took care of me. even though you're almost eight years older than me, you still let me hang out with you when your friends were nearby. which was pretty cool of you in my opinion.

remember the times we used to play candyland and monopoly together? or save up our allowance to buy board games? and the way we would watch disney movies- the old ones, like aladdin or beauty and the beast- until we practically knew it by heart? those are some of my favorite memories.

i know you think i'm amazing because i play so many instruments and sing and stuff, but the truth is i think you're even more amazing, even if you don't do that stuff. i mean, when i got drunk at your birthday party last month in front of your friend, i was sure you'd never talk to me again. (i'm also sorry i drank a lot more than you and yet managed to not get drunk sooner. your tolernace level is pathetic.) but even though i totally embarassed you by telling all those stories from our childhood, you still called me the next day to make sure i was okay. (can you believe mom never realized i was totally drunk? is she out of her mind?)

anyway, no matter what, i'll always be your little sister. i'll still sing songs about you being the most beautiful girl in the world, and i'll still defend you no matter how old i get. i'll keep taking your clothes (when we're the same size again, that's gonna mean jeans too) and i'll keep asking you to hang out with me. and one day, when you're married with children (unless you're also not getting married), i'll tell your kids all the things you did when we were younger. and then they'll think you're totally awesome too.

but no one will ever think more of you, want you to be happier, or care about you more than me.

honestly.

vegetate with me.

i feel like i'm going to be doing a lot of napping in this first week. water fasting. hurr.

side effects include: heavy, fuzzy tongue; random flashes of temporary blindness; inability to go anywhere without hallucinating about food; sudden inability to breathe deeply without needing to yawn...

i could go on. but really, today was just weird. i'm not even hungry, it's more like food is just tempting me. (my stomach totallly rumbled just now. how comforting.) controlling myself today was harder than yesterday. they made my favorite lunch at the babysitting/day camp place and offered me a huge plate. maybe because i told them i won't be there tomorrow, maybe not. fries... vegan wanna-be meatstuff... so fresh and warm. i gave it to a girl who wanted seconds and got the hell outta there. then i ended up helping my mom stock a food pantry. uncooked food had never seemed more appealing. but i picked up a bottle of water and ran to the car as soon as we were done. no sense in ruining my second day, right?

the thing is, the sensation of "hunger" isn't the same as it normally is. it's like when you stub your toe and there's a dull ache afterward. it's there and you know it's there. it's barely noticeable, but noticeable all the same. and so much rumbling. my mother said she's going to eat that food from the party on sunday. good riddance to bad rubbish. i was never going to eat it anyway.

so yay for not eating again. i noticed my body temperature is lower than normal. my skin feels absurdly cold for this level of heat. and being fully clothed. with the windows down. i mean, it's not cold. it's just not as hot as it should be, i guess. i feel like doing nothing but laying around. soo i'm totally going to take a nap in a while. before i do something i regret.

i think i daydreamed about eating cat food today.

honestly.

feed me a stray cat.

that's like, one of my favorite parts of american psycho. the movie with christian bale. if you haven't seen it, you should. the first ten minutes alone are worth watching if you don't have much time. maybe it's a bit early to be watching movies about psychotic serial killers. but with eye candy like this, how can i resist?

anyway, yesterday was interesting. after i posted about all that indecision, i rolled around on my bed for a few minutes, trying to think of something else. i picked up identical by ellen hopkins and tried reading that. but i got up to a binge scene and put it away. then i tried self-questioning. why do i want food? am i really hungry? is it worth it? that didn't help much either. in about thirty minutes, i could taste all these different foods on my tongue. i think the first one was plantain chips. greatest snack of all time. then it went to pasta, and so on. i curled up under my blanket and took a nap.

then i woke up and i was all smiles because i didn't eat. not too long after, my mom came home and i went downstairs to open the door for her. ended up in the kitchen. sniffed a cookie.

no, that's not a euphemism for taking drugs.

i seriously sniffed a fucking cookie.


i feel like such a weirdo. i sniffed it, and then i threw it out and read a book. watched some of my favorite old cartoons. johnny bravo, cow and chicken, powerpuff girls. got seriously hungry halfway through. drank some water with lemon in it, boiled some water, brushed my teeth a lot, played with my puppy a bit. went to sleep.

and now i'm awake! yay for day two! hopefully i can stay strong today too. i got a little dizzy yesterday. and my neck started to ache a little. but i'm alright now.

my mother's home today but i doubt she'll notice if i'm not eating. i'm going out anyway, so she won't know if i ate or not.

i'm not going to give up. it's only the second day. i don't care if i have to walk around until night falls. if i can get past six p.m., i should be fine. i don't eat after six. i hope i don't have any more food tasting hallucinations. that might be worse than cookie sniffing.

honestly.

to eat or not to eat.

this is odd for me. but anyway, today i woke up and weighed myself and (damn those cookies!) i was not happy. so i didn't have breakfast. then i went out to the volunteering thing, which ends on saturday- FINALLY- and didn't eat lunch. i came home and i feel like i should at least drink something with nutrients in it... like soup. but the scale is haunting me. it's right outside my bedroom door. i can just hear it now.

"one pound... one pound..."

toss in some rattling chains and you've got a pretty good idea of what i'm going through right now. the main thing is, i planned to start the water fast tomorrow. if i don't eat today and only drink water, i'll be starting a day early. which isn't bad, but the timing is totally wrong. see, if i've heard correctly, the worst hunger pangs are on the third day. which means on friday, i would've had it the hardest. which would be just fine with me. but if i start today, day three becomes thursday- the day i register for classes.

i don't want to sit in front of the registration lady when i'm in a bad mood. "i don't want morning classes, you idiot! can't you do anything right!?" i'd probably get kicked out.

but if i eat now, i'll be disappointing my scale, who's been there for me for a long time. through thick and thin.  she'll remind me of it for the rest of the week.

i'm not really hungry i guess. (am i typing all this just so i don't eat? gosh.) but then, i'm never really hungry.

curses.

what's a girl to do? maybe it's an easy decision. i think i'm just horribly indecisive.

honestly.

to my parents.

hey, mom and dad.

i've got a few things to get off my chest, so pay attention.

i don't like when you plan out my life for me. i don't want to be a doctor, dad. but thanks for putting that in my birthday card before you died. really made me feel better about my job choice. i would've been learning how to be a vet if not for you, mother. yes, a vet is a real doctor. but now i'm going to be a music therapist, which fits me almost as nicely. so thanks for that.

i don't hate either of you, i just don't like the way you think. like that rule from when i was younger about not talking back? i stopped following that one when i hit twelve. i have a mind of my own, you know. or had, since i think i'm losing it. maybe it's already lost. i also don't like the way you think i'm still a baby. i'm my own person. just because i look a little like you, dad, doesn't mean i'm going to grow up exactly like you. even if i'd be a pretty awesome person.

thanks for the crazy genes, dad. they keep me so amused. and mom, thanks for helping to make me the psychotic, wild eyed, arrogant girl i am today. and for getting me started on the road to suicide. couldn't have done it without you..

mom, i won't stop calling you "woman" until you realize i'm eighteen years old. until you stop asking me if i'm wearing clean underwear and if i've washed behind my ears. until you stop yelling at me for leaving food on my plate when i eat out. until you stop yelling period. until you stop treating me like a failure.

dad, you're still the coolest person i know. i wish you had stayed alive a bit longer. graduation was lame without you. i'm learning how to play the guitar, by the way. although i doubt i'll ever shred like you, old man. but i'll try my best. still have your bass too. thanks for everything.

honestly.

i totally forgot.

i know i'm a total screw up, but i thought i had more sense than this. shame on me. shame, shame, shame.

so many mistakes in such a short period of time.

mistake number one. about one week ago.

me- mom, can you buy me some laxatives?

this is why i shouldn't be so cheap.

but i can't help it sometimes.

mistake number two. about two weeks ago.

chugging half a bottle of prune juice after she didn't get it. although, when i did it, i was feeling in the dumps. no joke.

mistake number three. a few days ago.

taking laxatives (note: laxativeS)after the prune juice chugging incident... and leaving my room door open... with  them on the table.

you think i'd know to cover my tracks by now. at least she doesn't care about me much, so i think i'm safe for now. our conversation went (more or less) like this.

my mom- what happened to all those laxatives?

me- what laxatives?

my mom- the laxatives i bought.

me- i have them. why?

my mom- i mean what happened to them. you used like, five. {LIES. i used three. THREE. three is not like five at all.}

me- i don't understand. what are you asking me?

my mom- did you use all those laxatives?

me- what laxatives?

my mom- the laxatives in your room.

me- why would i have laxatives in my room? what are you talking about?

--more circular questioning--

ten minutes later...

my mom- ....i need to use the computer.

me- YOU CAN'T. I'M BUSY. *stomps upstairs and slams door dramatically*

so yeah, not the best way to avoid that question, but it worked. gotta be more careful.

you know what they say. sometimes the best defense... is amnesia.

honestly.

so sore.

i started exercising harder, because i'm not happy about these legs of mine. they disgust me. completely. you don't even know. i wore shorts last week because, dammit, it was hot outside. and then there were these flash storms, but those aren't important. these three girls- who, to be fair, were fairly skinnier than me- looked at me and said something amongst themselves. i slipped my headphones off and said, "what?" in that way that means "if you just said something bad about me, i'm going to kick all of your asses." i had a guitar on my back, i felt tough. but they actually turned away from me completely to continue their conversation. i think that hurt a lot more than if they had said something to me. fucking legs. i'm not a goddamn balloon animal, this isn't right.

anyway.

yesterday, between cleaning and not cleaning, i exercised. i did yoga and jumping jacks and more yoga and more jumping jacks and crazy stretches until i was sweating. closed the windows too. "in this heat?!" is what my mother said when she got home and saw me looking disgruntled. and then i woke up this morning and did yoga and more jumping jacks. then i walked for about forty minutes.  i'm about due for my second set of exercises for the day, but my muscles are sore. i was joking with my best friend about it and she asked me if it felt good.

what kind of question is that...

still. in a weird, sadomasochistic way, i think it does feel good. so yes, although i might end up crippled at this rate, i'm going to exercise more. with the windows closed. i've been shedding pounds like my cat sheds hair- and yet i'm not seeing any changes. which annoys me to no end. i can assure you that i'll be complaining about my muscles tomorrow too.

funny story. i didn't have to eat at the day camp/babysitting place today. i used the best excuse of all. "it's that time of the month...and i'm having cramps. horrible, appetite destroying cramps." everyone fell for it. cheers for being female. but i should've saved it for the water fast. there was no point in it anyway, because i made some slightly tasteless, ninety seven percent liquid soup with tiny pieces of vegan wanna-be meatstuff in it. so i ate today.

christina, you can totally do it if you want. it wasn't my idea, so i don't mind, really. also, luckily for me, my mom only cares about me if it could affect her in some way. like explaining things to people. or maybe paying for a funeral? just kidding. parents are so pushy. i'm looking forward to hearing more from you too!

and crashxDburn, the saddest thought in the world is that anyone has a family as dysfunctional as mine. i can definitely carry food to my room and toss it. but eating at home is only half the problem. family friends... those people are nuts. maybe if i carry something around with me like i'm planning to eat? we'll see.

water fast in two days. huzzah! (yes, i did just say that.)

i don't have to worry about hunger. i think i can live off of jeff buckley for two weeks. and other music, naturally.

but anyway, off i go to pound myself into shape. not like i have to go anywhere for the rest of the day. and nothing's more important than exercise.

honestly.

to my crush.

dear old soul,

i could say a lot of things to you. like the way i appreciate the things you do for me. or the way your jokes are just corny enough to be funny. the way i love that you don't have to curse to tell me you're unhappy about something. how cute i think it is that you like applesauce, even though you call it old people food. the way you can tell me anything and i can tell you anything. the way we were both born in blizzards. the way i feel guilty after i look at someone else in a way that's anything but innocent. how happy i am when you tell me you love me. how scared i am that i won't love you forever.

i guess you don't know this about me- or maybe you do? you've known me long enough. i'm so unstable. but for some reason, you decided to go for it anyway. and i really appreciate that. i'm so fickle. i really hope i don't ruin this. whatever this is.

sorry i'm not as perfect as you. but i will be as soon as possible, and then i promise you'll have nothing to worry about.

you really are perfect, you know. or maybe just too good to be true...

remember you said you'd be one hundred percent honest with me if i was with you? i think i can do that for you.

honestly. <3

fasting. hm.

i'm seriously considering a water fast. the only problem is... people. people watch me like a hawk. i realized that today when i went to a party (with my mother, so it wasn't a cool party), and i sat on the grass doing nothing but writing thinspirational lines all over a page. (mind over matter and i won't get fatter. stuff like that.) anyway, my mother came and told me that it's rude to not eat at a party. i can assure you that i didn't cave in at that lame attempt. then she sent one of her friends over. ms m. ms m is also with me at that volounteer-type day camp/babysitting thing i do. she did a lot better than my mom.

she asked if i wanted food.

then asked if i wanted salad.

then she asked if she could give me something to take home.

i let her give me something to take home, of course. but that doesn't mean i'm going to eat it. iron will! after those cookies this morning, i just wasn't hungry. and with the cleaning and the exercise i did after the cleaning, i was just tired. but if i did a water fast (for two weeks, naturally), i'm not sure how long i could continue before my family force fed me. my aunt is a nurse, i'm sure she wouldn't mind checking me into a hospital if i did a water fast. maybe that's a bit extreme. but actually, i wouldn't put it past her.

also, lee mentioned that she wanted to do a "modified fast" today. which sounded a lot like not fasting at all. didn't make sense but that's not my problem. so i'm thinking i should start on wednesday. that way i can eat in front of people on monday and tuesday to dispel any thoughts of unhealthy behavior. not like, a three course meal, but you know what i mean. it'll be tough keeping them off my back during it, though.  *sigh* i have a question...

why do people make things their business when it isn't!? geez.

if i want to do a water fast, so what? i'm eighteen years old for god's sake. i shouldn't have to worry about things like nosy old women yet. and i'll decide what goes in my mouth, thank you very much. can't they worry about themselves?

honestly. -_-

and now back to the show.

weird. i thought i'd be spouting a lot more in that letter to lee than i did. thank goodness, i suppose, that i woke up in a good mood today. i can only hope the other twenty nine people are as lucky. i woke up like, one and a half hours ago because my mother yelled "i'm going to work! they called me!" also because i went to bed about four hours earlier than usual.

i weighed myself and saw one-twenty three and shook my head. if it's anything like yesterday, it'll fluctuate like gas prices and then go back to what it was. went downstairs, then completely unplanned, i decided to do jumping jacks and did about one hundred before going to the freezer and getting my cupsicle.

this is how it works. you get a cup. fill it with water. find some low-calorie drink mix. mix it in. put the cup in the freezer. and voila, something fun to scrape at all day. yes, scrape at. with a spoon. my favorite is lemonade. sometimes the drink mix becomes tasteless after it freezes. i had two cookies too, although i think that was more out of energy necessity than anything. i'm currently gazing at a package of raisins, wondering why it's in my room and why i just noticed it. oh well.

i think i'm only going to run at night. there's too many eyes in the daytime. and if i delay on this gym registration thing any longer, i'll never do it. so i think i'm going to... do it tomorrow. (my motto on sundays: don't start today what you can do tomorrow.)

so, today, a bit of practical calorie burning. i'm going to start cleaning the house (from top to bottom!) in like, ten minutes or so. my mother will come home and keep her mouth shut, and i'll be happy, for other reasons.

have fun today! it's overcast outside, so i have a good feeling. life's too short to spend a gloomy day being gloomy anyway.

honestly.

to my best friend.

hey lee.

how's tricks? what's been going on lately? we don't talk as much as we used to. and now our conversations are totally superficial. i'm glad we're exercising together, and mainly that you're being healthier about it than me. but anyway.

thanks for being there when shit hit the fan. and although you never had any really good things to say (no offense), i appreciate you being there. i mean, you said something good. like once. when i had a crush on josh? you said something like "that guy's a complete loser and he knows it." turns out you were only half right. i don't think he realizes or knows.

i know i'm i think i wanted to tell you this for a while, but didn't know how to. i'm tired of you treating me like a kid. i know i'm two years younger than you, but sometimes it feels like i'm ten years younger. which is good, in a way. and horrible in several others. maybe you're just ridiculously mature. actually, now that i think about it, you really are. how did we end up best friends anyway? i only talked to you  i barely talked to you in school, and when we did talk, you were with your other friends. the ones who always seemed to know where they were going in life and were too good for people who were less than perfect. you know who i'm talking about. well, you would if you read this. but anywho.

i know you don't think i can do this. but damn, i know i can, lee. so just, keep it on the hush hush. (you should really stop saying that by the way.)

honestly.

sweeaaattinggg.

is what i sent my friend in a text just now. god, i'm tired. sorry, but my day was pretty uneventful. basically, it went like this.

i woke up.
i weighed myself.
i went out.
i came home.
i weighed myself.
i left again.
i came home again.
i went for a run (haven't done that in a while).
i decided to post something before my shower.

i didn't eat either. (don't worry, i drank water.) yay! believe me, i was tempted to. every time i came home, i'd end up passing by the kitchen. it's not even like the kitchen is a place you can't avoid. to end up near the kitchen, you have to decide to go to the kitchen. the closest thing to it is the dining room. didn't make sense at the time. and while i was out, some people started eating cake around me. cake that i baked. someone even asked me if i wanted oreos, which are my weakness. but i didn't give in!

god i'm tired. please hold while i pant for breath.

.......

.......

.......

okay. that's better. so when i woke up, the scale said something insane like one-twenty-four point two and i was totally motivated to not eat. then i came home later and it was like one-twenty-five point six. that's when i was like, WHADLGBZFGJN!?!! and decided to leave again. and when i came home the second time, it had only gone down by like, point six of a pound. which was better, but still weird. so i decided to go for a "little run."

what the hell was i thinking.

i haven't gone faster than a power walk in a long time. i ended up doing an absurd mixture of running, power walking, jogging, and bouncing. bouncing is like, when you mean to jog, but you really want to go slower because you're tired so you end up looking like an awkward rabbit heading somewhere. it's been so long since i ran, in fact, that my mother was shocked. tried to convince me that it was a bad idea.

"at this hour? with all those parties going on? when the crazy people are out?"

didn't she realize that meant i was supposed to be out? parents these days.

i haven't weighed myself yet. mostly because i'm sweating and i feel gross. oh yeah. while i was running, i passed this guy who was also running and his eyebrows went up in surprise. something like 'i-can't-believe-a-girl-in-this-area-is-running-at-this-time-who-are-you?' kind of surprise. i countered with a 'it's-a-free-country' eye roll. not that he could see that.

anyway, i'm totally hyped about joining a gym now. i managed a one point thirty four mile run/power walk/etc. which makes me happy. didn't think i could. okay, i can't write any more. i gotta shower. i'm so tired. sorry, you've heard that enough.

by the way, crashxDburn i think i will try that two week water fast. but not just yet. i'll totally let you know when i do.

first letter tomorrow! to my best friend, lee. she's a lady. (woah-oh-oh, she's a lady.) she's pretty cool. too bad she won't be reading it. i'm not going to edit it. i'm just going to type straight through and not delete anything. i might strikethrough, though. i wonder what kind of freudian slips will pop up in that letter. maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

oh well.

i hope i lost something from all that running.

honestly.

one of those new habits i mentioned.

about five months ago, i stopped eating normally. cut calories like there was no tomorrow. obviously i haven't been eating healthy. add that to the fact that i hate taking vitamins (or pills of any sort) and it's a real shocker that my doctor said i was super healthy two weeks ago. i mean, i almost said, "what the fuck are you talking about?" to her. gave me just the boost i needed to give in to myself. (what the hell is super healthy anyway?) she also said i've been around the same weight for almost three years now. which is disgusting.

i weigh one hundred and twenty six pounds and i'm almost five feet three inches. some of my family likes to say i'm pretty. but aren't they supposed to say that? one of my aunts slipped up a while ago and said "aren't you getting a little fat?" never mind the fact that this bitch is like, pushin' two hundred pounds, she said i was getting a little fat. she's great thinspiration, by the way. everytime i see her, food suddenly becomes so unappealing. (fat people as thinspiration. just drive by a mcdonalds and you'll be skinny in no time.) of course, i don't see her very often. she's not someone i like to be around. but i digress.

my sister is so gorgeous and thin. she's my height and like, 90 pounds. we used to fit the same clothes. now i'm like, dying to get ONE LEG in her jeans, you know? back to calorie cutting.

i went from like, two thousand calories a day to no more than seven hundred. i love some of the blogs here, they're so inspirational. (keep blogging, you have no idea how amazing you are.) anyway, right now i'm one-twenty-six. which isn't that great. i want to join a gym, but i'm not allowed to until i register for classes. (my mother's a bitch. just sayin'.) all i need is two weeks in a gym and i can get down to one-seventeen. that's my goal for september third. before school starts.

so here's some of my habits for keeping food out of my mouth. and pounds off of the scale.

• read a book. i mean like, literary critic kind of reading. slowly. digesting each sentence. i spent three hours reading once. instead of eating. good times.
• make something. i crochet, so i make teddy bears. you can't do those in a few minutes. takes a while. when you're done, you have two things to show off-- a great body and an adorable teddy bear.
• always do something. if i'm bored and hungry, food is going to make me hungry. so i walk my puppy. or i go for a long walk in my area. or i practice the guitar. anything to take my mind off food.
• clean. and then make a mess if you're still hungry. and then clean some more.
• yoga. i do yoga in the morning. (wai lana is amazing. in my opinion.) by the time i'm finished, food isn't even on the agenda.
• drink water if i find myself in the kitchen. or get out of it quickly and go outside.
• look in the mirror if i hear my stomach growl and smile because i know it'll pay off.

it also helps that i'm vegan, so i get to reject a lot of foods when my friends offer me. like today, i was volunteering with some kids and i had a conversation with this lady, ms. h. it basically went like this:

ms h-- thanks so much for helping the kids. do you want some pizza?

me-- umm...no thanks. i'm not really hungry. {WRONG ANSWER.}

ms h-- what? you've been here all day, just eat something.

me-- no, i can't, really. i'm vegan. {duh, should've said that the first time.}

ms h-- ohhh, i see.

today i had like, six hundred and sixty two calories. which is totally my fault. i had some tofu when i got home. i was doing so well too. until three p.m., i'd only consumed twenty calories. by the time my mother got home almost three hours later,... well, you know. but tomorrow, i won't eat anything. know why?

because nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

when i step on the scale and i've reached my goal, i'll be full of joy.

and it's not like i need to eat anyway. i'm super healthy.

and food is gross. i might try a liquid fast. i'm so determined to do this. i have to.

honestly.